We open with SLop dressed in mismatching red shirt and slacks on a sleigh
that just crashed into a tree with what appears to be asbestos snow on it.
She tells us about her gift for the holidays, "time". I thought it was
"indigestion". She introduces her recipes and announces it even comes with
snow! Her Xmas comes with snow?

SLop returns from commercial break with this extra wild-eyed look on her face
and exclaims "Whoot! It's cold outside, baby!" I don't believe it for a
second and now I know that wasn't asbestos snow, if you get my drift.

She starts with the bourbon glaze. As usual, she warns us not to pour alcohol
over an open flame. What open flame? She adds honey and molasses to add flavour
and color to the glaze (and of course, sugar). She then adds orange marmalade
and turns on the stove with a "Whoot!" She explains that the pieces of peel
become candy and the glaze would be great on turkey too; As you recall, this
is used when the turkey doesn't brown properly on Thanksgiving. She pulls out
a "bonin'" ham and cuts pretty little diamonds into it. Luckily, she doesn't
make them triangular this time. She makes the cuts 2 inches deep instead of
just scoring it. We are to heat it in the oven so that it's cooked and free
of bacteria that could make us sick. Imagine that. She sticks cloves into
the intersections on the ham, making it vaguely resemble Pinhead the Cerebite.
Is it me or is there an inordinate amount of fat on the bottom of that ham?
She "literally" pours half the glaze over the ham, dislodging most of the
cloves in the process.

She next makes a candied ham souffle. Two large cans of yams are strained,
but before she mashes them she makes a sugar con mixture to add the them. She
tells us that instead of marshmallows she use marshmallow fluff, "the kind
we put into our fudge". She then starts to mash the yams. How do her boobs
rest on her elbows like that? SLop then begins to announce what else she's
going to make but seems to forget just what it is she's going to make. We
head out to commercial with a clip of her trying to carry a tree and walk
at the same time.

We see an ad for FN's Seasons Eatings marathon, but there seems to be no
sign of SLop in it. Yay! Shortly after, we also see Ruth Reichel (Editor
of Gourmet Magazine) denouncing SLop's culinary crimes. Well, actually,
she's just shilling her magazine, which strikes me as an odd place to do it.

We return from commercial break with the MV Yule-be-Sorry log (If it looks
this bad when MV made it I cannot comprehend how craptastic SLop's will be!)
and the candied yam faux-souffle. My gawd, there's gotta be three inches of
fluff on that thing! She adds the butter mixture to the mashed yams because
she's making candied yams souffle (since when has a souffle not contained
eggs?) and mashes it together. "No more mashing needed!", she exclaims, then
adds a little bit of cinnamon and spice ("or shall I say nutmeg?") and puts it
into a baking dish. SLop then invites us to look at her Xmas window treatment
that she made from 10 foot long remnants and says it looks a lot like Xmas in
her kitchen. It looks
a lot like "Ass-mass" to me. She spreads the yams into a pan and frosts it
with marshmallow fluff instead of marshmallows because it "looks more
professional" when the top is smoothed instead of bumpy, which is how you
know they came from a package. She puts the yams into the oven and then opens
the other oven to baste the ham when something odd happens. We see her hands
opening the door and saying "and, I want to put a second" and it suddenly
cuts to her opening the door and saying "Look at this! Isn't that gorgeous?
I want to put a second layer of glaze onto the ham". Hmm, I wonder what
happened?

She then shares her best secret ever, making a faux yule log with a ho-ho
of Biblical proportions. She takes a tub of whipped topping that entered
some sort of culinary witness protection plan so its identity was blurred,
but it's obviously Cool Whip and announces that in five minutes you'll have a
yule log. No constipation jokes, please. She then grabs a knife
and fork, but not to eat it, but to make it look like bark and to add spirals
on the ends. At this point it looks like a huge sun-dried white dog turd. She
dusts
the log with coca powder and tells us how to dust the ends, by tipping the log
but not letting it fall of the plate. Brilliant, SLop. She then makes mushrooms
by toothpicking mini-marshmallows to Hershey chocolate kisses, but they look
nothing like mushrooms. She then puts the log into the fridge, because after
all, it IS whipped topping, and pulls out the ham from the oven and OMG! It
looks like some sort of porcine blooming onion! She pulls out the yams but it
looks like an unbaked pie of some sort. As we go to commercial, we see SLop
outside falling over and trying to make a snow angel in two inches of snow.
Idiot.

We see another promo for FN's Season's Eating featuring a quick cut of SLop
with her eyes bugging out over a humungous martini glass full of
gawd-knows-what and walking stage left.

SLop returns to tell us that no holiday is complete without cookies and
cocktails, which is a good thing because someone forgot to put up the
"Cocktail Time!" graphic, then procedes to make a "Santa Slay" with a cup
of brandy, a cup of Ameretto and two cups of eggnog, except that's not
eggnog; it's a container of eggnog-flavored coffemate! When she dumps it in,
it appears to be curdled. She then adds nutmeg and some vanilla ice cream,
reminding us to eliminate the booze if you make it for kids. She then pulses
it in the blender and, miracle of miracles, she actually pulses it instead
of leaving the blender run for 30 seconds. She prepares a nifty way to sugar
the
serving glasses by moistening her finger with brandy, rubbing it on the rim,
and then dipping the glass into a "sugar glass". SLop announces she'll be
drinking these while making the cookies for us (Whoot!) and garnishes the
giant glasses with a candy cane. She then makes her candy cane cookies with
sugar cookie dough from a Glad bag and food coloring. She blames this recipe
on Colleen, her "friend". She separates the dough and uses an entire bottle of
red food coloring on half to make sure it doesn't turn out pink. She announces
what a fine color the dough is and the camera cuts to a wad of florescent
blood-red dough. Yikes. She makes tubes of dough and "literally" braids them
together and trims the ends so they all match. There's gotta be a better
way to do that... In a not so strange sense of deja vu, SLop grabs a drink
and the cookies and heads off to show us her tablescape. We fade to commercial
with a clip of SLop failing to run and throw a snowball at the same time.

We return from the break to SLop shilling some sort of ornament decorating
kits consisting of glue letters and glitter. The camera cuts to her boobs
and then pans to the lame ornaments. Heh. She makes X-mas cards from blanks
and glues scrap booking embellishments onto them. She then suggests using
clear l'eggs containers with little gifts inside which also double as Xmas
ornaments, not-so-subtley suggesting a diamond ring to The Wallet and a dollar
bill for her nephew, Scotty, who LOVES money. SLop says she has to run because
her guests are about to arrive (ha!) and exits stage right.

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.