LadyJane wrote:
> Mum's been bitching and moaning about her stove for some months.
> This week I was shopping (with Mum in tow) for a new dishwasher.
> She saw a stove she liked... but couldn't - at this point in time -
> afford.
> I found a new dishwasher, but the retailer had to get back to me about
> availability in s/s.
> When he rang that afternoon, by which time Mum had gone home, I ordered
> both the stove & the d/w.
>
> Arranged for an electrician (she won't have a gas stove... long story)
> to install the new stove today at around 10am.
> Rang Mum & said my dishwasher was being delivered today, but I had
> another appointment for an hour or so, could she come to our home on
> the off-chance that the d/w was delivered while I was away..... while
> all the time I was around at her place letting in the electrician and
> overseeing the installation and delivery of her new stove!!
>
> hehehehe - deviousness is such fun!
>
> Unbelievably - I have never been able to keep presents secret for some
> 40 odd years - I kept quiet about it all... even after returning home &
> spending a lovely 3 hours watching Foodie shows on pay tv. All the
> while Mum's talking about what she'll make for dinner tonight*, having
> gleaned some great recipes from the Food Network.
> Just drove her home - kitchen exactly as she left it, pots on the new
> stove, tea-towel handing on the oven handle.... still didn't notice
> anything 'new' about her kitchen.
> Am waiting (excitedly) for her phone call when she finally notices
> (geez, I sure hope she notices!!!) she's got a new stove!!!!!!

Why is your mom "in tow", is she infirm, do you consider her a child?

But what if she really and truly didn't want a new stove, and not
particulary that one... she could have just been day dreaming out loud,
because you were getting a new appliance she didn't want to be left out
of the shopping celebration. My father did that to my mother with a
refrigerator - very similar story - she was so ****ed that it was a
long time before she resumed cooking for him and at every opportunity
would make disparaging comments about the new fridge to anyone who
would listen, how the old one was better, this way, that way, every
which way... and here it wasn't a financial issue, in fact the money
came out of the same communal pot... my mom was ****ed becauwse she was
removed from the decision as though she were a child.

I don't know your relationship with your mom but I think it's pretty
presumptuous to do something so major like that without her knowledge.
I know if it were me I'd feel violated, not to mention belittled by the
obvious reminder that I couldn't afford the new thing, that I was so
needy that my child had to support my needs... I don't know, I have
mixed feelings about what you did. Were it me wanting to buy my parent
something major like that I think I'd be more up front, ask if it were
okay, do it out in the open with their full knowlege and approval, and
not foist it on them. The fact that you thrust that stove on your mom
like a surprise party tells me you did the deed more for you than for
her... obviously you could afford it and needed to make that fact
apparent to her to win her approval (all children need thei parent's
approval regardless of age), but the money per se is not the real
issue, it's what the money represents, it's more of a power play, all
about being in control. I don't think children should ever commit any
act that signifys control of a parent... before any such decisions one
needs to demonstrate consideration for all future emotional outcomes.
I think because of the way you orchestrated the switcheroo every time
your mom has to look at that stove she will be reminded that it was
charity, you did it because you determined that she couldn't afford a
new one. I strongly suspect she could well afford a new stove but it
just wasn't her priority at that time. There were plenty of times my
mom would complain about how my father was just too cheap to buy her
some new thing, like say a washer and dryer, but I was not about to
meddle. Regardless of the circumstances a charity purchase is always
meddling. Maybe that you needed to post this incident is out of guilt,
in quest for approval.

I would have waited for an occassion, my mom's birthday, Mother's Day,
etc., then take her shopping... more likely I'd giver her a gift
certificate... I feel it's important for a parent to be made to feel in
control of their destiny... what's your next surprise, registerintg her
into the nursing home... well that's how such acts make parents feel.

And that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Sheldon