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Why Hipster Cooking Gizmos Are Killing Cooking

A humble home chef bemoans the rise of sauerkraut-making kits, mini-donut machines and other dubious kitchen gadgets

By
Keith Blanchard
Updated Nov. 22, 2016 6:21 p.m. ET
63 COMMENTS

AS A CARD-CARRYING dad of a certain age, I take great pride in my pancakes. I crisp the edges; flip them just as the batter bubbles start to pop; tart them up with chocolate chips and banana slices for special occasions like €œSunday.€� But lately, I cant help feeling that Im losing my audience. My childrens anticipatory joy seems a little forced; they dont come back for thirds anymore. Frankly, I think theyre phoning it in.

The problem, of course, is Cronuts. And Venezuelan street tacos, and tea-flavored ice cream, and hand-turned artisanal cake pops infused with essence of cherry blossom. In a world of dark chocolate goji-berry minimuffins, my wheat-flavored hobo discs simply cant compete.

Perhaps Ive relied on my trusty griddle for too long. Perhaps its time to retool for the new age dawning.

It wouldnt be the first time. Man is a sublime maker of tools, and early breakthrough products like €œsharpened stick€� and €œflat rock€� have evolved over thousands of years into a thoroughly impressive variety. Kitchen tools, in particular, really blossomed toward the end of the last century. But we home cooks eventually hit a point where the promise of being able to craft some additional specific treat was outweighed by the hassle of cleaning and maintaining yet another gadget. Consider the evidence high up on your own pantry shelf: dusty panini presses, an abandoned bread maker.

Personally, I thought that home foodie-tools had peaked. But then in came the hipsters. Those post-ironic facial-hair experimenters decided to ruin comfort food by miniaturizing everything, by stirring in eco-politics, and by infusing even the simplest staple foods with a tongue-torturing chain of exotic ingredients. Mmm, crowd-foraged, hand-folded quail tarts drizzled in a Stumptown cracked-pepper emulsion...just like Grandmas! Its all insupportably decadent€”there cant possibly be enough applewood on the planet to smoke all this bacon€”but food apparently must now be intriguingly hyper-complex.

And, as much as I resist it, this state of affairs seems to call€”again€”for investing in new equipment.

"Amateur cooks will be judged not by their character but by the variety of their pork-belly basters.

As my hard-to-please children make their way in this Wonka-esque world of soy gelatos and botanical infusions, we simple grillers of burgers and flippers of flapjacks will have to acquire new weaponry. Planning on whipping up some yummy Meyer-lemon crepes? Youll need a crepe batter trowel spreader, of course, in durable maple wood, $9 from Alamarra. Stuffing and smoking your own wild boar sausage? Not without a dedicated three-prong sausage pricker, $10 from the Sausage Maker. While youre at it, grab yourself a sauerkraut maker with stainless-steel cabbage shredder, and a home macaron-baking kit.

All this specialization-run-amok is leading us to a future in which every recipe will require its own unique, dedicated gadget, and its not for the faint of heart. Youre going to need a kitchen-wide display pegboard to keep them all handy. And youll have to constantly upgrade their software and attachments, and season their blades with Dead Sea salt, and rub their hardwood handles every fortnight with single-source hickory butter.

Itll be a full-time job, but itll be worth it. Your kitchen armory will demonstrate your total commitment to producing unique morsels of food, no matter what the cost in time and effort. Simplicity will seem quaint, but in an €œout of touch€� way, not in a cool retro way, and home cooks will be judged not by the content of their character but by the quantity and variety of their pork-belly basters.

I have some reservations about all of this. One holiday season, I gave my wife a home manicure kit, and after a quick eye-roll, she patiently explained that I had fundamentally misunderstood the point of getting a manicure. Thats how I feel he Just because I might want to try one of those weird watery €œraindrop cakes€� doesnt mean I need to own the machinery to create it myself. Part of the fun of trying the Next Big Thing is having it brought to me, pre-assembled, with no strings attached.

So Ill pick and choose. Im going to say no to the green juice machine, the ravioli crimper, the home energy bar extruder. I could, however, be talked into the meat smoker. As for my poor pancakes? I see no reason to challenge the hard-won wisdom of my flapjack-flipping ancestors, but a little rebranding might help. I think the kids are going to love my Whole-Grain, Yolk-Infused, Thick-Cut Crepes Drizzled in Vermont Tree Essence€”even if I make them on an old griddle.

1. Mini Babycakes Donut Maker; 2. Cinnibird Pen; 3. Macaron Kit; 4. Waffle Cone Maker; 5. Sushezi ENLARGE
1. Mini Babycakes Donut Maker; 2. Cinnibird Pen; 3. Macaron Kit; 4. Waffle Cone Maker; 5. Sushezi
Kooks in the Kitchen // Five questionable and highly specialized culinary tools

1. For Mini Doughnuts

Honestly, who could eat an entire normal-size doughnut? Bake, dont fry, up to four 2-inch mini-donuts with this countertop cooker. Mini Babycakes Donut Maker, $15, thebabycakesshop.com

2. For Coffee Art

Home baristas need never serve naked cappuccino again. Fill this pen with your favorite ground spice and draw directly onto foamed milk. CinniBird Pen, $30, cinnibird.com

3. For Macarons

Bake a batch of tiny lavender hamburger cookies that melt in your mouth. A neatly marked silicone mat helps you perfectly size 48 macarons. Lékué Macaron Kit, $40 lekueusa.com

4. For Ice Cream Cones

Load with batter and use the included cone-rolling form to turn out homemade waffle cones for your savory mint-chorizo gelato. Chefs Choice Waffle Cone Maker, $50, williamssonoma.com

5. For Sushi

No more sticky-rice-finger frustration! Stuff this tube with rice and blowfish, then wrap with nori. Sushezi, $25, sushezi.com

Corrections & Amplifications:
An earlier version of this article showed an incorrect image for the Mini Babycakes Donut Maker. (Nov. 22, 2016)



Lenona.