How much do you like this person if it weren't for the problem of
getting enough to eat when it is her turn to serve dinner? That's the
crux of the problem. This goes for the other thread too on how to
divide a check fairly.


There are people I adore spending time with. I'm glad to do all the
cooking and all the picking up of the check. In one case I'm thinking
of, my friend is so generous in a thousand ways that I don't mind a bit.
I'm always welcome in her apartment which is always clean and friendly
when I get there. Nevermind that sometimes there's only ice water in
the fridge. She's GENEROUS when she offers me water. She's never
minded when I've complained irrationally. She's just shrugged and known
I'll get over it soon. When we go out together, she drives. She knows
I hate driving. When she runs out of gas, I fill up her tank. She's
never been too busy for me. We each make fabric art, and when I need a
critique, she gives me her honest opinion with tact and love. She puts
up with me in all the ways a friend has to. I've never called her in
the middle of the night, but it is nice knowing that I could. She
probably wouldn't mind that. And she's so appreciative of my cooking.
Granted I'm good at it and like it, but she eats my experiments and my
thrown-together meals with as much enthusiasm and good grace as you
could ask for. Mind cooking for her or getting the check? Nah, not in
a million years.


And then there are the people I think are cheap. It is hard to put my
finger on exactly what the difference is, but the bottom line is that I
don't like them much.


Many years ago I was in a low point of my life. I'd moved to a new
city, wasn't making much money. Though I wasn't in debt, was paying the
bills and could afford a dinner out now and then, I was on a pretty
strict budget. I didn't have friends in town and was under a lot of
pressure. Somehow I'd struck up a friendship with a woman who was
herself in a circle of friends. We were all single. I needed people to
hang out with and thought I liked them. Actually, I was in such a low
place that I felt lucky to be with them and have any friends at all.


More than once, the scenario would go like this: My friend would call
me up and ask me to dinner. She'd say we were celebrating another
friend's birthday. I'd understand that I was paying my own way and
order accordingly, but when the check came, she'd grab it, turn to the
birthday girl, and announce that WE were getting the check since it was
her birthday. If there were 4 of us at the table, I wouldn't pay for my
own meal (what I'd planned), and I wouldn't pay 1/4 of the total meals
(a little more but still acceptable), I'd pay 1/3 of the total meals (in
other words, my own meal and 1/3 of the birthday girl's) (more than I
counted on). Even that wouldn't bother me except that it always seemed
like the one who organized the whole deal would get thanked while I was
paying for it. It wasn't like a group where I'd get taken out on my
birthday. I just felt like I was paying for someone else's friend.


I got tricked a few times. One time I even got tricked into giving a
dinner party in my own home for her and her friends. She said she was
interested in cooking lessons, and I readily agreed that we'd buy
groceries and cook together and invite over a few guests. A few guests
turned into more guests, and before I knew it, my tiny apartment was
overrun with people she knew, and they all ended up thanking her for the
great party. They thanked me too, but it wasn't like I was on their
guest list for the future.


And you know what? I don't care. I minded a bit at the time, but in
the long run, I realized that I didn't like these people. It wasn't
that they were cheap, it was that they were crazy. They weren't fun to
be with. I wasn't interested in anything they had to say, and I'm sure
they were bored with me too. They were there for me during a time in my
life when I was too down to know any better. You could almost say I was
using them since I would have had no one to hang out with at all
otherwise. When better friends came along, I neatly slid out of that
group and have had no regrets about leaving.


That's all a long digression, but I'm still thinking about your
question. How much do you like the lady who doesn't buy enough food
when it is her turn to serve? If she's like the first friend I
described and you like her a lot, tell her she doesn't have to take a
turn serving but you want her to come to the gatherings anyway. If
she's like the second friend I described and you don't care for her that
much, tell her that there isn't enough food and that if she doesn't want
to get kicked out, buy more.


--Lia, the tactless