What an effing meal from H壣!

We four (Spawn, Daughter-unit Alpha, Daughter-unit Beta and me)
went to a local pizza joint -- SWMBO was out wit' Da Grrlz --
since we'd had such a Smirfy day all day long.

We placed our order. We sat down. I asked everyone at our table
what they'd like to drink. I ask D-uA to get the shakers of cheese
and pepper flakes. I asked (politely) for everyone to remain on
their best behavior while I was at the soda station. Nodded heads
and proper mumbling faked me out.

I turned, and with D-uA steered to the condiment collection, and
proceeded to fill the glasses from the self-serve soda fountain.
I'm unfortunately not as skilled as I once was carrying fill
beverage glasses, and since spilling isn't just for kids anymore,
I've learned that multiple trips save on my embarrassment.

I turned away from the soda station to see D-uB creating a snow
scene that the Ice Queen would've been proud of. "What are you
doing?" I whispered into her ear as I got back to the table. She
jumped, scattering more cheese. "Do you play like this at home?" I
asked again.

"No, Daddy."

"Then why do I have to remind you that you don't here?"

"I dunno..."

"Go up to the counter. Ask for a towel and basin. You will clean
up this mess."

"Yes, Daddy."

I turned on my two remaining daughters-units, "Don't play with the
cheese. You don't at home. You don't when we go out. Was that
clear?" Nods of affirmation. D-uB came back with a towel and small
bowl and proceeds to clean up her blizzard of green-boxed
gratings.

"Don't play with the cheese again." She ducked her shoulders and
nodded an affirmative.

I returned to the drink station to fill the remaining two glasses.
I am there no more than 30 seconds when I hear, "Spawn! Don't!"

Oh damndamndamn. I turn around to see Spawn, shaker of pepper
flakes firmly grasped with two hands piling it on the table (and
floor) in front of her. I take a deep breath and quickly walk back
to the table. "What do you think you're doing?"

"You no say dis!" my then 3-yo ostensibly argued.

I clacked my teeth audibly shut. No, as a matter of fact, I hadn't
said "Spawn, don't play with the pepper flakes." I hadn't thought
it necessary. Alpha and Beta sat looking at each other. Talking
back wasn't an acceptable form of communication in Clan Ranger.
There are often... consequences... if one tries it at an importune
moment. This was such a one.

"Do you normally play with your food? At the table? Or do you sit
at the table until the food's ready?"

"No."

"'No,' what?"

"No, I no play wi' my food. I sit 'n wait for my food."

"So... What are you doing here?"

"Playing."

I extended my hand. "Don't play with..." as the pepper flake
shaker was set into my palm, "this." I reached over for the towel
and bowl and wiped the table yet again. I brought bowl and towel
back to the counter, thanked the manager, and returned to my
troupe of clowns.

Waiting progressed nicely.

The four of us talked about all the things we'd done during the
day, with the girls often recapping them in triplicate.

Suddenly, Spawn's face contorted into the Silent Screaming Mask of
Utter Pain. I knew immediately what had happened. I picked her up,
and off to the bathroom we charged.

There are many things I could have done but only one that I did at
that moment. I turned the water on cold, a gentle flow, and stuck
her face under it. This action allowed me to wash the flake (a
very large one) out immediately.

It ****ed her off royally though. The Silent Scream morphed into
the Angry-****ed-Off Yell. The bathroom, a Spartan closet with
auditorium sound capabilities, sent her 110dB screech cascading
throughout the bathroom and out into the pizzeria. I didn't care
how loudly she blew her chords as long as I could keep her from
rubbing her eye. This prevention set a higher octave into the
bathroom.

It took 10 minutes of washing, drying, washing, drying, and then
applying a wet paper towel before she stopped yelling at me but it
was worth it.

When I finished dabbing her eye, she once again tried to ram her
pepper-laced fingertips into her eyeball. I stopped that motion
and deftly moved them under the running water. Several flakes fell
into the basin. Their floating stopped her screaming and burbling
as she watched them circle the drain.

"When did you touch the peppers?"

"<sniffle> When you wipe up. I pinch 'em. I don' like'em."

"No. I would like them in my eyes, either. Let's take the pizza
home."

"Uh-huh."

[Damndamndamn]

The Ranger