Manners Lamentation
On Jul 10, 3:17*pm, "The Ranger" > wrote:
> I was looking through some old files and came across this piece of prose. I
> enjoyed it as much today as when I saved it to my file system. -- TR
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
> Lamentations of the Father
> by Ian Frazier
>
> Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods
> that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
>
> Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not
> in the living room.
>
> Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in
> the living room.
>
> Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of
> all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat,
> but not in the living room.
>
> Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you
> may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
>
> Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may
> drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
> Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any
> food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.
>
> But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you
> eat in the living room.
>
> Laws When at Table
> And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater
> person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither
> raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an
> abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show,
> your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. Drink
> your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor
> knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your
> blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
>
> When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do
> not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to
> make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away. When you
> chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not
> open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do
> not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
>
> Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
> table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips.
> I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. And though your
> stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the
> table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the
> pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to
> make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
>
> Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor
> slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like
> that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said,
> it has come to pass.
>
> Laws Pertaining to Dessert
> For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean,
> saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the
> unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and
> two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas
> each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten
> enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can
> see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas,
> and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you
> eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert,
> no, not even a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving
> the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten
> what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you
> shall have no dessert.
>
> On Screaming
> Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a
> plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching
> each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the
> offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not,
> only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the
> fault. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of
> herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is
> loathsome to you, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from
> screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto
> death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face,
> nor press your fingers to your nose. For even now I have made the fish as it
> should be; behold, I eat of it myself, yet do not die.
>
> Concerning Face and Hands
> Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills,
> that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to
> the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket
> of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are
> distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold
> still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and
> also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be;
> and you shall not go hence until I have done.
>
> Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
> Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath
> water, nor of bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it
> be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building;
> nor eat sand. Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you
> should so afflict it with tape? And hum not that humming in your nose as I
> read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to
> madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.
>
> Complaints and Lamentations
> O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do,
> you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not
> accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometimes do you spit,
> and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall and
> the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner. And though the law
> teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has
> years of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger.
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