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The Ranger[_7_] The Ranger[_7_] is offline
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Default Manners Lamentation

I was looking through some old files and came across this piece of prose. I
enjoyed it as much today as when I saved it to my file system. -- TR
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Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods
that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not
in the living room.

Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in
the living room.

Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of
all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat,
but not in the living room.

Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you
may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may
drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any
food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you
eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater
person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither
raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an
abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show,
your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. Drink
your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor
knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your
blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do
not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to
make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away. When you
chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not
open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do
not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips.
I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. And though your
stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the
table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the
pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to
make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor
slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like
that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said,
it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean,
saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the
unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and
two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas
each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten
enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can
see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas,
and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you
eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert,
no, not even a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving
the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten
what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you
shall have no dessert.

On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a
plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching
each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the
offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not,
only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the
fault. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of
herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is
loathsome to you, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from
screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto
death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face,
nor press your fingers to your nose. For even now I have made the fish as it
should be; behold, I eat of it myself, yet do not die.

Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills,
that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to
the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket
of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are
distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold
still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and
also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be;
and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath
water, nor of bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it
be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building;
nor eat sand. Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you
should so afflict it with tape? And hum not that humming in your nose as I
read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to
madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

Complaints and Lamentations
O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do,
you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not
accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometimes do you spit,
and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall and
the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner. And though the law
teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has
years of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger.
But upon being sent to the corner you ask straightaway, "Can I come out?"
and I reply, "No, you may not come out." And again you ask, and again I give
the same reply. But when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.

Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again,
even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than
before. For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and
twenty talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen
hundred deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year. And
yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines,
nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is in my mind,
for surely you cannot know.

For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of the
month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month of
taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with
wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts. And you shall remember that I am
that I am: before, after, and until you are twenty-one. Hear me then, and
avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.