We open with SLop dressed in mismatching red shirt and slacks on a
sleigh that just crashed into a tree with what appears to be asbestos
snow on it. She tells us about her gift for the holidays, "time". I
thought it was "indigestion". She introduces her recipes and announces
it even comes with snow! Her Xmas comes with snow?

SLop returns from commercial break with this extra wild-eyed look on her
face and exclaims "Whoot! It's cold outside, baby!" I don't believe it
for a second and now I know that wasn't asbestos snow, if you get my
drift.

She starts with the bourbon glaze. As usual, she warns us not to pour
alcohol over an open flame. What open flame? She adds honey and molasses
to add flavour and color to the glaze (and of course, sugar). She then
adds orange marmalade and turns on the stove with a "Whoot!" She
explains that the pieces of peel become candy and the glaze would be
great on turkey too; As you recall, this is used when the turkey doesn't
brown properly on Thanksgiving. She pulls out a "bonin'" ham and cuts
pretty little diamonds into it. Luckily, she doesn't make them
triangular this time. She makes the cuts 2 inches deep instead of
just scoring it. We are to heat it in the oven so that it's cooked and
free of bacteria that could make us sick. Imagine that. She sticks
cloves into the intersections on the ham, making it vaguely resemble
Pinhead the Cerebite. Is it me or is there an inordinate amount of fat
on the bottom of that ham? She "literally" pours half the glaze over the
ham, dislodging most of the cloves in the process.

She next makes a candied ham souffle. Two large cans of yams are
strained, but before she mashes them she makes a sugar con mixture to
add the them. She tells us that instead of marshmallows she use
marshmallow fluff, "the kind we put into our fudge". She then starts to
mash the yams. How do her boobs rest on her elbows like that? SLop then
begins to announce what else she's going to make but seems to forget
just what it is she's going to make. We head out to commercial with a
clip of her trying to carry a tree and walk at the same time.

We see an ad for FN's Seasons Eatings marathon, but there seems to be no
sign of SLop in it. Yay! Shortly after, we also see Ruth Reichel (Editor
of Gourmet Magazine) denouncing SLop's culinary crimes. Well, actually,
she's just shilling her magazine, which strikes me as an odd place to do
it.

We return from commercial break with the MV Yule-be-Sorry log (If it
looks this bad when MV made it I cannot comprehend how craptastic SLop's
will be!) and the candied yam faux-souffle. My gawd, there's gotta be
three inches of fluff on that thing! She adds the butter mixture to the
mashed yams because she's making candied yams souffle (since when has a
souffle not contained eggs?) and mashes it together. "No more mashing
needed!", she exclaims, then adds a little bit of cinnamon and spice
("or shall I say nutmeg?") and puts it into a baking dish. SLop then
invites us to look at her Xmas window treatment that she made from 10
foot long remnants and says it looks a lot like Xmas in her kitchen. It
looks a lot like "Ass-mass" to me. She spreads the yams into a pan and
frosts it with marshmallow fluff instead of marshmallows because it
"looks more professional" when the top is smoothed instead of bumpy,
which is how you know they came from a package. She puts the yams into
the oven and then opens the other oven to baste the ham when something
odd happens. We see her hands opening the door and saying "and, I want
to put a second" and it suddenly cuts to her opening the door and saying
"Look at this! Isn't that gorgeous? I want to put a second layer of
glaze onto the ham". Hmm, I wonder what happened?

She then shares her best secret ever, making a faux yule log with a
ho-ho of Biblical proportions. She takes a tub of whipped topping that
entered some sort of culinary witness protection plan so its identity
was blurred, but it's obviously Cool Whip and announces that in five
minutes you'll have a yule log. No constipation jokes, please. She then
grabs a knife and fork, but not to eat it, but to make it look like bark
and to add spirals on the ends. At this point it looks like a huge
sun-dried white dog turd. She dusts the log with coca powder and tells
us how to dust the ends, by tipping the log but not letting it fall of
the plate. Brilliant, SLop. She then makes mushrooms by toothpicking
mini-marshmallows to Hershey chocolate kisses, but they look
nothing like mushrooms. She then puts the log into the fridge, because
after all, it IS whipped topping, and pulls out the ham from the oven
and OMG! It looks like some sort of porcine blooming onion! She pulls
out the yams but it looks like an unbaked pie of some sort. As we go to
commercial, we see SLop outside falling over and trying to make a snow
angel in two inches of snow. Idiot.

We see another promo for FN's Season's Eating featuring a quick cut of
SLop with her eyes bugging out over a humungous martini glass full of
gawd-knows-what and walking stage left.

SLop returns to tell us that no holiday is complete without cookies and
cocktails, which is a good thing because someone forgot to put up the
"Cocktail Time!" graphic, then procedes to make a "Santa Slay" with a
cup of brandy, a cup of Ameretto and two cups of eggnog, except that's
not eggnog; it's a container of eggnog-flavored coffemate! When she
dumps it in, it appears to be curdled. She then adds nutmeg and some
vanilla ice cream, reminding us to eliminate the booze if you make it
for kids. She then pulses it in the blender and, miracle of miracles,
she actually pulses it instead of leaving the blender run for 30
seconds. She prepares a nifty way to sugar the serving glasses by
moistening her finger with brandy, rubbing it on the rim, and then
dipping the glass into a "sugar glass". SLop announces she'll be
drinking these while making the cookies for us (Whoot!) and garnishes
the giant glasses with a candy cane. She then makes her candy cane
cookies with sugar cookie dough from a Glad bag and food coloring. She
blames this recipe on Colleen, her "friend". She separates the dough and
uses an entire bottle of red food coloring on half to make sure it
doesn't turn out pink. She announces what a fine color the dough is and
the camera cuts to a wad of florescent blood-red dough. Yikes. She makes
tubes of dough and "literally" braids them together and trims the ends
so they all match. There's gotta be a better way to do that... In a not
so strange sense of deja vu, SLop grabs a drink and the cookies and
heads off to show us her tablescape. We fade to commercial
with a clip of SLop failing to run and throw a snowball at the same
time.

We return from the break to SLop shilling some sort of ornament
decorating kits consisting of glue letters and glitter. The camera cuts
to her boobs and then pans to the lame ornaments. Heh. She makes X-mas
cards from blanks and glues scrap booking embellishments onto them. She
then suggests using clear l'eggs containers with little gifts inside
which also double as Xmas ornaments, not-so-subtley suggesting a diamond
ring to The Wallet and a dollar bill for her nephew, Scotty, who LOVES
money. SLop says she has to run because her guests are about to arrive
(ha!) and exits stage right.

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating
the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not
sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of
Miss Lee.