"The Ranger" > wrote in message
...
> What an effing meal from H壣!
>
> We four (Spawn, Daughter-unit Alpha, Daughter-unit Beta and me)
> went to a local pizza joint -- SWMBO was out wit' Da Grrlz --
> since we'd had such a Smirfy day all day long.
>
> We placed our order. We sat down. I asked everyone at our table
> what they'd like to drink. I ask D-uA to get the shakers of cheese
> and pepper flakes. I asked (politely) for everyone to remain on
> their best behavior while I was at the soda station. Nodded heads
> and proper mumbling faked me out.
>
> I turned, and with D-uA steered to the condiment collection, and
> proceeded to fill the glasses from the self-serve soda fountain.
> I'm unfortunately not as skilled as I once was carrying fill
> beverage glasses, and since spilling isn't just for kids anymore,
> I've learned that multiple trips save on my embarrassment.
>
> I turned away from the soda station to see D-uB creating a snow
> scene that the Ice Queen would've been proud of. "What are you
> doing?" I whispered into her ear as I got back to the table. She
> jumped, scattering more cheese. "Do you play like this at home?" I
> asked again.
>
> "No, Daddy."
>
> "Then why do I have to remind you that you don't here?"
>
> "I dunno..."
>
> "Go up to the counter. Ask for a towel and basin. You will clean
> up this mess."
>
> "Yes, Daddy."
>
> I turned on my two remaining daughters-units, "Don't play with the
> cheese. You don't at home. You don't when we go out. Was that
> clear?" Nods of affirmation. D-uB came back with a towel and small
> bowl and proceeds to clean up her blizzard of green-boxed
> gratings.
>
> "Don't play with the cheese again." She ducked her shoulders and
> nodded an affirmative.
>
> I returned to the drink station to fill the remaining two glasses.
> I am there no more than 30 seconds when I hear, "Spawn! Don't!"
>
> Oh damndamndamn. I turn around to see Spawn, shaker of pepper
> flakes firmly grasped with two hands piling it on the table (and
> floor) in front of her. I take a deep breath and quickly walk back
> to the table. "What do you think you're doing?"
>
> "You no say dis!" my then 3-yo ostensibly argued.
>
> I clacked my teeth audibly shut. No, as a matter of fact, I hadn't
> said "Spawn, don't play with the pepper flakes." I hadn't thought
> it necessary. Alpha and Beta sat looking at each other. Talking
> back wasn't an acceptable form of communication in Clan Ranger.
> There are often... consequences... if one tries it at an importune
> moment. This was such a one.
>
> "Do you normally play with your food? At the table? Or do you sit
> at the table until the food's ready?"
>
> "No."
>
> "'No,' what?"
>
> "No, I no play wi' my food. I sit 'n wait for my food."
>
> "So... What are you doing here?"
>
> "Playing."
>
> I extended my hand. "Don't play with..." as the pepper flake
> shaker was set into my palm, "this." I reached over for the towel
> and bowl and wiped the table yet again. I brought bowl and towel
> back to the counter, thanked the manager, and returned to my
> troupe of clowns.
>
> Waiting progressed nicely.
>
> The four of us talked about all the things we'd done during the
> day, with the girls often recapping them in triplicate.
>
> Suddenly, Spawn's face contorted into the Silent Screaming Mask of
> Utter Pain. I knew immediately what had happened. I picked her up,
> and off to the bathroom we charged.
>
> There are many things I could have done but only one that I did at
> that moment. I turned the water on cold, a gentle flow, and stuck
> her face under it. This action allowed me to wash the flake (a
> very large one) out immediately.
>
> It ****ed her off royally though. The Silent Scream morphed into
> the Angry-****ed-Off Yell. The bathroom, a Spartan closet with
> auditorium sound capabilities, sent her 110dB screech cascading
> throughout the bathroom and out into the pizzeria. I didn't care
> how loudly she blew her chords as long as I could keep her from
> rubbing her eye. This prevention set a higher octave into the
> bathroom.
>
> It took 10 minutes of washing, drying, washing, drying, and then
> applying a wet paper towel before she stopped yelling at me but it
> was worth it.
>
> When I finished dabbing her eye, she once again tried to ram her
> pepper-laced fingertips into her eyeball. I stopped that motion
> and deftly moved them under the running water. Several flakes fell
> into the basin. Their floating stopped her screaming and burbling
> as she watched them circle the drain.
>
> "When did you touch the peppers?"
>
> "<sniffle> When you wipe up. I pinch 'em. I don' like'em."
>
> "No. I would like them in my eyes, either. Let's take the pizza
> home."
>
> "Uh-huh."
>
> [Damndamndamn]
>
> The Ranger

Thanks again for another entertaining post