THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
The Original Version..

The ant busts his ass in the withering heat all summer long,
building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper
thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.
Come winter the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper
has no food
or shelter so he dies out in the cold.


The New Liberal Version...

It starts out the same but when winter comes the shivering
grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant
should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and
starving.
CBS, NBC, and ABC show up and show pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to film of the ant in his comfortable home
with a
table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be, in
a country
of such wealth that this poor grasshopper is allowed to
suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAAGB (The National Association
of Green
Bugs) shows up on Night Line and charges the ant with "Green
Bias" and
makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30
million years
of greenism. Kermit the frog appears on Oprah with the
grasshopper and
everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on
the CBS
evening news and tell a concerned Dan Rather That they will
do
everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied
the
prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly
during the
summer, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures Of The
80's".

Finally the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and
Anti-Greenism Act"
RECTRO-ACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is
fined for
failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and
having
nothing left to pay his Retro-Active taxes, his home is
confiscated by
the government.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the
last bits of
the ant's food while the government house he's in....which
just
happens to be the ant's old house.... crumbles around him
since he
doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in
the snow.
And on the TV; which the grasshopper bought by selling most
of the
ant's food, Bill Clinton is standing before a wildly
applauding group
of Democrats announcing that a new era of "Fairness" has
dawned in
America.

THE END

Author Jim Quinn, WRRK FM 97 in Pittsburgh



The New Orleans Version...

It starts out the same but when winter comes the shivering
grasshopper
is loaded on to a bus, and taken to Houston, to live in the
Super
Dome. He lives in miserable situation, and complains
endlessly about
his plight. He is released to Dallas, and given a $2,000
debit card,
which he promptly spends on grass, greens, and wine and
beer. He is
found dead in an alley, having died of cirrhosis of the
liver.

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on
the CBS
evening news and tell a concerned Dan Rather That they will
do
everything they can for the grasshopper who has been driven
out of his
home. At the expense of those who benefited unfairly in New
Orleans.

Finally the FEMA and National Guard guys get around to the
ant's home.
The hard working ant is found to be hoarding, and is
handcuffed, and
dragged out. The National Guard finds stores of grains, and
other
foods and water. The grains, food, and water are loaded onto
trucks,
and taken back to FEMA headquarters. Where the grains sit in
a
warehouse.

The ant is tried under anti-hoarding laws, and his home is
confiscated
by the government.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper's remains rotting
in an
alley. The ant is relocated to a FEMA camp in Idaho, where
he lives a
long, and bitter life. Complaining endlessly about what hard
work got
him.

========================

THE BRITISH VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all
summer long, building his house and laying up
supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and
well fed.

The shivering grasshopper calls a press
conference and demands to know why the ant should
be allowed to be warm and well fed while others
less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of
the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table
laden with food.

Britons are stunned that in a country of such
wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to
suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace and The Grasshopper
Council of GB demonstrate in front of the ant's
house. The BBC, interrupting a Jamaican cultural
festival special from Notting Hill with breaking
news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome"

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor
McDonald that the ant has gotten rich off the
backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair
share".

In response to polls, the Labour Government
drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti
Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning
of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also
fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers.

Without enough money to pay both the fine and his
newly imposed retroactive taxes, the government
repossesses his home.

The ant moves to Spain, and starts a successful
wine-exporting
company.

A Panorama special later shows the now fat
grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's
food, though Spring is still months away, while
the council house he is in, which just happens to
be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Trevor
Phillips is appointed to head a commission of
enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose,
the Daily Mirror blames it on the obvious failure
of government to address the root causes of
despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of
immigrant spiders, praised by the government for
enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who
promptly set up a marijuana plantation and
terrorise the community.

THE END

======================

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
The New Conservative "Neocon" Version...

The ant busts his ass in the withering heat all summer long,
building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper
thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.
Come winter the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper
has no food
or shelter and thus develops severe lazyassiopsia.

A large pharmaceutical, Wasp Meds, Inc., decides a study on
lazyassiopisia is needed and says the ant, all the other
ants and all
the grasshoppers and other insects, have to pay for it.
Further
research, also funded by the ants, grasshoppers, and other
insects
(all except the Wasps), reveals a drug that may *possibly*
be of
benefit to those with lazyassiopsia.

The ants et al. funds the research and trials for the drug.

The High Council of Insects (aka, the Gruberment), says the
drug is
safe and necessary and grants them a patent.

Wasp Med, Inc., who gives a large amount of the ants et al.
money to
their friends in the Gruberment, steers clear of all
television or
other media, except to say that they have a wonder drug for
lazyassioposia. They do not tell the other ants et al. that
they all
have paid for this wonder drug themselves.

The wasps sell the drug for $1,000. It costs them $1 to make
it. The
make lots and lots of money. Wasp Meds, Inc. ask the
Gruberment for
more of the ants et al. money to make an even better drug.
The
Gruberment says, "Sure!"

The ants, the grasshopper and the other insects (except for
the
wasps), have to work harder and harder for the money they
need to
support themselves and also give to the Gruberment (who
gives a lot of
it to Wasp Meds, Inc.).

Then, suddenly, one day a Robin tore open an ant hill and
killed and
ate the ants inside. The Gruberment decided this could not
be allowed.
They assembled an army of ants, grasshoppers and other
insects to
attack the Robins. And they killed 3 of them. 200 ants, 145
grasshoppers, and 300 other insects were killed in the
battle. But
everyone in the Kingdom of the Ants were very proud.

But then the Gruberment decided that maybe Mice could also
come and
attack the kingdom of insects. They did not care that Mice
did not eat
ants or other insects. The Gruberment told all the ants,
grasshoppers
and other insects that the Mice might come and eat them if
they did
not kill them all first. The ants, grasshoppers and other
insects were
very afraid. They had never seen a Mouse, but the Gruberment
said they
were very dangerous. So another army of insects were sent to
Miceraki.
The insects killed many, many Mice. They tore up their nests
and
destroyed the land of Miceraki.

The Gruberment told the ants, grasshoppers and other insects
that the
High Holy Insect in the Sky saw all the killing and said it
was good.
The insects were very proud, althought they weren't quite
sure why.

The insects fought bravely, and some of them died. They
needed food
and other things to keep on fighting the Mice.

Back in the Kingdom of the Insects, another company, called
Weevilburton, said they would provide everything the army of
the
insects needed, but it would cost a lot of money. The ants,
grasshoppers and other insects had to give the Gruberment
more money
so it could pay Weevilburton to bring food and other things
to the
army of insects. Weevilburton took the money, but didn't
send the food
and other things to the army of the insects. Weevilburton
made a lot
of money.

Over in Miceraki, the army of the insects had killed almost
40,000
Mice. And almost 1,000 insects had been killed. The Mice
didn't
understand why the insects wanted to kill them........ and
neither did
the insects, really.

20 years later, the insects are still in Miceraki fighting
the Mice.
Neither the Mice or the insects know why. Many have died.
The Mice are
still angry they were attacked without reason so they have
been
sending Mice squads into the Kingdom of the Insects to kill
insects.
The insects are afraid all the time now. The Kingdom of the
Insects
sends more insects into Miceraki to kill more Mice.

The ants have forgotten all about their crops and laying up
supplies.
The grasshoppers haven't thought about laughing or dancing
or playing
for many, many years.

The Weevilburtons lived happily ever after in their nests of
gold.

The Ants, Grasshoppers and other insects are still fighting
the Mice.
The Ants, Grasshoppers, other insects and the Mice are still
killing
each other.

They still do not know why.

THE END

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