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Posted to rec.arts.tv,alt.tv.food-network,rec.food.cooking
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The Sandra Lee Dinner Party
On Apr 8, 6:01*pm, (Ubiquitous) wrote:
> http://entertainment.nerve.com/2010/...sandra-lee-din
> ner-party
>
> By James Brady Ryan
>
> Welcome to Pop Torture, a biweekly column in which I embrace my
> pop-culture masochism and search out the most painful ways to experience
> the movies, TV, and music that fill our lives with such ecstasy and
> agony. (Needless to say, I’ll mostly be focusing on the latter.) Each
> week I’ll take on a new challenge, and each week I’ll share my
> adventures with you, provided I survive them.
>
> The Challenge: To prepare, eat, and survive a meal made exclusively of
> recipes from Semi-Homemade With Sandra Lee.
>
> Sandra Lee is the host of not one but two shows on the Food Network,
> famous for making meals that, by design, cut as many corners as
> possible. Anything that can be purchased pre-made is tops in her book,
> which has led to a less-than-stellar reputation among other cooks,
> foodies, and anyone with eyes/taste buds. (She’s also known for coming
> off as an unrepentant lush — half of her airtime seems to be spent
> throwing back cocktails.)
>
> lush lagoon
>
> But Lee does have qualifications, as her unintentionally hilarious
> Wikipedia page points out: “Lee’s official Food Network bio states that,
> ‘Lee then attended the world’s leading culinary art institute, Le Cordon
> Bleu.’ Lee enrolled in a recreational two-week course at the school’s
> Ottawa outpost, which she acknowledges that she did not complete.” I’ve
> spent a decent amount of time laughing at Sandra, but I’ll admit I’d
> never tried any of her recipes. If I actually put her food where my
> mouth is, would I have to stop laughing?
>
> Cocktail Time (Gin thing & Lush Lagoon): Because misery loves company
> (and because all of her recipes serve four), I invited a few friends
> over for a three-course dinner, preceded by a cocktail hour. I had a
> selection of two: one was some kind of gin-based fruit concoction
> without an official name. The other was an electric-green mixture called
> the “Lush Lagoon.” (Possibly named after Sandra’s favorite rehab
> center.) While the gin-and-juice was generally confusing (so many
> juices), the Lush Lagoon sounded reasonable — crushed kiwi, vodka, melon
> liqueur — until the final touch: a dash of juice from a jar of jalapeno
> peppers.
>
> The group reaction was best summed up by my guest Megan: “The gin drink
> actually doesn’t seem so bad once you’ve tried the other one.” But if
> you’ve ever sipped down a refreshingly cool summer cocktail and thought
> to yourself, “This is missing a certain burning in the back of my
> mouth,” then the Lush Lagoon is for you.
>
> spiceycashewdip Pop Tortu The Sandra Lee Dinner Party
>
> Appetizer (Spicy Cashew Dip): In the interest of saving time (a Sandra
> Lee commandment if ever there was one), I went with a dip — something
> simple my friends could enjoy with bread or crudités. I chose the
> ominously named Spicy Cashew Dip. In what would turn into the running
> theme of the evening, this recipe seemed to go one ingredient too far.
> You might sign on for cashews, peanut butter, cream cheese; it’s when
> Lee gets to the chili paste and cumin powder that you begin to wonder.
>
> The dip tasted, unsurprisingly, like warm peanut butter and cream
> cheese. But we couldn’t get much of it down, because… well, there’s no
> delicate way to say this: the dip looked like crap, literally. “I can’t
> get over how much this looks like a turd,” my roommate said, as she
> gingerly scooped up some dip with a piece of celery. “It’s… well, it’s
> surprisingly… warm. And there are… chunks. Uh, like a turd.”
>
> Main Course (Smoked Turkey, Brie, and Apricot Quesadilla): After about
> an hour of enthusiastically not eating the dip while chugging the gin
> cocktail (only one Lush Lagoon ever sputtered into being), we were tipsy
> enough to imagine that the entree could be good. After all, the word
> “quesadilla” was in the name. And who could say no to two flour
> tortillas sandwiching some sliced deli turkey, brie, apricot jam, and
> monterey-jack cheese? While you might be thinking to yourself,
> “Everyone. Everyone could say no to that,” I have to tell you that we
> were so hungry by this point we’d gladly have thrown in some fish sticks
> and pancake batter if Sandra had asked. The truth is, these quesadillas
> were not bad. Yes, we were hungry and a little drunk. And yes, we had
> the same issues with this dish as we had with the others — namely that
> Sandra Lee could really use an editor for her food.
>
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hquvl...layer_embedded
>
> Dessert (Kwanzaa Cake): And finally we came to the dish for which Sandra
> Lee is infamous. Not so much a dessert as a sugary confusion. The
> Kwanzaa Cake. This was actually the first dish I prepared — oh, how
> young and naive I was then, four hours previous — and let me tell you:
> this cake did not want to be made. The pre-made angel-food cake would
> not come out of its container. The icing refused to stick to the oddly
> plastic surface of the cake once I did pry it out. (Megan questioned the
> wisdom of buying plain frosting and then adding cocoa powder to it when
> chocolate frosting is readily available, a point which Sandra might want
> to consider.) And then, as I poured apple pie filling from a can into
> the center of the dish (really), the can actually attacked me, slicing
> open my middle finger, presumably enraged by its forced participation in
> a crime against contemporary African-American culture, good taste, and
> nature. Sandra Lee suggested I garnish with acorns. My mother suggested
> that acorns are not edible.
>
> cake Pop Tortu The Sandra Lee Dinner Party
>
> As I sliced into the cake, my guests all uttered a collective prayer.
> Then we dug in, trying to capture each element in that first bite. This
> was the cake that Anthony Bourdain famously said would set your eyes on
> fire, but if only Tony knew what it would do to your mouth! It’s like
> being orally sodomized by the Sugar Plum Fairy.
>
> Result: Perhaps twenty minutes after we had finished, my friend Joe
> texted me from the safety of his own home asking if any of us weren’t
> feeling so hot. As it happened, the three of us still at my apartment
> were lying on the couch clutching our stomachs in pain. I concluded that
> something in the meal was responsible for our gastro-intestinal
> problems. Was it the mix of so many different flavors? Was it the
> jalapeno juice in the Lush Lagoon? Was it the sugar from the cake? I
> contemplated these things as I ran to my bathroom to vomit. (Seriously.)
>
> In conclusion: **** you, Kwanzaa Cake. If you ever find yourself
> seriously considering a trip into Sandra Lee’s food fantasia, perhaps
> due to a lack of time or a lack of energy, let me give you the greatest
> corner-cutting tip of all: pizza delivery exists for a reason.
>
> --
> WARNING!!!
> Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
> standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
> assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating
> the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not
> sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of
> Miss Lee.
LMAO!!!
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