"OmManiPadmeOmelet" > wrote in message
...
> MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
> FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
> SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
>
> Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security.
> Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds
> of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the
> pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will
> rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet
> will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
>
> In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take
> over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be
> responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as
> continuing previous secretarial duties.
>
> Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will
> need to let their families know to bring something, or may make
> arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time.
> Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for
> this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.
>
> Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be
> issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing
> range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment.
> Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may
> also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special
> discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
>
> As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming
> groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by
> calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and
> listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.
>
> Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the
> TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be
> checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard
> equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a
> rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on
> Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to
> handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
>
> Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only
> performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already
> bleeding.
>
> Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two
> x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required
> by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of
> one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday
> paper if they want extra sets. Eckerd's will also honor competitors'
> coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if
> you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the
> ER.
>
> In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company
> has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room,
> office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and
> appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the
> hospital gift shop.
>
> In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the
> collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each
> floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are
> encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy
> compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of
> antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase
> through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the
> only antibiotics listed on the HMOs' formulary.
> --
> Peace, Om.
>
> "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack
> Nicholson


It sounds just like something my hospital would come up with. The theatre
business manager gave a rousing speech the other day, that we were a
factory, and we weren't producing enough!
I'm sure the patients would love to know that they weren't individuals but
items to be processed as quickly as possible!
(She's an X nurse!)
Sarah