Gar replied in message ...
> On Tue, 30 Dec 2003 12:48:35 -0800, "The Ranger" >
wrote:
> >Dave Smith > wrote in message
...
[snip]
> >> My very obnoxious niece (who has been the subject of several
> >> rants here already)
> >[snip]
> >
> >Has a doppelganger here on the Left Coast of the US. I met her
> >over the holiday when we attended some friends' holiday bash.
> >The entire characterization you've presented was in living color
> >for four [LONG] hours.
> >
> >I sympathize with you and your inability to deal with her.
> >
> >The doppelganger has a Titanium Cranium and Teflon armored skin.
> >Nothing phased her. It was like watching an adult 2-yo when she was
> >told no.
>
> I have a SIL like this. An opinion with no brain is a dangerous
> thing.

It was worse, and Dave's past descriptions fit Doppelganger down to the last
letter.

She arrived last, and late, with a fanfare that demanded everyone's
attention. She threw open the door, bouncing it against the wall, and heaved
a "Sorry, traffic." The dramatic pose was ignored by most. She is a
beachball with stubs, waddling about Penguin-like at 5'2".

She slammed the door closed and immediately headed to the buffet table.
Grabbing two plates, she immediately loaded down both with hors d'oeuvres.
I'd never witnessed such artistic vertical stacking. She virtually
demolished the pre-dinner set-up single-handedly. (There were twenty people
there already and the table hadn't taken such a significant hit.)
Wife-hostess descended quickly, finch against the crow, and tried to explain
to her guest that she wasn't trough-feeding*. All Wife-host's chattering did
was cause the humanesque porcine to shovel the food faster into her mouth.
Several guests just rolled their eyes, having seen her in action at other
family gatherings. Groups of familiars would physically scatter, like
marbles being pounded in the school playyard, when she'd attempt to join in
their conversations. Husband-host volunteered to "guard the table" for the
remainder of the time prior to dinner while Wife-hostess restocked
everything. Doppelganger had finished round one and was planning on round
two; luckily he was rather insistent that she allow others to enjoy his
wife's hard work. Doppelganger simply shrugged his commentary off and went
to lounge on their loveseat. The couple that was already there moved when
she dumped her carcass down with a heavy sigh. From the resultant
conversations that focused on Doppelganger, it's her MO to invade late,
scarf-n-stuff, and then leave in a huff. Husband-host took his sentry duty
seriously; he had to rebuff Doppelganger two more times, each one showing
more edge and annoyance. Doppelganger's Titanium Cranium and Teflon Armor
allowed all of his comments to bounce off with little effect.

The pacing was excellent; dinner was served with ease and grace. SWMBO went
and helped Hostess-wife and I went over to talk to Host-husband during the
switchover. Doppelganger took advantage of plates being swapped and went
into the kitchen area. Host-husband asked that I watch the table -- just in
case another attempt was made -- while he "shooed it out of the kitchen; the
food would never make it to the table if he didn't." The tactic of divide
and conquer failed because no sooner had Host-husband taken up his new post,
than Doppelganger came back to alight on the buffet, yet again. With SWMBO
otherwise engaged, I am not always on my best behavior, and given a reason
to test my wit and will against someone, I often will drop to an adversary's
level. I stepped forward and told Doppelganger to leave and sit down. Dinner
was being served and she could wait with everyone else. Doppelganger didn't
understand. I explained again, using smaller words, and more basic sentence
structure. She did get the idea that I didn't like her and walked away.
Host-husband had been watching from the doorway. "Good on you!" was all he
said.

Doppelganger sat at a corner of the large family-style rectangle. There were
twenty adults and one black hole. Many of the guests took from each platter
and bowl as they were handed around, each guest making sure that no one took
more than necessary but still allowed them to go back for more at a later
time. There was PLENTY of food available! Pastas, vegetables, chicken,
sausages, breads, fruits, and salads galore! It was an impressive meal.
Doppelganger again loaded up her plate vertically, only being allowed one
this time. She made sure that cleanup would be easy enough.

Dinner ended quietly, was quite enjoyable away from that one corner, and
many retired for the evening, taking their leave of Wife-hostess and
Husband-host. SWMBO and I stuck around to help with clean up and thank them
for inviting us. Doppelganger also stuck around complaining that she was
still hungry. [Note: I'm a big eater but she dwarfed me! I was uncomfortable
with the amount of food that I'd eaten.] SWMBO caught my look of revulsion
and immediately grabbed my arm in warning; the "Not-your-fight" type of
grab. I took The Hint and subverted my glib tongue and nasty wit.
Husband-host, hoping to cut his losses for the night, had put together a
togo bag of the remaining hors d'eouvres and handed it to Doppelganger. She
dived right in without a thank you. It took less than five minutes for her
to empty a gallon Ziploc of its contents. While SWMBO and Wife-hostess
started cleaning up the dishes, Husband-host and I started tearing down the
tables and putting away the chairs.

He heard the warning first and immediately dashed back into the kitchen.

SWMBO and Wife-hostess were visibly shaking and explaining, as agitated
women are wont, with catty precision to Doppelganger that she needed to
leave. Doppelganger had taken it upon herself to open the larder and help
herself to anything-and-everything. Husband-host, having finally had enough,
charged the hill and volleyed with his own vitriolic spew. Titanium and
Teflon held true, though, and Doppelganger incognizance and unwitting
ignorance at their reasons for being upset. I added my own nasty bend to the
mix and Doppelganger decided the odds, 4:1, were no longer in her favor. She
left with the same fanfare, slamming the door, that she'd entered with.

So, either Dave's niece can be in two places at similar times or she's got a
doppelganger.

* My description of what Doppelganger was doing, not Wife-hostess' words.

The Ranger