Lemon Tarts

A few years ago I went to a Jehovah Witness funeral in Prince Albert
Saskatchewan, it was the funeral of a Jehovah Witness who shot himself. The
food was really good except for the lemon tarts. There were several types of
pies, lots and lots of cheese (and different types of cheeses), there were
beverages of assorted types, and there was even fruit. I was overjoyed to
find lemon tarts but my joy quickly turned to sadness as these lemon tarts
were the worst lemon tarts that I ever tasted, they were not only bitter and
sour, but they were rubbery as well. But I did not let the lemon tarts spoil
the funeral, this JW funeral was one of the best funerals I ever attended as
there was a huge amount of food, and except for the lemon tarts, the food
was really good. And there were nubile sweeties at the funeral. Generally
you will find nubile sweeties in the greatest abundance when the funeral is
for a high school student. It doesn't matter if the student was male or
female, the nubile sweeties come out to the funeral regardless of the sex of
the deceased. That's the best kind of funeral, A) when there is lots of
food, B) when there are nubile sweeties present in great abundance, and C)
when the priest or pastor says hilarious things that make you laugh, such as
"Only God knows why little Johnny died." But I know why little Johnny died,
it's in the Bible in Exodus 20:5 (the parents value traditions in place of
God and His Commandments, and God rewards their apostasy by the removal of
their children). And so, since nubile sweeties are found in greatest
abundance at the funerals of high school students, then it is the funerals
of high school students that make the very very best funerals, especially if
there is food. I just wish there was more and better lemon tarts. And I've
never found pumpkin pie at a funeral but I would very much like to eat
pumpkin pie at some poor slob's funeral. I stuff my face (and my pockets)
with all the good food and look at all the pretty nubile sweeties and have
the time of my life, but I have to scratch my head and wonder why the fellow
would shoot himself, he's missing out on all the good food. There are
interstink people to talk to, there are pretty nubile sweeties to look at,
there is good food to eat, there are humorous preachers to listen to... but
the fellow isn't alive to partake in the festivities, he's missing out on
life!!! Maybe the Jehovah Witness was some kind of JW prophet, he knew that
the lemon tarts were to be no damn good, and so he shot himself. That's what
I think about JW's and anybody else who shoot themselves, they are simply
missing out on life. Perhaps if the JW women would make better lemon tarts
then the JW men would be less apt to shoot themselves, I predict. The JW
women are spending too much time on street corners trying to flog their
crappy magazines when they should be at home learning how to make proper
lemon tarts. In all fairness I guess most people would shoot themselves if
they knew ahead of time that the lemon tarts at their funerals were to be
bitter and rubbery, it is not a problem that just plagues the Jehovah
Witness community. Anyway, I like pumpkin pie and I wish you people would
inform me ahead of time if there is goink to be pumpkin pie at your
funerals. For example, you can send me a letter saying that you intend to
shoot yourself because you are some sort of prophet who knows in advance
that the lemon tarts at your funeral are to be no damn good, but that I
should come anyway because there will be pumpkin pie, or some damn thing
like that. -Daryl S. Kabatoff