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Pennyaline

wrote:
> Today I attempted to make chocolate fudge. The result was horrifying;
> nay, brutal. One could even go so far as to say the product was hostile
> in a very antagonistic, unfriendly way. It was at once very granular
> and gritty, and a liquefied, humid, drooling, vulgar, unappealing,
> disappointing, regrettable sludge.

It knew you were looking. You can't let it know that you know. Like all
confections, it can smell fear.

> The viscous gelatinous mass did not
> promiscuously bunch up and solidify as the Good Lord intended,

"...promiscuously bunch up and solidify..."... hmmm. I would think that
its penchant for warm runniness was more indicative of promiscuity than
cohesive bonding would be, but maybe that's just me.

> but,
> rather, chose to defy the physics of cooking itself in its wonton
> disregard of my hopes, wishes, and desires.

Wonton? It had wontons?? Where'd it get 'em? No wonder it didn't work!

> The fruit of my effort did
> not, alas, yield a sum greater than the whole, as fudgie components are
> expected, are much anticipated, to render.
>
> Something, some where, appears to have gone wrong. Some incantation
> unuttered; some blood sacrifice unperformed; some sigil drawn
> incorrectly; an unapt inapt periapt wielded by my clumsy, awkward,
> maladroit hand.

Nonsense! Nothing of the kind. You're only inept.

> About $3 wasted.

Now that's the part that really hurts.

> I am contemplating another attempt, though all other past attempts in
> the culinary manner have yielded similar results: cookies don't;
> brownies blacken; cakes cant;

Oh, ahahahahahahaha!! Ahaha!

But I must ask: Do roasts? Is it only baking and confections that you
curse, or does everything turn out badly?

> ferments foudroyantly foul (awe, go on---
> look it up).

Nothing comes close to your post in foudroyance, trust me.

> I am not convinced that the altitude (6,505 feet above
> mean sea level) is to blame; I am considering the likelihood of some
> kind of curse.

It is doubtless a curse, as altitude will not impact cookies, fudge,
ferments, etc. Cakes, yes. Breads, yes. The rest, no.

> Be there any kind soul out there who has a successful chocolate fudge
> recipe? If so, perhaps you would be good enough to share it.

I could teach you, but I'd have to charge.

<my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard>