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Posted to rec.food.cooking
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Joke Du Jour, Memo to Hospital staff
Sarah wrote:
> "OmManiPadmeOmelet" > wrote in message
> ...
> > MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
> > FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
> > SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
> >
> > Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security.
> > Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds
> > of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the
> > pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will
> > rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet
> > will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
> >
> > In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take
> > over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be
> > responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as
> > continuing previous secretarial duties.
> >
> > Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will
> > need to let their families know to bring something, or may make
> > arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time.
> > Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for
> > this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.
> >
> > Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be
> > issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing
> > range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment.
> > Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may
> > also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special
> > discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
> >
> > As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming
> > groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by
> > calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and
> > listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.
> >
> > Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the
> > TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be
> > checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard
> > equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a
> > rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on
> > Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to
> > handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
> >
> > Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only
> > performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already
> > bleeding.
> >
> > Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two
> > x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required
> > by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of
> > one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday
> > paper if they want extra sets. Eckerd's will also honor competitors'
> > coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if
> > you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the
> > ER.
> >
> > In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company
> > has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room,
> > office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and
> > appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the
> > hospital gift shop.
> >
> > In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the
> > collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each
> > floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are
> > encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy
> > compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of
> > antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase
> > through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the
> > only antibiotics listed on the HMOs' formulary.
> > --
> > Peace, Om.
> >
> > "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack
> > Nicholson
>
>
> It sounds just like something my hospital would come up with. The theatre
> business manager gave a rousing speech the other day, that we were a
> factory, and we weren't producing enough!
> I'm sure the patients would love to know that they weren't individuals but
> items to be processed as quickly as possible!
> (She's an X nurse!)
X-Nurses are the best kind: http://www.funnyinside.com/Sexynurse.shtml
Sheldon
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