I'm...I'm...was she actually using a menorah as part of her "holiday" decorations? A fully
lighted one? To illuminate *ham*? (And, yeah, even *I* could tell that was a seriously ugly
piece of meat. You guys do remove the fat, right?)

That's right up there with the faux Buddha. Sandra, it's not nice to use things from other
people's religions just as decorations. Really.


>We open with SLop dressed in mismatching red shirt and slacks on a sleigh
>that just crashed into a tree with what appears to be asbestos snow on it.
>She tells us about her gift for the holidays, "time". I thought it was
>"indigestion". She introduces her recipes and announces it even comes with
>snow! Her Xmas comes with snow?
>
>SLop returns from commercial break with this extra wild-eyed look on her face
>and exclaims "Whoot! It's cold outside, baby!" I don't believe it for a
>second and now I know that wasn't asbestos snow, if you get my drift.
>
>She starts with the bourbon glaze. As usual, she warns us not to pour alcohol
>over an open flame. What open flame? She adds honey and molasses to add flavour
>and color to the glaze (and of course, sugar). She then adds orange marmalade
>and turns on the stove with a "Whoot!" She explains that the pieces of peel
>become candy and the glaze would be great on turkey too; As you recall, this
>is used when the turkey doesn't brown properly on Thanksgiving. She pulls out
>a "bonin'" ham and cuts pretty little diamonds into it. Luckily, she doesn't
>make them triangular this time. She makes the cuts 2 inches deep instead of
>just scoring it. We are to heat it in the oven so that it's cooked and free
>of bacteria that could make us sick. Imagine that. She sticks cloves into
>the intersections on the ham, making it vaguely resemble Pinhead the Cerebite.
>Is it me or is there an inordinate amount of fat on the bottom of that ham?
>She "literally" pours half the glaze over the ham, dislodging most of the
>cloves in the process.
>
>She next makes a candied ham souffle. Two large cans of yams are strained,
>but before she mashes them she makes a sugar con mixture to add the them. She
>tells us that instead of marshmallows she use marshmallow fluff, "the kind
>we put into our fudge". She then starts to mash the yams. How do her boobs
>rest on her elbows like that? SLop then begins to announce what else she's
>going to make but seems to forget just what it is she's going to make. We
>head out to commercial with a clip of her trying to carry a tree and walk
>at the same time.
>
>We see an ad for FN's Seasons Eatings marathon, but there seems to be no
>sign of SLop in it. Yay! Shortly after, we also see Ruth Reichel (Editor
>of Gourmet Magazine) denouncing SLop's culinary crimes. Well, actually,
>she's just shilling her magazine, which strikes me as an odd place to do it.
>
>We return from commercial break with the MV Yule-be-Sorry log (If it looks
>this bad when MV made it I cannot comprehend how craptastic SLop's will be!)
>and the candied yam faux-souffle. My gawd, there's gotta be three inches of
>fluff on that thing! She adds the butter mixture to the mashed yams because
>she's making candied yams souffle (since when has a souffle not contained
>eggs?) and mashes it together. "No more mashing needed!", she exclaims, then
>adds a little bit of cinnamon and spice ("or shall I say nutmeg?") and puts it
>into a baking dish. SLop then invites us to look at her Xmas window treatment
>that she made from 10 foot long remnants and says it looks a lot like Xmas in
>her kitchen. It looks
>a lot like "Ass-mass" to me. She spreads the yams into a pan and frosts it
>with marshmallow fluff instead of marshmallows because it "looks more
>professional" when the top is smoothed instead of bumpy, which is how you
>know they came from a package. She puts the yams into the oven and then opens
>the other oven to baste the ham when something odd happens. We see her hands
>opening the door and saying "and, I want to put a second" and it suddenly
>cuts to her opening the door and saying "Look at this! Isn't that gorgeous?
>I want to put a second layer of glaze onto the ham". Hmm, I wonder what
>happened?
>
>She then shares her best secret ever, making a faux yule log with a ho-ho
>of Biblical proportions. She takes a tub of whipped topping that entered
>some sort of culinary witness protection plan so its identity was blurred,
>but it's obviously Cool Whip and announces that in five minutes you'll have a
>yule log. No constipation jokes, please. She then grabs a knife
>and fork, but not to eat it, but to make it look like bark and to add spirals
>on the ends. At this point it looks like a huge sun-dried white dog turd. She
>dusts
>the log with coca powder and tells us how to dust the ends, by tipping the log
>but not letting it fall of the plate. Brilliant, SLop. She then makes mushrooms
>by toothpicking mini-marshmallows to Hershey chocolate kisses, but they look
>nothing like mushrooms. She then puts the log into the fridge, because after
>all, it IS whipped topping, and pulls out the ham from the oven and OMG! It
>looks like some sort of porcine blooming onion! She pulls out the yams but it
>looks like an unbaked pie of some sort. As we go to commercial, we see SLop
>outside falling over and trying to make a snow angel in two inches of snow.
>Idiot.
>
>We see another promo for FN's Season's Eating featuring a quick cut of SLop
>with her eyes bugging out over a humungous martini glass full of
>gawd-knows-what and walking stage left.
>
>SLop returns to tell us that no holiday is complete without cookies and
>cocktails, which is a good thing because someone forgot to put up the
>"Cocktail Time!" graphic, then procedes to make a "Santa Slay" with a cup
>of brandy, a cup of Ameretto and two cups of eggnog, except that's not
>eggnog; it's a container of eggnog-flavored coffemate! When she dumps it in,
>it appears to be curdled. She then adds nutmeg and some vanilla ice cream,
>reminding us to eliminate the booze if you make it for kids. She then pulses
>it in the blender and, miracle of miracles, she actually pulses it instead
>of leaving the blender run for 30 seconds. She prepares a nifty way to sugar
>the
>serving glasses by moistening her finger with brandy, rubbing it on the rim,
>and then dipping the glass into a "sugar glass". SLop announces she'll be
>drinking these while making the cookies for us (Whoot!) and garnishes the
>giant glasses with a candy cane. She then makes her candy cane cookies with
>sugar cookie dough from a Glad bag and food coloring. She blames this recipe
>on Colleen, her "friend". She separates the dough and uses an entire bottle of
>red food coloring on half to make sure it doesn't turn out pink. She announces
>what a fine color the dough is and the camera cuts to a wad of florescent
>blood-red dough. Yikes. She makes tubes of dough and "literally" braids them
>together and trims the ends so they all match. There's gotta be a better
>way to do that... In a not so strange sense of deja vu, SLop grabs a drink
>and the cookies and heads off to show us her tablescape. We fade to commercial
>with a clip of SLop failing to run and throw a snowball at the same time.
>
>We return from the break to SLop shilling some sort of ornament decorating
>kits consisting of glue letters and glitter. The camera cuts to her boobs
>and then pans to the lame ornaments. Heh. She makes X-mas cards from blanks
>and glues scrap booking embellishments onto them. She then suggests using
>clear l'eggs containers with little gifts inside which also double as Xmas
>ornaments, not-so-subtley suggesting a diamond ring to The Wallet and a dollar
>bill for her nephew, Scotty, who LOVES money. SLop says she has to run because
>her guests are about to arrive (ha!) and exits stage right.