MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security.
Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds
of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the
pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will
rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet
will be provided for patrolling the park areas.

In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take
over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be
responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as
continuing previous secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will
need to let their families know to bring something, or may make
arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time.
Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for
this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing
range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment.
Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may
also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special
discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming
groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by
calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and
listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.

Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the
TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be
checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard
equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a
rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on
Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to
handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only
performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already
bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two
x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required
by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of
one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday
paper if they want extra sets. Eckerd's will also honor competitors'
coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if
you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the
ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company
has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room,
office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and
appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the
hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the
collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each
floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are
encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy
compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of
antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase
through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the
only antibiotics listed on the HMOs' formulary.
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson