Reuters
1 April 2006

J. Murray Fefferman, worlds oldest winesalesman, has been captured and is
believed to be under armed guard at a hunting estate owned by friends of the
Vice President.

Mr. Fefferman escaped from a assisted living facility 4 months ago, before
capture he was indicted for dry humping a 77 year old female, escape from
custody, and intellectual theft and fraud(borrowing from Mel Brook's 1000
year old man.)

Mr. Fefferman tried to get a senior discount at Billy Bob Klemp's House of
Sudz in a small hamlet, Helm, near Baton Rouge, when asked for some ID, he
bolted our the door. Since a person of Judaic roots had never been in Helm,
the bartender Tiny Abercombie suspected something was amiss since he did not
see any horns protruding from Fefferman's forehead and called the State
Police. Using a trained ferret, the State Police following the trail of
discarded Metamucil tablets until they caught up with Fefferman. He was
stripped searched and asked for any ID and was told he had none, when asked
he told police he was born 187 BC in what is now Minsk. Overwhelmed the
State Police called in Homeland Security. In accordance with new procedures
within 24 hours Michael Chertoff had pictures of Fefferman which he compared
to an artist's sketch of Abdul Moishe Rachmunis, a suspected terrorist, who
uses his pant's zipper as a weapon. Chertoff was quoted "Close enough for
government work" and arranged preliminary interrogation at the hunting
lodge. Fefferman is slated for incarceration in Guantanimo and an expedited
trial. Ramsey Clark has asked William Kunstler to represent Fefferman but
the Justice Department obtained an injunction against any communication from
Kunstler to Fefferman. When asked about the injunction an anonymous Justice
Department said "Jingling Jesus, we don't even know if the guy's a citizen".
Jerry Falwell has arranged for one of his classes to determine what other
laws the alleged salesman has broken. A Presidential Aide said "The old
coot is just the tip of the iceberg. We need to find out how he entered the
US. The Geneva convention doesn't apply. We are feeding him a diet of
fiber, to make him talk."

Pat Robertson has not recanted a remark he made when he thought the
microphones were off "That Jewboy is gonna fry real good, we never should
have let the first Heeb get off the boat. I always knew the first settlers
were soft on the Christ Killers."

The ADA, ACLU, and Scout Troop 654 tried to organize a protest, but so far
have not been able to interest anyone except their families.

More later.