"aem" wrote
> David Hare-Scott wrote:
>> [snip]
>> I now have the case where a person who comes to my house to dine
>> makes me cringe. So far I have not said or (I hope) indicated
>> anything. I don't feel insulted by them but I would be embarassed
>> if we were in a restaurant.
>
> Don't invite him out with you to a restaurant. In the meantime,
> uncringe yourself. In other words, so far it's just your problem, not
> his.
>
>> The individual concerned clearly does not see that there is anything
>> wrong.
>
> And if you tell him there is, in your opinion, something wrong with his
> behavior, what will he take to be the underlying subtext? Is it, we
> really like you but you may not be aware that your manners put people
> off? Or is it, god I can hardly eat my food watching the spectacle you
> make of yourself! Or is it, you're such a clod in comparison to me
> that I want to urge you to come up to my loftier standard. I'm
> exaggerating, but the point is that people often react strongly and
> negatively to well-meaning criticism. Particularly when they don't
> think there is a problem, as is the case here.
>
>> I don't want to see him embarassed or hurt but I find his style hard
>> to bear.
>
> So bear it anyway, or run the risk of embarassing and hurting him.
>
>> Other members of the family share my disquiet and have remarked on
>> the situation to me. Our relationship with this fellow is likely to
>> be long term so 'grin and bear it' is not an appealing choice.
>
> Why not grin and bear it? I was always taught that tolerance of others
> was an essential component of good manners. You're saying none of your
> other friends have any annoying habits or mannerisms? Which do you
> choose to bring to their attention?
>
>> [snip description] ...it looks really ugly and clumsy to me.
>>
> So what?
>
>> Do you think this style of eating is reasonable for either an
>> informal family dinner or a restaurant?
>
>>From your tone, my guess is that your concept of "informal" and mine
> differ. I want guests at my informal table to enjoy themselves, which
> they won't if I make them uncomfortable. You've already said you'd be
> embarrassed in a restaurant with him.
>>
>> Should (or can) we, the family, try to do something about it? If so
> what?
>>
> If he becomes family, then the closest family member might consider it,
> or if he becomes a really close friend whom you know so well you can
> tailor the message to be effective but not insulting. Until then all
> you've really said is that the way he eats is unusual and you don't
> like it. If you make something of it before you have a close
> relationship with him, you will never get that close.
>
> I would make an exception and consider saying something if the person
> were not an adult or were from another culture but you haven't
> indicated that to be the case. -aem
>

I'm sorry, aem, but I totally disagree. Someone with such horrible eating
manners is a gross-out and destroys the dining experience for everyone in
the neighborhood. Why should one person be allowed to upset dining for
multiple others and on an regular basis? And cultural doesn't come into it
because s/he is dining in a specific location and should at least attempt to
abide by local manners, as those of us who world travel should attempt to
abide by local customs.

Personally, I consider this type of behavior to be a very nasty insult by a
very self-centered, self-absorbed, self-serving ugly person---someone who
should have been hit upside the head a very long time ago. Any person who
had a thought about others would make an attempt to learn how to eat in
public, whatever their background.

Would I continue to invite this jerk to my home to family dinners and
subject my family and friends to his rude behavior? Absolutely not. If
this a career situation where I must entertain this piece of crap in my home
then it would be him, me and my spouse. I would not subject my children and
others I like/love to this kind of abuse, and abuse is what it is.

Pam