Sheldon wrote:
>
> LadyJane wrote:
> > Mum's been bitching and moaning about her stove for some months.
> > This week I was shopping (with Mum in tow) for a new dishwasher.
> > She saw a stove she liked... but couldn't - at this point in time -
> > afford.
> > I found a new dishwasher, but the retailer had to get back to me about
> > availability in s/s.
> > When he rang that afternoon, by which time Mum had gone home, I ordered
> > both the stove & the d/w.
> >
> > Arranged for an electrician (she won't have a gas stove... long story)
> > to install the new stove today at around 10am.
> > Rang Mum & said my dishwasher was being delivered today, but I had
> > another appointment for an hour or so, could she come to our home on
> > the off-chance that the d/w was delivered while I was away..... while
> > all the time I was around at her place letting in the electrician and
> > overseeing the installation and delivery of her new stove!!
> >
> > hehehehe - deviousness is such fun!
> >
> > Unbelievably - I have never been able to keep presents secret for some
> > 40 odd years - I kept quiet about it all... even after returning home &
> > spending a lovely 3 hours watching Foodie shows on pay tv. All the
> > while Mum's talking about what she'll make for dinner tonight*, having
> > gleaned some great recipes from the Food Network.
> > Just drove her home - kitchen exactly as she left it, pots on the new
> > stove, tea-towel handing on the oven handle.... still didn't notice
> > anything 'new' about her kitchen.
> > Am waiting (excitedly) for her phone call when she finally notices
> > (geez, I sure hope she notices!!!) she's got a new stove!!!!!!
>
> Why is your mom "in tow", is she infirm, do you consider her a child?
>
> But what if she really and truly didn't want a new stove, and not
> particulary that one... she could have just been day dreaming out loud,
> because you were getting a new appliance she didn't want to be left out
> of the shopping celebration. My father did that to my mother with a
> refrigerator - very similar story - she was so ****ed that it was a
> long time before she resumed cooking for him and at every opportunity
> would make disparaging comments about the new fridge to anyone who
> would listen, how the old one was better, this way, that way, every
> which way... and here it wasn't a financial issue, in fact the money
> came out of the same communal pot... my mom was ****ed becauwse she was
> removed from the decision as though she were a child.
>
> I don't know your relationship with your mom but I think it's pretty
> presumptuous to do something so major like that without her knowledge.
> I know if it were me I'd feel violated, not to mention belittled by the
> obvious reminder that I couldn't afford the new thing, that I was so
> needy that my child had to support my needs... I don't know, I have
> mixed feelings about what you did. Were it me wanting to buy my parent
> something major like that I think I'd be more up front, ask if it were
> okay, do it out in the open with their full knowlege and approval, and
> not foist it on them. The fact that you thrust that stove on your mom
> like a surprise party tells me you did the deed more for you than for
> her... obviously you could afford it and needed to make that fact
> apparent to her to win her approval (all children need thei parent's
> approval regardless of age), but the money per se is not the real
> issue, it's what the money represents, it's more of a power play, all
> about being in control. I don't think children should ever commit any
> act that signifys control of a parent... before any such decisions one
> needs to demonstrate consideration for all future emotional outcomes.
> I think because of the way you orchestrated the switcheroo every time
> your mom has to look at that stove she will be reminded that it was
> charity, you did it because you determined that she couldn't afford a
> new one. I strongly suspect she could well afford a new stove but it
> just wasn't her priority at that time. There were plenty of times my
> mom would complain about how my father was just too cheap to buy her
> some new thing, like say a washer and dryer, but I was not about to
> meddle. Regardless of the circumstances a charity purchase is always
> meddling. Maybe that you needed to post this incident is out of guilt,
> in quest for approval.
>
> I would have waited for an occassion, my mom's birthday, Mother's Day,
> etc., then take her shopping... more likely I'd giver her a gift
> certificate... I feel it's important for a parent to be made to feel in
> control of their destiny... what's your next surprise, registerintg her
> into the nursing home... well that's how such acts make parents feel.
>
> And that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
>
> Sheldon


Geeze Shel...this is low even for you....