This is slightly off topic, but I've seen you guys discuss manners here
before, and I know many of you also entertain, so I want your opinions. In a
nutshell: people who expect to drop in at a party or cancel at the last minute
drive me NUTS.
Case in point 1: I've been married twice, and planned my own lovely
weddings both times. Although both were relatively small, I hired caterers, so
sent RSVP's with the invitations in order to have a firm headcount. Both times
I had people who showed up after not sending an RSVP, and people who RSVP'ed in
the affirmative but didn't show up. (And no, they didn't balance out.)
After the first time (seeing a few $30 plates of food go to waste), I
thought I'd get smart. I did the second wedding buffet-style and had 23
positive RSVP's so I told the caterer that the headcount was 27. So it was
quite embarrassing when the last few people turned away from the buffet table
and realized that all the tables were full: no more chairs or cutlery! I
discovered that all 30 people we'd invited showed up.
Case in point 2: After the "event coordinator" for a social club I
belong to suddenly quit, I stepped into the job. Mostly it's fine. But there
are a few people who expect to be able to come to our events with *hours*
notice or to cancel the same way. It seems like no matter how much I politely
tell people that we need to have headcounts to calculate food quantity, chairs,
canoes, etc, there are those who just don't get it. We had one canoe trip
where a lady showed up with hours notice but I wasn't warned, and we found
ourselves short one canoe and life vest.
I expressed my annoyance, privately to the club board, and they
made it seem like I was just a fussy stink-pot. Actually I just tried to
politely remind them that I needed *advance notice*, and that I felt we owed
one man a refund because he was relegated to 3rd wheel status in a canoe with a
couple. (Two man canoes, and everybody pays for half a canoe.)
This week I got an email from a lady about a trip this coming weekend.
She said she might not be able to come, and would that be a problem. I wrote
back saying "wow, I didn't know you were coming because I never got your signup
email, so the answer is no it's not a problem". (True, I was having spam
filter problems at the time and never got her request.) She wrote back and
said she's not cancelling, she just wanted to know if it was a problem IF she
cancelled. WTF? Make up your mind?
At any rate, am I the only person who feels embarrassed when my guests
are shorted food or equipment because of logistic errors? Even my club-mates
who don't have such bad manners seem to take other's bad manners in stride and
don't seem at all bothered. I had to *convince* the board that we owed that
man a refund. Is it just me?

- Sharon
"Gravity... is a harsh mistress!"

Sharon wrote:
> This is slightly off topic, but I've seen you guys discuss manners here
> before, and I know many of you also entertain, so I want your opinions. In a
> nutshell: people who expect to drop in at a party or cancel at the last minute
> drive me NUTS.
<snip>

I think you are perfectly justified at being miffed. That being said,
I would add caveats to the invitations to these affairs that deadline
for RVSP is X date, and due to accountability to service providers,
there will be no exceptions and no refunds.

The only problem we had at our wedding is one person who couldn't make
up her mind (despite me being very clear about *why* we needed to
know.). We ended up just sucking up her expense and counted her and
her DH in - she showed up alone, so we only paid for one extra dinner
that wasn't used. It was still pretty annoying, since we were paying
for her hotel as well - seems like people could RVSP when asked. Had
she not showed up, we would have been out a few hundred for the hotel,
too.

-L.

"Sharon" > wrote in message
...
> This is slightly off topic, but I've seen you guys discuss manners here
> before, and I know many of you also entertain, so I want your opinions.
In a
> nutshell: people who expect to drop in at a party or cancel at the last
minute
> drive me NUTS.
> Case in point 1: I've been married twice, and planned my own lovely
> weddings both times. Although both were relatively small, I hired
caterers, so
> sent RSVP's with the invitations in order to have a firm headcount. Both
times
> I had people who showed up after not sending an RSVP, and people who
RSVP'ed in
> the affirmative but didn't show up. (And no, they didn't balance out.)
> After the first time (seeing a few $30 plates of food go to waste), I
> thought I'd get smart. I did the second wedding buffet-style and had 23
> positive RSVP's so I told the caterer that the headcount was 27. So it
was
> quite embarrassing when the last few people turned away from the buffet
table
> and realized that all the tables were full: no more chairs or cutlery! I
> discovered that all 30 people we'd invited showed up.
> Case in point 2: After the "event coordinator" for a social club I
> belong to suddenly quit, I stepped into the job. Mostly it's fine. But
there
> are a few people who expect to be able to come to our events with *hours*
> notice or to cancel the same way. It seems like no matter how much I
politely
> tell people that we need to have headcounts to calculate food quantity,
chairs,
> canoes, etc, there are those who just don't get it. We had one canoe trip
> where a lady showed up with hours notice but I wasn't warned, and we found
> ourselves short one canoe and life vest.
> I expressed my annoyance, privately to the club board, and they
> made it seem like I was just a fussy stink-pot. Actually I just tried to
> politely remind them that I needed *advance notice*, and that I felt we
owed
> one man a refund because he was relegated to 3rd wheel status in a canoe
with a
> couple. (Two man canoes, and everybody pays for half a canoe.)
> This week I got an email from a lady about a trip this coming weekend.
> She said she might not be able to come, and would that be a problem. I
wrote
> back saying "wow, I didn't know you were coming because I never got your
signup
> email, so the answer is no it's not a problem". (True, I was having spam
> filter problems at the time and never got her request.) She wrote back
and
> said she's not cancelling, she just wanted to know if it was a problem IF
she
> cancelled. WTF? Make up your mind?
> At any rate, am I the only person who feels embarrassed when my guests
> are shorted food or equipment because of logistic errors? Even my
club-mates
> who don't have such bad manners seem to take other's bad manners in stride
and
> don't seem at all bothered. I had to *convince* the board that we owed
that
> man a refund. Is it just me?
>
> - Sharon
> "Gravity... is a harsh mistress!"
===
That is very funny; love the part about the lady calling asking if it would
it be a problem if she cancelled. And she wasn't even calling to cancel, but
wanted to know if she did, would it be a problem, and you didn't even know
she was coming.
I guess those things are always going to happen and happen to everyone. Not
everyone, for one reason or another, responds to RSVP invitations. It is
annoying, but knowing this happens, I always make certain I always have
extra everything; better to err on the side of more than less.

Sharon wrote:

> Case in point 2: After the "event coordinator" for a social club I
> belong to suddenly quit,

Do you wonder why? :0

> At any rate, am I the only person who feels embarrassed when my guests
> are shorted food or equipment because of logistic errors?

It can be a stinker when things don't go as planned, but maybe you need
to loosen up the must-have-control feeling? Some people are flakier
than others, and there's no reasonable way to make people act the way
you want, even if what you want is the adult and responsible thing to
do. If you really want to cut down on flakitude, invite fewer people or
invite only the ones who respond seriously. In my world, people aren't
flaky to **** me off - they're just flaky. They have kids, illnesses,
whatever, and attending my party isn't as high a priority.

If I may suggest a few "solutions" to this problem -

1) Don't do this job anymore. You don't seem to be enjoying it at all.
Hand it off, if you can bear to watch someone else struggle with this
problem.

2) Next time, send notes to or phone the ones who didn't RSVP and let
them know that you've categorized them as not attending. Acknowledge
all who did RSVP and confirm their presence/absence. Set the RSVP date
early enough in advance that people who change their mind later can be
accomodated. (When I organized my wedding, I set the RSVP date to be 3
wks before I had to give the final head count to the food people. I
waited until a week after the RSVP date and began calling the ones who
didn't respond. The few people who forgot to reply were very good
natured about hearing from me, and I called to socialize and oh by the
way, are you coming to the wedding, etc.)

3) Order more food than you think you'll need. It's part of the
expenses, just like a rental fee or a photographer. You've gotta have
room in the party budget for throwaway food. If people are paying to
attend (ie, it's not a wedding, it's a fundraiser), raise the cost per
head (instead of $30/person, make it $32 or whatever, depending on how
many generally don't show). Just like a bakery has to throw away bread
every night, they factor that cost into what they charge for the bread
they do sell.

Hope this give you some ideas,
June

wrote:
> Sharon wrote:
>
>
>> Case in point 2: After the "event coordinator" for a social club I
>>belong to suddenly quit,
>
>
> Do you wonder why? :0
>
>
>> At any rate, am I the only person who feels embarrassed when my guests
>>are shorted food or equipment because of logistic errors?
>
>
> It can be a stinker when things don't go as planned, but maybe you need
> to loosen up the must-have-control feeling?


What would you do under these circumstances? You invited three other
couples for dinner and Bridge. You prepared a nice dinner for eight,
chopped liver with black radish slices, consommé with Fridatten,
roasted duck with bread dumplings and red cabbage, beer or wine or
water with lemon slices, dessert, cheese, fruit, you know, the whole deal.

The table was set with the little chopped liver plates waiting on each
place mat, soon to be consumed by the hungry guests. The four
ducklings were out of the oven, cut into halves and resting on
individual dinner plates, while the dumplings and red cabbage were
still on the stove.

Six of us were in the living room, waiting for the last couple. The
doorman called from downstairs, announcing "guests"

I went to open the door and nearly fainted. Instead of the couple I
expected, four people were coming into my apartment.

"My cousins are in town", said the invited woman "and we thought it
would be nice if they came with us". I was holding on to the doorknob
for dear life, not wanting to collapse on the floor.

The woman continued, "I knew you would not mind".

Well, I did mind. The table was set for eight. There was barely
enough room for that many. There was no extra chopped liver, I had
made it from the duck livers and there was just enough for eight
portions. I had only the eight pieces of duckling, each just enough
for one person, not enough for more. If everything had not been on
plates, I might have been able to manage, but there was nothing I
could do or say.

We crammed two more chairs and settings around and on the table.
Erich and I gave our dinners to the uninvited guests.

There was enough soup. There was enough dessert. While the rest
played Bridge after dinner, Erich and I cleaned up, washed dishes and
scrounged for more food for ourselves.

There was no apology from the invited couple. No "thank you" from the
uninvited couple. We never invited either couple again, but I feel to
this day, that there should have been something I could have done.

How would you have handled this?

Sharon wrote:

>
> At any rate, am I the only person who feels embarrassed when my guests
> are shorted food or equipment because of logistic errors? Even my club-mates
> who don't have such bad manners seem to take other's bad manners in stride and
> don't seem at all bothered. I had to *convince* the board that we owed that
> man a refund. Is it just me?

Isn't it sad that it has become so common that those people aren't bothered by it.
My mother is a little upset with my brothers this week. We were all invited to an
aunt's 80th birthday party to be held next weekend. It is a 2-3 hour drive each way
for us. I was the one who got the invitation and was asked to call the rest and get
back to them. My mother definitely wanted to go and my oldest brother wanted to
go. The other two brothers said no. So I got back to my cousin and told here that
5 of us were coming. Meanwhile, the oldest brother decided that he wasn't going to
go, then he was. Apparently I was supposed to call him about the details. When I
called he said they weren't going. They have a great excuse. Someone ( I don't
know who) is going to a wedding and they are going to be baby-sitting that person's
daughter. Then I found out that the other two brothers are going. One has not
called to confirm that he is going, and I really doubt that the one who is backing
out has called to cancel. And I am not doing it for him. I am not going to call
and make excuses for my brother. He is old enough to do that himself.

Maybe people should get into the habit of having someone man the door at these
occasions and only admit those who have been invited and sent acceptances. It
wouldn't bother me because I RSVP and show up. People who don't have the common
courtesy to reply with an acceptance and to show up should not be included at
formal events.

In article .com>, " > writes:
>
> It can be a stinker when things don't go as planned, but maybe you need
> to loosen up the must-have-control feeling? Some people are flakier
> than others, and there's no reasonable way to make people act the way
> you want, even if what you want is the adult and responsible thing to
> do. If you really want to cut down on flakitude, invite fewer people or
> invite only the ones who respond seriously. In my world, people aren't
> flaky to **** me off - they're just flaky. They have kids, illnesses,
> whatever, and attending my party isn't as high a priority.

I understand, and I really try not to be a control-freak. If you'll
look back, you'll see that at my second wedding, I did order extra stuff from
the caterer. But "they tricked me" and I still ended up short.
I'm really pretty laid back, this is the only peeve I have on event
planning. You should see the instructions the old coordinator printed up to
"help" assistants set out food. It included "Step 5. Slice cakes or brownies
with the knife." followed by "Step 6. Wipe the knife with a paper napkin and
throw the napkin in the trash." (Um, duh?)
I just like to make sure that everybody enjoys themselves, and am
embarrassed when they don't because everybody knows I was in charge. For
example, when the people at the buffet stood there with no chairs or silver,
they looked at me like "what gives?". People who saw that also looked at me
like "oops, you screwed up!"

> 1) Don't do this job anymore. You don't seem to be enjoying it at all.
> Hand it off, if you can bear to watch someone else struggle with this
> problem.

Yep, I plan to turn the job over to someone else at our November
elections. I can't do it yet because it would further confuse our club members
(and vendors) after they've already been confused by the original lady
quitting. We have yearly elections for the board member positions of which
this is one, and although some people might not feel obligated to ride out
the term, I definitely do!

> 2) Next time, send notes to or phone the ones who didn't RSVP and let
> them know that you've categorized them as not attending. Acknowledge
> all who did RSVP and confirm their presence/absence. Set the RSVP date
> early enough in advance that people who change their mind later can be
> accomodated. (When I organized my wedding, I set the RSVP date to be 3
> wks before I had to give the final head count to the food people. I
> waited until a week after the RSVP date and began calling the ones who
> didn't respond. The few people who forgot to reply were very good
> natured about hearing from me, and I called to socialize and oh by the
> way, are you coming to the wedding, etc.)

That's a good idea. In the context of the club, I'm going to make a
stock email acknowledgement that states our cancellation policy. I always send
an email to acknowledge a request to sign up for an event, but it didn't
include this information.
(Similarly, my DH pointed out that the reason people assume that I get
their email requests whether I reply or not was that the previous coordinator
never acknowledged their requests. Thus it took a few weeks to discover the
spam filter problem, and it was VERY embarrassing for me. It happened
immediately after I took over as coordinator!)

> 3) Order more food than you think you'll need. It's part of the
> expenses, just like a rental fee or a photographer. You've gotta have
> room in the party budget for throwaway food. If people are paying to
> attend (ie, it's not a wedding, it's a fundraiser), raise the cost per
> head (instead of $30/person, make it $32 or whatever, depending on how
> many generally don't show). Just like a bakery has to throw away bread
> every night, they factor that cost into what they charge for the bread
> they do sell.

As mentioned above, I do order more food and equipment. Our club also
has a policy that once you sign up for an event, you still have to pay for it
even if you cancel. The problem is that nobody on the board wants to be the
bad guy and enforce that rule. And price increases are very touchy with us
because we've had members quit the club over a $3 price increase!

- Sharon
"Gravity... is a harsh mistress!"

Margaret Suran, after taking an infinite amount of time, finally, on 06 Sep
2006, typed out:

> There was no apology from the invited couple. No "thank you" from the
> uninvited couple. We never invited either couple again, but I feel to
> this day, that there should have been something I could have done.
>
> How would you have handled this?


Margaret,

Some folks just walk around breathing their own airs!

But now that you mention it... do you take reservations?

All the best,

Andy

Sharon wrote:


> At any rate, am I the only person who feels embarrassed when my guests
> are shorted food or equipment because of logistic errors? Even my club-mates
> who don't have such bad manners seem to take other's bad manners in stride and
> don't seem at all bothered. I had to *convince* the board that we owed that
> man a refund. Is it just me?
>
> - Sharon
> "Gravity... is a harsh mistress!"

An "error" is one thing, bad manners another. Back when i used to
entertain formally, i was very strict about confirming r.s.v.p's and
instructed the staff to turn away any one not expected. On more than one
occasion i called to confirm an invitation i had not heard back about
only to find the invitation had never been received, that was easily
remedied, but since then i have always made sure to find out if the
invitations were received.

This was only a problem 2 or 3 rimes after i moved from New York to
California, after a few terse words were exchanged over the exact
wording of invitations and an insistence on punctuality by moi those
people who i genuinely cared about fell in line or excused themselves
from the proffered invitation.

One time, in California, when i had specified 'black tie' a dear friend
showed up in jeans with a tie dyed t shirt and a 'black tie' over the t
shirt. Fortunately he showed up early and is my size so i was able to
convince him to change into something from my own wardrobe.

Took me a few years to get over my own fetish about the proper clothing
for a formal meal. Now a days im a lot more casual.

And for more casual affairs i do not mind an unannounced "drop in"
attendee or some one not showing up whom i had expected.

The last party i accidentally hosted was last July 4th weekend, a few
people dropped by asking me what i was doing that day & one thing led to
another and before long we had the grill set up in the back yard and a
good time was had by all, with no planning or preparation it was one of
the nicest parties i have ever hosted.

I am beginning to think these 'impromptu" gatherings are better, easier
and more fun than kept a mere supervisory eye on them and concentrated
my primary efforts on the guest list.
---
JL

Margaret Suran wrote:
> "My cousins are in town", said the invited woman "and we thought it
> would be nice if they came with us". I was holding on to the doorknob
> for dear life, not wanting to collapse on the floor.
>
> The woman continued, "I knew you would not mind".

Well, she clearly didn't know you as well as she thought and/or she
didn't understand the effort that had gone into the preparation of
dinner.

I think I might have said something like, "Gosh, I had no idea your
cousins were coming! I'm glad to have you, but I only prepared food for
8! What should we do for dinner for your cousins? What do you think of
a pizza?! Tsk tsk, Invited Woman, you should have told me they were
coming! Welcome, let me take your coats. Cousins, are you better bridge
players than Invited Woman?"

See, but I entertain very rarely, and I'd only invite really good
friends over who would not surprise me, and if they did, they'd be
really good friends to be invited in the first place, so I'd probably
like their cousins, too, and I'm really unlikely to be preparing that
kind of formal meal, etc etc etc, so it's hard for me to step in your
shoes, y'know?

I'm also pretty inexperienced as a hostess of a formal party - the only
one I've ever pulled off was a wedding with <100 guests. No unexpected
guests turned up, and the only mildly unpleasant part of the entire
event was trying to figure out whether the photographer I'd hired was
actually going to come (he never returned phone calls).

What do you feel is your obligation as the hostess?

> Erich and I gave our dinners to the uninvited guests.

I think that was very kind of you.

> There was no apology from the invited couple. No "thank you" from the
> uninvited couple.

That is poor manners on their part. No question. (I mean, it was
already poor manners to show up with extra uninvited guests, but this
is insult on top of injury.) I understand why you never want to invite
them over again!

June

In article >,
Dave Smith > wrote:
> Isn't it sad that it has become so common that those people aren't
> bothered by it. My mother is a little upset with my brothers this
> week. We were all invited to an aunt's 80th birthday party to be held
> next weekend. It is a 2-3 hour drive each way for us. I was the one
> who got the invitation and was asked to call the rest and get back to
> them. My mother definitely wanted to go and my oldest brother wanted
> to go. The other two brothers said no. So I got back to my cousin
> and told here that 5 of us were coming. Meanwhile, the oldest brother
> decided that he wasn't going to go, then he was. Apparently I was
> supposed to call him about the details. When I called he said they
> weren't going. They have a great excuse. Someone ( I don't know who)
> is going to a wedding and they are going to be baby-sitting that
> person's daughter. Then I found out that the other two brothers are
> going. One has not called to confirm that he is going, and I really
> doubt that the one who is backing out has called to cancel. And I am
> not doing it for him. I am not going to call and make excuses for my
> brother. He is old enough to do that himself.

I have been asked to extend invitations to my adult children (as it
sounds like you were above - the adult part, anyway). I provide the
host with contact information and tell them that I do not wish to be
involved in the invitation. It ain't my party and I refuse to be put
into the middle of the invitation and acceptance process. I refuse.

I don't accept or acknowledge second hand invitations. My SIL's
relatives have invited us to their family events and I ask Beck (the
appointed messenger) to have the host contact me directly. They're
quite willing to do it - it seems to be a matter of not having contact
info,
--
-Barb, Mother Superior, HOSSSPoJ
http://web.mac.com/barbschaller
http://jamlady.eboard.com

Sharon wrote:
<snip see op>
> "Gravity... is a harsh mistress!"

you could create a dynamic web page where people can SIGN UP AND PAY
FOR THE EVENT with credit or debit card

then you have the money in hand, not to mention an accurate head count

no pay no play!
simple

all you need is a merchant account, or a paypal account
let ea person pay their own paypal fees..

For Example: if the cost is $30.00 per head, then each person would pay
$31.50 or thereabout (that covers your paypal fee for recieving money)

WHERE IS THIS ALLEGED BOAT RIDE

CAN WE GO? IS IT ANY FUN? HOW IS THE FOOD? WILL THERE BE NAKED WOMEN
DANCING?

In article . net>,
Margaret Suran > wrote:

> wrote:
> > Sharon wrote:
> >
> >
> >> Case in point 2: After the "event coordinator" for a social club I
> >>belong to suddenly quit,
> >
> >
> > Do you wonder why? :0
> >
> >
> >> At any rate, am I the only person who feels embarrassed when my guests
> >>are shorted food or equipment because of logistic errors?
> >
> >
> > It can be a stinker when things don't go as planned, but maybe you need
> > to loosen up the must-have-control feeling?
>
>
> What would you do under these circumstances? You invited three other
> couples for dinner and Bridge. You prepared a nice dinner for eight,
> chopped liver with black radish slices, consommé with Fridatten,
> roasted duck with bread dumplings and red cabbage, beer or wine or
> water with lemon slices, dessert, cheese, fruit, you know, the whole deal.
>
> The table was set with the little chopped liver plates waiting on each
> place mat, soon to be consumed by the hungry guests. The four
> ducklings were out of the oven, cut into halves and resting on
> individual dinner plates, while the dumplings and red cabbage were
> still on the stove.
>
> Six of us were in the living room, waiting for the last couple. The
> doorman called from downstairs, announcing "guests"
>
> I went to open the door and nearly fainted. Instead of the couple I
> expected, four people were coming into my apartment.
>
> "My cousins are in town", said the invited woman "and we thought it
> would be nice if they came with us". I was holding on to the doorknob
> for dear life, not wanting to collapse on the floor.
>
> The woman continued, "I knew you would not mind".
>
> Well, I did mind. The table was set for eight. There was barely
> enough room for that many. There was no extra chopped liver, I had
> made it from the duck livers and there was just enough for eight
> portions. I had only the eight pieces of duckling, each just enough
> for one person, not enough for more. If everything had not been on
> plates, I might have been able to manage, but there was nothing I
> could do or say.
>
> We crammed two more chairs and settings around and on the table.
> Erich and I gave our dinners to the uninvited guests.
>
> There was enough soup. There was enough dessert. While the rest
> played Bridge after dinner, Erich and I cleaned up, washed dishes and
> scrounged for more food for ourselves.
>
> There was no apology from the invited couple. No "thank you" from the
> uninvited couple. We never invited either couple again, but I feel to
> this day, that there should have been something I could have done.
>
> How would you have handled this?

As you did.
I would have liked, however, to offer the extras hard chairs on the
balcony to amuse themselves with the sunset while the rest of us enjoyed
our meal. Fantasy.

A good example of chutzpha, nu?
--
-Barb, Mother Superior, HOSSSPoJ
http://web.mac.com/barbschaller
http://jamlady.eboard.com

Joseph Littleshoes wrote:

> Sharon wrote:
>
>
>> At any rate, am I the only person who feels embarrassed when my
>> guests are shorted food or equipment because of logistic errors? Even
>> my club-mates who don't have such bad manners seem to take other's bad
>> manners in stride and don't seem at all bothered. I had to *convince*
>> the board that we owed that man a refund. Is it just me?
>>
>> - Sharon
>> "Gravity... is a harsh mistress!"
>
>
> An "error" is one thing, bad manners another. Back when i used to
> entertain formally, i was very strict about confirming r.s.v.p's and
> instructed the staff to turn away any one not expected. On more than one
> occasion i called to confirm an invitation i had not heard back about
> only to find the invitation had never been received, that was easily
> remedied, but since then i have always made sure to find out if the
> invitations were received.
>
> This was only a problem 2 or 3 rimes after i moved from New York to
> California, after a few terse words were exchanged over the exact
> wording of invitations and an insistence on punctuality by moi those
> people who i genuinely cared about fell in line or excused themselves
> from the proffered invitation.
>
> One time, in California, when i had specified 'black tie' a dear friend
> showed up in jeans with a tie dyed t shirt and a 'black tie' over the t
> shirt. Fortunately he showed up early and is my size so i was able to
> convince him to change into something from my own wardrobe.
>
> Took me a few years to get over my own fetish about the proper clothing
> for a formal meal. Now a days im a lot more casual.
>
> And for more casual affairs i do not mind an unannounced "drop in"
> attendee or some one not showing up whom i had expected.
>
> The last party i accidentally hosted was last July 4th weekend, a few
> people dropped by asking me what i was doing that day & one thing led to
> another and before long we had the grill set up in the back yard and a
> good time was had by all, with no planning or preparation it was one of
> the nicest parties i have ever hosted.
>
> I am beginning to think these 'impromptu" gatherings are better, easier
> and more fun than

something i had planned and prepared weeks or months for.

the few banquets i have been responsible for i hired caterers and

> kept a mere supervisory eye on them and concentrated
> my primary efforts on the guest list.
> ---
> JL

Sharon wrote:
> look back, you'll see that at my second wedding, I did order extra stuff from
> the caterer. But "they tricked me" and I still ended up short.

Yeah, sometimes the best-laid plans... It happens. But they're your
friends, it's your wedding, everyone's glad to be there and celebrate a
joyous event, right? What's a little food shortage among friends?

> "help" assistants set out food. It included "Step 5. Slice cakes or brownies
> with the knife." followed by "Step 6. Wipe the knife with a paper napkin and
> throw the napkin in the trash." (Um, duh?)

LOL. That's like the warning on the peanut bag that says you have to
remove the shells before eating the nuts!

> I just like to make sure that everybody enjoys themselves, and am
> embarrassed when they don't because everybody knows I was in charge.

Do you have the option of a committee? As a grad student, I helped
coordinate more large-scale barbecues and parties than I care to
remember (avg attendance >120), but it was all carried out by a group
of students. Helps to share the blame/credit.

> For example, when the people at the buffet stood there with no chairs or silver,
> they looked at me like "what gives?". People who saw that also looked at me
> like "oops, you screwed up!"

Oof. A year before I started grad school, the dept had a bbq where they
ran out of food by a large margin. I think it was really demoralizing
for the committee, people were still talking about the mishap a year
later! I guess after that event, we always overcompensated - always
ended up with far more food (and beer!) than we needed. The local soup
kitchens benefited with every event we had.

It sounds like a difficult situation - that expecations are uniformly
high, but attendees are not uniformly responsible. :\

> That's a good idea. In the context of the club, I'm going to make a
> stock email acknowledgement that states our cancellation policy.

And that is totally reasonable. Clear communication will avert many
(though prolly not all!) tangles.

> even if you cancel. The problem is that nobody on the board wants to be the
> bad guy and enforce that rule.

And that puts the coordinator in the position of being The Bitch, I
take it? The club board needs to take this issue seriously. I recently
attended a seminar about negotation, and one of the things they kept
emphasizing was to pitch your arguments in the currency that the
listener values. Any organization that wants to remain viable for the
long term needs to be fiscally responsible. Do you have a Treasurer
that you could coordinate with? Could the pair of you discuss this with
board members and frame it, for example, as a general financial
viability issue instead of a social event issue? I'm just tossing ideas
out, I have no idea what the club (or club culture) is like, obviously.


> And price increases are very touchy with us
> because we've had members quit the club over a $3 price increase!

Oy.

-j.

Margaret Suran wrote:
>
> There was no apology from the invited couple. No "thank you" from the
> uninvited couple. We never invited either couple again, but I feel to
> this day, that there should have been something I could have done.

There was, and you did it. You were a gracious host and should be
commended - for that and for learning the lesson of not inviting them
again.

>
> How would you have handled this?

Probably not as well as you did...but I tend to host buffet-style
unless it is just us and another couple, and even then I usually make
enough food for 10...

-L.

Michael Dog3 Lonergan wrote:
> " >
> oups.com:
>
> >
> > I think I might have said something like, "Gosh, I had no idea your
> > cousins were coming! I'm glad to have you, but I only prepared food for
> > 8! What should we do for dinner for your cousins? What do you think of
> > a pizza?! Tsk tsk, Invited Woman, you should have told me they were
> > coming! Welcome, let me take your coats. Cousins, are you better bridge
> > players than Invited Woman?"
>
> Ohhh... you've got a mean streak. I like that

Mean?

*blink blink*

Me?

-j.

"Margaret Suran" > wrote

> Well, I did mind. The table was set for eight. There was barely enough
> room for that many. There was no extra chopped liver, I had made it from
> the duck livers and there was just enough for eight portions. I had only
> the eight pieces of duckling, each just enough for one person, not enough
> for more. If everything had not been on plates, I might have been able to
> manage, but there was nothing I could do or say.
>
> We crammed two more chairs and settings around and on the table. Erich and
> I gave our dinners to the uninvited guests.

This is where there is no room for understanding. How on earth
could they not notice that you wound up not having the same dinner
as everyone else. You could not miss that if you showed up that way.
You would have to think, we are extras, or, we invited extras, I hope
there is enough food. This was not a buffet.

> There was enough soup. There was enough dessert. While the rest played
> Bridge after dinner, Erich and I cleaned up, washed dishes and scrounged
> for more food for ourselves.

And they even played bridge in your place. I'm getting annoyed
just thinking about it. Bridge. If you play, you know it is tables of 4.

> There was no apology from the invited couple. No "thank you" from the
> uninvited couple. We never invited either couple again, but I feel to
> this day, that there should have been something I could have done.
>
> How would you have handled this?

You are such a kind person, I bet they really did think you wouldn't mind
if they walked all over you. I'm just happy you cut them off your invite
list.

nancy

Melba's Jammin' wrote:
> >
> > How would you have handled this?
>
> As you did.
> I would have liked, however, to offer the extras hard chairs on the
> balcony to amuse themselves with the sunset while the rest of us enjoyed
> our meal. Fantasy.
>
> A good example of chutzpha, nu?

I would have liked to offer such chairs to the people who brought the
uninvited guests.


Dean G.

Nancy Young wrote:

> You are such a kind person, I bet they really did think you wouldn't mind
> if they walked all over you. I'm just happy you cut them off your invite
> list.

I would dream about being a mouse on the wall when they later discussed
their huge faux pas (and being *my* fantasy, they would!) and their
remorse. Then (again my fantasy) they'd have sent Margaret some huge
bouquet or something the next day with their note of apology.

Pffft! People no longer have ANY manners, apparently.

When I was about ten, I was invited to a birthday dinner at a
restaurant with a friend's family. There were six other child-guests.
Throughout the dinner, I spoke politely to the parents as well as the
child guest of honor; I said "please" and "thank you" to the waitstaff;
I folded my napkin in my lap; I wiped my mouth with my napkin. All in
all, I behaved as I was brought up. The other kids, however, were
completely clueless and acted accordingly. The hosting parents
commented repeatedly on my excellent table manners, and frowned
repeatedly at the other children who wiped their mouths on their
sleeves, drank soup directly from their bowls, shoved food in theitr
mouths like they were starving, etc. This was thirty-odd years ago.

As far as guests not showing...when my husband and I married ten years
ago, we sent out invites clearly stating to RSVP. I made it clear to
all who were invited to the reception that we really needed a head
count, because I was doing the catering myself, and we were on a tight
budget and needed actual numbers. We invited 70 people; 12 actually
showed. I ended up with an entire multi-tier wedding cake, four huge
platters of cold cuts, and large amounts of other leftovers -- not to
mention the fact that we wasted all that money. Not ONE of the people
who had said they'd show and then didn't bother even called at the last
minute. Not one of them even contacted us later to apologize.

It never ceases to amaze me how rude people are these days.

~Eri in TX

"Sharon" > wrote

> Case in point 1: I've been married twice, and planned my own lovely
> weddings both times.

Speaking of weddings, once in a while I catch this show, Who's
Wedding is it, Anyway. Good for a laugh sometimes.

In some cultures, apparently, the idea that you might need to
let people know you were coming is an unfamiliar one. You just
brace yourself, no idea who's going to show up. One guy decided
he would charge the surprise guests. One woman, get this: her
mother made copies of her wedding invitation and handed them out
like candy to everyone she knew. Thanks, mom. I forget what
nationality that was. Funny. But not for the couple.

nancy

Oh pshaw, on Wed 06 Sep 2006 02:14:19p, Michael "Dog3" Lonergan meant to
say...

> Margaret Suran >
> ink.net:
>
> <some snipage for space>
>
>>
>> The table was set with the little chopped liver plates waiting on each
>> place mat, soon to be consumed by the hungry guests. The four
>> ducklings were out of the oven, cut into halves and resting on
>> individual dinner plates, while the dumplings and red cabbage were
>> still on the stove.
>>
>> Six of us were in the living room, waiting for the last couple. The
>> doorman called from downstairs, announcing "guests"
>>
>> I went to open the door and nearly fainted. Instead of the couple I
>> expected, four people were coming into my apartment.
>>
>> "My cousins are in town", said the invited woman "and we thought it
>> would be nice if they came with us".
>
>>
>> The woman continued, "I knew you would not mind".
>>
>> Well, I did mind.
>
> You were entitled to mind. Taking uninvited guests to someone's home
> knowing dinner was being served is extremely rude IMO. Another
> invitation to the invited couple would not be extended in the future.
>
>
>> The table was set for eight. There was barely
>> enough room for that many. There was no extra chopped liver, I had
>> made it from the duck livers and there was just enough for eight
>> portions. I had only the eight pieces of duckling, each just enough
>> for one person, not enough for more. If everything had not been on
>> plates, I might have been able to manage, but there was nothing I
>> could do or say.
>
> Sounds like a lovely dinner. I suppose it's one of those times one has
> to grin and bear it.
>
>
>>
>> There was no apology from the invited couple. No "thank you" from the
>> uninvited couple. We never invited either couple again, but I feel to
>> this day, that there should have been something I could have done.
>>
>> How would you have handled this?
>
> I would have handled exactly as you did, graciously. Then like you, I
> would never invite them again. If asked by the couple at some point why
> you no longer have them over I would tell them the truth.
>
> Michael

Everything Michael said. They were unconscionable guests and you were the
ultimate hostess. There is no one who could out class you, Margaret!

Wayne

Goomba38, after taking an infinite amount of time, finally, on 06 Sep
2006, typed out:

> Nancy Young wrote:
>
>> You are such a kind person, I bet they really did think you wouldn't
>> mind if they walked all over you. I'm just happy you cut them off
>> your invite list.
>
> I would dream about being a mouse on the wall when they later
> discussed their huge faux pas (and being *my* fantasy, they would!)
> and their remorse. Then (again my fantasy) they'd have sent Margaret
> some huge bouquet or something the next day with their note of
> apology.


I'd love to send ALL the women of r.f.c bouquets of flowers without an
invite, WITH a note of adoration!

Andy

Melba's Jammin' wrote:

>
> > supposed to call him about the details. When I called he said they
> > weren't going. They have a great excuse. Someone ( I don't know who)
> > is going to a wedding and they are going to be baby-sitting that
> > person's daughter. Then I found out that the other two brothers are
> > going. One has not called to confirm that he is going, and I really
> > doubt that the one who is backing out has called to cancel. And I am
> > not doing it for him. I am not going to call and make excuses for my
> > brother. He is old enough to do that himself.
>
> I have been asked to extend invitations to my adult children (as it
> sounds like you were above - the adult part, anyway). I provide the
> host with contact information and tell them that I do not wish to be
> involved in the invitation. It ain't my party and I refuse to be put
> into the middle of the invitation and acceptance process. I refuse.

I don't mind helping out with the hosts invitations. It was my cousin who
called, and she probably called me because I am the only one who has
maintained contact with that set of cousins over the last 25 years or so.
And being that it is family, it is not a problem helping out. I am just a
little miffed at my brothers, two of who said they weren't coming but then
decided they were and made the arrangements on their own, and at the one
who said he was, then he wasn't, then he was and then he wasn't. I made
the original arrangements and confirmed the number coming at that time. It
is up to them to contact her to let them know they are coming if they had
said that they weren't ot that they aren't if they had said they were.

Michael \"Dog3\" Lonergan wrote:

> " >
> oups.com:
>
> >
> > I think I might have said something like, "Gosh, I had no idea your
> > cousins were coming! I'm glad to have you, but I only prepared food for
> > 8! What should we do for dinner for your cousins? What do you think of
> > a pizza?! Tsk tsk, Invited Woman, you should have told me they were
> > coming! Welcome, let me take your coats. Cousins, are you better bridge
> > players than Invited Woman?"
>
> Ohhh... you've got a mean streak. I like that
>

I knew a guy who was very anal about arrangements. He didn't especially like
his stepchildren and their families. They were always late. He would invite
them for dinner at a specified time. If they didn't show up on time he went
ahead and served dinner, then cleaned up. If they showed up later he did not
offer them anything to eat. As far as I know, it didn't do much to make
them more prompt. He died a few years ago and they probably don't care.

pfoley wrote:
> "Sharon" > wrote in message
> ...
>> This is slightly off topic, but I've seen you guys discuss manners here
>> before, and I know many of you also entertain, so I want your opinions.
>>In a nutshell: people who expect to drop in at a party or cancel at the last
>> minute drive me NUTS.


> That is very funny; love the part about the lady calling asking if it would
> it be a problem if she cancelled. And she wasn't even calling to cancel, but
> wanted to know if she did, would it be a problem, and you didn't even know
> she was coming.


Not really funny. Rude and arrogant.

Too bad it's not possible to add after RSVP: "If you don't
reply, you d*mned well better not show up."

gloria p

Puester wrote:

> Too bad it's not possible to add after RSVP: "If you don't
> reply, you d*mned well better not show up."

The proper mnemonic for that, I believe, would be SVNRPVNAP.

You're welcome.

Margaret Suran wrote:
>
>
> Six of us were in the living room, waiting for the last couple. The
> doorman called from downstairs, announcing "guests"
>
> I went to open the door and nearly fainted. Instead of the couple I
> expected, four people were coming into my apartment.
>
> "My cousins are in town", said the invited woman "and we thought it
> would be nice if they came with us". I was holding on to the doorknob
> for dear life, not wanting to collapse on the floor.
>
> The woman continued, "I knew you would not mind".
>
> Well, I did mind. The table was set for eight. There was barely enough
> room for that many. There was no extra chopped liver, I had made it
> from the duck livers and there was just enough for eight portions. I
> had only the eight pieces of duckling, each just enough for one person,
> not enough for more. If everything had not been on plates, I might have
> been able to manage, but there was nothing I could do or say.
>
> We crammed two more chairs and settings around and on the table. Erich
> and I gave our dinners to the uninvited guests.
>
> There was enough soup. There was enough dessert. While the rest played
> Bridge after dinner, Erich and I cleaned up, washed dishes and scrounged
> for more food for ourselves.
>
> There was no apology from the invited couple. No "thank you" from the
> uninvited couple. We never invited either couple again, but I feel to
> this day, that there should have been something I could have done.
>
> How would you have handled this?

Ugh! Oh, Margaret, how sad and how embarrassing. (What does it say
about our society that YOU were probably the embarrassed one rather than
couples 4 and 5?)

The couples were equally at fault. Why would anyone think that an extra
couple was welcome at a bridge dinner party? And why would anyone go to
a dinner party to which they were not specifically invited?

You were very gracious not to throw them all out on their ears.

gloria p

> wrote in message
oups.com...
>
> Sharon wrote:
>
> > Case in point 2: After the "event coordinator" for a social club I
> > belong to suddenly quit,
>
> Do you wonder why? :0
>
> > At any rate, am I the only person who feels embarrassed when my guests
> > are shorted food or equipment because of logistic errors?
>
> It can be a stinker when things don't go as planned, but maybe you need
> to loosen up the must-have-control feeling? Some people are flakier
> than others, and there's no reasonable way to make people act the way
> you want, even if what you want is the adult and responsible thing to
> do. If you really want to cut down on flakitude, invite fewer people or
> invite only the ones who respond seriously. In my world, people aren't
> flaky to **** me off - they're just flaky. They have kids, illnesses,
> whatever, and attending my party isn't as high a priority.
>
> If I may suggest a few "solutions" to this problem -
>
> 1) Don't do this job anymore. You don't seem to be enjoying it at all.
> Hand it off, if you can bear to watch someone else struggle with this
> problem.
>
> 2) Next time, send notes to or phone the ones who didn't RSVP and let
> them know that you've categorized them as not attending. Acknowledge
> all who did RSVP and confirm their presence/absence. Set the RSVP date
> early enough in advance that people who change their mind later can be
> accomodated. (When I organized my wedding, I set the RSVP date to be 3
> wks before I had to give the final head count to the food people. I
> waited until a week after the RSVP date and began calling the ones who
> didn't respond. The few people who forgot to reply were very good
> natured about hearing from me, and I called to socialize and oh by the
> way, are you coming to the wedding, etc.)
>
> 3) Order more food than you think you'll need. It's part of the
> expenses, just like a rental fee or a photographer. You've gotta have
> room in the party budget for throwaway food. If people are paying to
> attend (ie, it's not a wedding, it's a fundraiser), raise the cost per
> head (instead of $30/person, make it $32 or whatever, depending on how
> many generally don't show). Just like a bakery has to throw away bread
> every night, they factor that cost into what they charge for the bread
> they do sell.
>
> Hope this give you some ideas,
> June

================
All excellent ideas.
>

On Wed, 06 Sep 2006 20:07:25 GMT, Margaret Suran
> wrote:


>How would you have handled this?

I wish I could say I would have slammed the door in their face but I'd
probably have done the same. Like nancy, I got annoyed just reading
about it.

You got me thinking if I've ever had a similar experience. I don't
think I do because I always over cook. But I had another food type
situation this spring that had my blood boiling and someone will never
return because of it. We had a graduation party for my partners's
daughter. One of her friends husband is a social misfit. He's known
to drive alone so he can eat at a party and leave his wife behind and
go home to watch TV. We had gone to their daughters party the week
before and stayed late enough for them to get the check. The wife
took the check and announced how much it was! Were we supposed to
give a gift AND pitch in for dinner? LOL Anyway, our party had so
many munchies and appetizers we probably didn't even need to serve a
dinner. Everyone was in the yard playing bags, croquet etc. We
ordered chicken for simplicity and made sides ourselves. The sides
were almost done when the chicken arrived. I brought the box down to
the area where the chafing dishes were and went up to get some paper
towels and this jerk husband was in the kitchen. He said he was
hungry and could he have some chicken? My jaw dropped as we weren't
ready to serve everyone and the party had just started. Rather than
say what was on my mind I told him to go ahead. It was a small party
of about 30 so we ordered 70 mixed pieces. There's not many breasts
in a mix and he took the 2 biggest ones. He stuffed himself and left
before anyone else ate. As he departed he told his wife to make sure
she brought some more chicken home for him. I made his doggie bag up
for him and he got ONE drumstick since he likes breasts. <eg>

The rest of us ate a nice meal quite a bit later and didn't miss this
jerk at all. He will NEVER see this house again. But I did let the
asshole have his way for the sake of not ruining a party. I think
it's the shock thing. If I had known he was going to pull that crap I
might have reacted differently. I dunno.

Thanks for sharing your story Margaret

Lou

"Dean G." wrote:

>
> >
> > A good example of chutzpha, nu?
>
> I would have liked to offer such chairs to the people who brought the
> uninvited guests.

LOL reminds me of a conversation I had with an old friend and his then
girlfriend. He was telling her about the breakfast parties we used to have .
There were three couples and one single guy, Bob AKA Cheap Bob. Bob is the
kind of guy who shows up at a BYOB party with one can of beer and drinks
everyone else's booze all night. My friend was telling her how my wife and I
would bake muffins and biscuits or pancakes or waffles, he and his wife would
bring bacon and eggs and the other couple brought juice and fresh bread.
Knowing Bob and how cheap he is she asked what he would bring. I
answered...... a guest :-)

Some of the guys were out of town for a few years. When they were all back we
were going to get together for a party. I offered my house but someone
suggested a local restaurant with a buffet. I wasn't crazy about buffets
(still not) and suggested a potluck would be a lot more affordable for all and
we could really party. Nope. They wanted the buffet. Sunday morning they call
up and decided to do the potluck at my place instead. Bob shows up with his
new wife, his brother, two sisters and their husbands and ONE can of beer. No
food, no munchies, no drinks other than the one crummy can of beer, and 5 more
people. At that time, there were no grocery, beer or liquor stores open on
Sunday.

Nancy Young wrote:

> In some cultures, apparently, the idea that you might need to
> let people know you were coming is an unfamiliar one. You just
> brace yourself, no idea who's going to show up.

Sounds like an Indian wedding! I had a friend who married a few years
back - she told me that her parents had to hand deliver invitations to
everyone in their town/village. Apparently, to send them through the
post is an insult if you live in the same town?! Hundreds upon hundreds
showed up. I have no idea how they managed RSVPs, or if they did it
that way at all.

June

"Margaret Suran" > wrote in message
ink.net...

<snipped story about tacky, insensitive guests>

> There was no apology from the invited couple. No "thank you" from the
> uninvited couple. We never invited either couple again, but I feel to
> this day, that there should have been something I could have done.
>
> How would you have handled this?

Well, Margaret, I probably would have handled it the way you did...but I
would have added a twist. As the uninvited guests snarfed down *my* roast
duckling, I would have glared at them until they inadvertently choked.

No I wouldn't. I would have done exactly as you did, and then write about
it on Usenet. Except I might have included all 4 of their names. Just as a
public service announcement.

Lisa Ann

On Wed, 6 Sep 2006 20:42:40 -0400, "Lisa Ann" >
wrote:


>No I wouldn't. I would have done exactly as you did, and then write about
>it on Usenet. Except I might have included all 4 of their names. Just as a
>public service announcement.
>
>Lisa Ann
>

Names and phone numbers? She does that you know>

Lou

On Wed, 06 Sep 2006 20:07:25 GMT, Margaret Suran
> wrote:
>
>
>What would you do under these circumstances? You invited three other
>couples for dinner and Bridge. You prepared a nice dinner for eight,
>chopped liver with black radish slices, consommé with Fridatten,
>roasted duck with bread dumplings and red cabbage, beer or wine or
>water with lemon slices, dessert, cheese, fruit, you know, the whole deal.
>
<snip story>
>
>The woman continued, "I knew you would not mind".
>
>Well, I did mind. The table was set for eight. There was barely
>enough room for that many. There was no extra chopped liver, I had
>made it from the duck livers and there was just enough for eight
>portions. I had only the eight pieces of duckling, each just enough
>for one person, not enough for more. If everything had not been on
>plates, I might have been able to manage, but there was nothing I
>could do or say.
>
>We crammed two more chairs and settings around and on the table.
>Erich and I gave our dinners to the uninvited guests.
>
>There was enough soup. There was enough dessert. While the rest
>played Bridge after dinner, Erich and I cleaned up, washed dishes and
>scrounged for more food for ourselves.
>
>There was no apology from the invited couple. No "thank you" from the
>uninvited couple. We never invited either couple again, but I feel to
>this day, that there should have been something I could have done.
>
>How would you have handled this?

If they were good friends, I would have scraped all the chopped liver
into a communal bowl, cut the duck into smaller pieces, ordered
Chinese to fill in the gap and never let them forget what they did
because I'd razz them (with a huge smile on my face) at every
possible opportunity.

If they were not good friends, I would have done all the above except
razz them for the rest of their lives, because they would be crossed
off my list of people to socialize with in the future.

On Wed, 06 Sep 2006 20:07:25 GMT, Margaret Suran
> wrote:

>There was no apology from the invited couple. No "thank you" from the
>uninvited couple. We never invited either couple again, but I feel to
>this day, that there should have been something I could have done.
>
>How would you have handled this?

Exactly as you did, with graciousness and welcome. And of course,
never invite them again.

serene
--
My blog: http://serenejournal.livejournal.com
My cooking blog: http://serenecooking.livejournal.com

In article . net>,
Margaret Suran > wrote:

> Well, I did mind. The table was set for eight. There was barely
> enough room for that many. There was no extra chopped liver, I had
> made it from the duck livers and there was just enough for eight
> portions. I had only the eight pieces of duckling, each just enough
> for one person, not enough for more. If everything had not been on
> plates, I might have been able to manage, but there was nothing I
> could do or say.

Things are becoming clearer: Is this the reason that when you entertain
10 people, you provide enough food for 35 "just in case"? "-)
--
-Barb, Mother Superior, HOSSSPoJ
http://web.mac.com/barbschaller
http://jamlady.eboard.com

I recall having to cancel my attendance at a VERY expensive wedding and
formal dinner reception at a Chicago hotel after I had RSVP'd (on time)
my plan to attend and only 4 days before the wedding. My father died
suddenly and I simply could not go, so I telephoned the mother of the
bride immediately explaining the circumstance and followed it with a
note of apology. Frankly, I didn't know what else to do, and was very
pleased to get a very nice note of sympathy from the bride's family
about a week later.


Sharon wrote:
> This is slightly off topic, but I've seen you guys discuss manners here
> before, and I know many of you also entertain, so I want your opinions. In a
> nutshell: people who expect to drop in at a party or cancel at the last minute
> drive me NUTS.
> Case in point 1: I've been married twice, and planned my own lovely
> weddings both times. Although both were relatively small, I hired caterers, so
> sent RSVP's with the invitations in order to have a firm headcount. Both times
> I had people who showed up after not sending an RSVP, and people who RSVP'ed in
> the affirmative but didn't show up. (And no, they didn't balance out.)
> After the first time (seeing a few $30 plates of food go to waste), I
> thought I'd get smart. I did the second wedding buffet-style and had 23
> positive RSVP's so I told the caterer that the headcount was 27. So it was
> quite embarrassing when the last few people turned away from the buffet table
> and realized that all the tables were full: no more chairs or cutlery! I
> discovered that all 30 people we'd invited showed up.
> Case in point 2: After the "event coordinator" for a social club I
> belong to suddenly quit, I stepped into the job. Mostly it's fine. But there
> are a few people who expect to be able to come to our events with *hours*
> notice or to cancel the same way. It seems like no matter how much I politely
> tell people that we need to have headcounts to calculate food quantity, chairs,
> canoes, etc, there are those who just don't get it. We had one canoe trip
> where a lady showed up with hours notice but I wasn't warned, and we found
> ourselves short one canoe and life vest.
> I expressed my annoyance, privately to the club board, and they
> made it seem like I was just a fussy stink-pot. Actually I just tried to
> politely remind them that I needed *advance notice*, and that I felt we owed
> one man a refund because he was relegated to 3rd wheel status in a canoe with a
> couple. (Two man canoes, and everybody pays for half a canoe.)
> This week I got an email from a lady about a trip this coming weekend.
> She said she might not be able to come, and would that be a problem. I wrote
> back saying "wow, I didn't know you were coming because I never got your signup
> email, so the answer is no it's not a problem". (True, I was having spam
> filter problems at the time and never got her request.) She wrote back and
> said she's not cancelling, she just wanted to know if it was a problem IF she
> cancelled. WTF? Make up your mind?
> At any rate, am I the only person who feels embarrassed when my guests
> are shorted food or equipment because of logistic errors? Even my club-mates
> who don't have such bad manners seem to take other's bad manners in stride and
> don't seem at all bothered. I had to *convince* the board that we owed that
> man a refund. Is it just me?
>
> - Sharon
> "Gravity... is a harsh mistress!"

On 6 Sep 2006 22:08:15 -0700, "Mary" > wrote:

>I recall having to cancel my attendance at a VERY expensive wedding and
>formal dinner reception at a Chicago hotel after I had RSVP'd (on time)
>my plan to attend and only 4 days before the wedding. My father died
>suddenly and I simply could not go, so I telephoned the mother of the
>bride immediately explaining the circumstance and followed it with a
>note of apology. Frankly, I didn't know what else to do, and was very
>pleased to get a very nice note of sympathy from the bride's family
>about a week later.

You did the right thing, and so did they. Miss Manners would agree.

serene
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My blog: http://serenejournal.livejournal.com
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