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in article , sf at
wrote on 11/12/04 1:41 PM:

> Sorry to piggyback on yours, Dawn's message isn't archived yet.
> ```````````````````
>
> On Thu, 11 Nov 2004 00:11:00 -0500, maxine in ri >
> wrote:
>
>> Beyond that we haven't made many plans, this
>> being the first year we have no family in town due to deaths and
>> divorces. I'm not much in the mood for celebrating.
>
> Dawn
>
> Dawn, find some "orphan" friends... I think you'll feel a lot better
> with some company around. Even if you aren't in the best of moods,
> reach out - you may surprise yourself and have a good time after all.
>

Well, situational depression is a funny thing.

Well-meaning friends often suggest someone who is blue around the holidays
because they recently lost someone "reach out-you may surprise yourself and
have a good time". While that might make me feel better this year, for
example....last year, it just sounded like far too much effort. If it
sounds good to the person who is depressed, than it probably would make the
person feel better.

But sometimes the person who is depressed around the holidays b/c they are
missing people they have lost, for example, well, sometimes, what your
psyche needs is to MISS them. And in that case, sitting out the holiday and
dealing with the feeling of missing that person is what will actually help
you to feel better.

It all depends on where you are with the loss. Like I said, the first
thanksgiving without either parent, I was with friends. It was lovely,
really, and I enjoyed myself, but I was still very sad, profoundly missing
my own family. My friends were great, made me feel very welcome and tried
to take my mind off the fact that I was there for a very sad reason.

The second year, I received several invitations, and I declined all of them.
I just couldn't bear it. If I couldn't be with who I wanted to spend the
holiday with (which obviously, I couldn't), I rathered be alone, because in
my heart, anyone else was "second best".

I was incredibly sad going into the day, but once it got here, I made my
little half a turkey breast, my little casserole of dressing, etc. and I
realized, as I sat down to a home-cooked "Thanksgiving for one", that this
was exactly what I needed....to be by myself so I could spend Thanksgiving
really thinking about who I missed and actually deal with it.

This year, I'm really looking forward to spending the day with friends. I
know I will miss my family, and that's fine, I know how to deal with it now.

If Dawn is ready to reach out to others, she'll have a nice time. But if
she's not, inviting people over for dinner and having to cook a nice meal
for them might seem more effort than therapy and it might make her feel
worse.

Dawn (and anyone else in this situation) just has to do what feels right for
them at the time.