We begin with SLop in her dinning room wearing this fugly black dress that she
swiped from the "Laverne and Shirley" show. I can tell because of the
infantile white "S" on the left side. Oh wait, it was Laverne who did that,
wasn't it? Anyhow, she asks "I bet your wondering what I'm doing?" No, not
really. SLop ignores me and tells me anyway that she's making a house of cards
that will NEVER fall down for the centerpiece of her tablescape. I cannot
wait. SLop shops us a casino table kit she got from a catalog somewhere (it's
one of those cheesy tablecloths with a blackjack table pattern on it) and then
lists off the menu. Nothing too exciting, but I recognize the ugly 1970's red
and black wall paper in the background from an earlier ep. Among the items are
little mini chicken pot pies made in cute little expresso [sic] cups.

After the credits, SLop enters the kitchen. The theme color is black and it
appears she glued playing cards all over the place. She begins by making her
mini burgers. She crumbles some meat into a bowl and washes her hands. Hmm, is
that a new faucet? She tells us the best trick in the book for seasoning meat
is to use a package of pot roast seasoning, adding it even has dried
vegetables in it! She adds an egg and Worcestershire sauce, reminding us that
she STILL cannot pronounce it. Apparently she also cannot button up shirts
properly, as evidenced by the gap of fabric and visible button at the cleavage
level. She mixes the meat and makes meatballs, poking her finger into it for a
place to put the ketchup or mustard later. She advises us to use lean beef so
the hole doesn't fill up with grease. Ewww. She pops them into the oven for a
"very quick cook", a couple minutes at 400 degrees and then works on the mini
disks; Wonder bread cut with a biscuit cutter. As she mushes a slice of bread,
she says you should be able to three or four out of each slice, barely
producing three. Idiot. She puts them onto a baking sheet and tells us the
trick to making them toasty is to spray them with olive oil PAM. I thought
putting them into the oven did that.

While the burgers and disks toast, she starts to work on the poker chips by
putting a cup flour in a bag and adding all four packets of roast garlic
seasoning. For the chips themselves, she will use red potatoes and sweet
potatoes, the best prepackaged flavor combinations in the store. She grabs
some sweet potatoes and slices them with a mandolin, warning us to protect our
hands and to throw away the stub. She puts the slices into the flour mix and
sets it aside so they can coat themselves while she works on the burgers.

SLop suddenly produces some finished burgers from the oven and tries to
convince us they cooked fast. She grabs some of the disk shaped "toast points"
[sic] and a spoon, then uses a napkin to soak up the collected grease in the
burger holes. Wouldn't it be easier to cook them with the holes facing
downward? As she assembles the burgers, she blames it on The Wallet's friend
"Sam", who made them for her birthday and gave her some mini plastic ketchup
and mustard "pieces" (those red and yellow squeeze bottles you see in diners,
really) as a gift. She uses them to apply the ketchup or mustard to the
mini-burger holes. Apparently you can only have one or the other. Before
skipping out to commercial, she threatens us with a "*** night" casino
tablescape and then eats one of the mini-burgers like a sword swallower.

When we return from commercial, SLop starts putting her chips into the oil,
advising us the oil is hot enough when it bubbles and fizzes. She adds that
adding too many chips will actually reduce the heat of the oil. She nukes half
a stick of butter for the mini pot pies, then removes the chip from the oil
and sing-songs "Gorrrrrgeous!" as she sets it on top of her previously cooked
and drained sweet potato chips. She turns off the burner to the oil so there's
"no more hot oil on the stove" and begins to work on the pie filling. She
mixes chicken stock and thawed mixed veggies, which are just as good as fresh
because they were flash-frozen, then takes a big can o chicken and uses a
strainer and bowl to strain the "juice" out. Wouldn't it be easier to just
decant it from the can over the sink? Anyway, she adds the chicken and her
"secret" ingredient, cream o celery soup in a disguised can she lifted from
Rachel Ray's show. The bitch could have at least grabbed one that matches her
decor! She stirs the mix a little and puts a lid on it to heat through, then
with a "Whoot!", retrieves the butter from the oven and grabs some phillo,
warning us that it's fragile, so we don't want to rip it. In order to keep the
phillo moist, she retrieves some single sheets of paper towels she
pre-seperated and stacked in a drawer and moistens it to keep the dough from
drying out. Who the hell separates his paper towels and stacks them up in a
drawer? She says we only need five sheets of the dough but says that we don't
need to count them so six are fine. She covers them with a damp paper towel,
then uses a cookie cutter as a guide to cut squares with a knife. Wouldn't it
be easier to just cut them with the cookie cutter or use a pizza cutter to
make strips? As she leans over to cut the dough, the gap in her shirt widens
ominously. She tells us to keep the dough cool so it cuts as nicely as hers,
but we never see the actual cut dough. The filling is ready, so she gives it a
final stir and fills the expresso cups with 2.5 or 3 spoonfuls per cup, adding
to be sure they are oven safe. She tells us not to worry if it dribbles down
the sides; that'll just make it look even more homemade. She peels back the
dough and places the cut-outs onto the cups, claiming "Everyone's going to dig
into them". She brushes them with melted butter to help them brown and pops
them into the oven for a quick couple minutes at 375. Before we head out to
commercial, she gets excited about showing us her "partyscape" which she calls
"casinoland". Oh joy.

We return from commercial with SLop walking in munching on her poker chips and
trying to convince us they are "AWESOME!". I don't believe it for a
nano-second. She takes the pot pies out of oven to cool a bit and mentions
that during the commercial she toasted some almonds. From the other room. She
pulls out a baking sheep almost overflowing with almonds and tells us that
"toasting your nuts always brings out the flavor!". Hee! She dumps a boxed
lemon cake (looks like a bag of cake mix to me) into a red KA mixer and
reserves some of the mix for her stupid flour-in-the-pan trick, which NEVER
made any sense to me because she's going to frost the damn cake anyway so who
cares WHAT it looks like when you remove it from the baking pan?!?! Anyhow,
for those who care, she dumps a lot of oil in the pan, spreads it with a paper
towel, dumps the cake mix in, and then coats the pan with the mix, shaking the
extra into the mixer. She "embellishes" the cake mix with some lemon extract
and other ingredients. She turns on the blender and there's this weird edit
which makes me think cake mix flew all over the place because she started the
mixer on the highest setting.

When it's finished, she gives it a final stir to make sure it's mixed and says
that with all these special ingredients you are surely to get credit for
making a homemade cake. She produces a pair of finished cakes and evens off
the top with a knife, setting the top aside to munch on later. She places the
cake, cut side down, onto a cake stand (why she inverted it escapes me) for
frosting. She takes a tub of label less frosting and adds lemon extract so you
cant tell it came from a can. Yeah, right. She frosts the cake (which has
strange grill-markings on it), then puts the other cake on top and frosts the
whole thing. As she struggles with the frosting, she attempts to divert our
attention by telling us about how she made the
black-fabric-with-cards-superglued-to-it window treatment. She coats the cake
with almond and coconut for a Hickory Farms cheese ball look and builds a mini
house of cards atop the cake. Before we head to commercial, SLop walks off
while shoveling a heaping spoonful (that's HALF the cup!) of the pot pie into
her mouth while rolling her eyes.

We return from commercial with the "Sandra's Cocktail Time!" graphic in the
corner and SLop announces her "Queen of Hearts" cocktail will get "everyone
rolling the dice!", whatever THAT means. I guess it's her way of saying her
drinks are dicey. She mixes several juices and raspberry vodka, topped with a
splash of Compari, an Italian aperitif, and then shows us her great martini
glasses with stems shaped like d6's. All that's missing from this scene are
some fuzzy dice hanging from the pantry. She grabs a couple cocktails and
walks them to her "fun" tablescape. OMG! You'd have to SEE this to fully
comprehend it, but it looks a casino was picked up by a tornado and then
dropped onto SLop's dinning room! There's a potted plant in the middle of the
table with cards glued to it in a terra cotta pot with poker chips glued to it
and cards glued to every vertical space in the room. The table has the cheesey
tablecloth she showed us in the begining, but there's so much crap on it you
can't see the markings anymore. Anyhow, SLop says that "nothing says 'casino
or poker night' like THIS table". There is so much crap cluttering the table
that there's no room to play cards, unless you use the ones glued to your
chair and side of the table. She maniacally tells us how she made her
centerpiece, which is odd, because at the beginning of the show she it was a
stack of glued-together cards. She directs our attention to her buffet, and
relegated to the back corner is her big-ass house of cards! Poor thing. She
then shows us an inexpensive parking lot circus style popcorn machine she
bought that she's going to use over and over and then starts gushing about how
she glued cards to the back of her chairs, but I'm not paying attention now
because I'm counting the seconds left in the show. Soon enough, she gives her
closing lines, waves with both hands, and exits stage left.


--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.