"Dave Smith" > wrote in message
...
> MareCat wrote:
>
>>
>> I've only ever been to two funerals -- one for a coworker who died of a
>> heart attack at the age of 35, and one for a friend who died of stomach
>> cancer at the age of 46. Everyone else who's ever been close to me is
>> still
>> living.
>
> Consider yourself lucky. My parents used to take us to family funerals
> (great
> aunts and great uncles) from the time I was very young. I was a pall
> bearer at
> the funeral of my best friend who was killed in a motorcycle accident when
> I was
> 14,

At about that age, I went to my best friend's mother's funeral. I had spent
the last year watching the woman die of breast cancer. Before that, I spent
a lot of time at the house, and I always thought she was the nicest, most
perfect mom ever.

and again 4 months later for another friend who was killed in a car
> accident. I hate funerals, but attendance is, IMO, a matter of doing the
> right
> thing, whether you like funerals or not.

It's doing the right thing, up to a point. Some people manage to cause so
much commotion at a wake or funeral that the family would be better off
without them attending. I can recall a certain ex-husband and wife who
nearly caused a brawl at one funeral, and another sister who wailed and
cried and carried on at the loss of her brother so much that you'd think she
lost her best and only true friend. Even though she hadn't found the time or
energy to pick up the phone and call that brother for a good 10-15 years.
The dramatics weren't appreciated by the family members who were truly
mourning.

And if someone is just naturally over-emotional or maybe has had a recent
loss themselves and aren't under good emotional control, it might be better
to skip the wake or funeral and send flowers or whatever.

Aside from being flooded with old and
> sad memories at funerals, the services themselves just **** me right off.
> Ministers always use the services as an opportunity to push their
> mythology and
> try to explain the their god has a reason for the person's death.

Whoever is in charge of the wake/funeral gets input into the service. Or at
least that's been my experience. If the deceased & family are very
religious, the service is, too. If the family isn't all that religious (and
if the minister is willing to go along with family wishes) the service ends
up being more of a memorial and less of a religious service.

>
>> We attended a "dead spread" luncheon at the home of the 46-year-old
>> friend's
>> widow after the funeral. All of the close friends and family were asked
>> to
>> bring a dish to pass. I brought King Ranch Chicken and peach cobbler.
>> Lots
>> and lots of people attended, so there was *tons* of all sorts of food and
>> copious amounts of alcohol.
>
> A few people in my wife's family have done memorial cocktail parties
> instead of
> funerals or wakes.
>

A friend's brother's wake included buddies standing around the coffin doing
shots. I wasn't there when it happened, but it was reported by several
others who were there. I believe that at some point, the deceased also had a
lit joint in his lips.

Donna