SLop enters our view with a horse (no nag jokes, please). Hmm, they seem
to be using extra gauze and Vaseline on the lens this week. SLop babbles
on and on about being thankful for things this time of year, yada yada
yada. I'm just thankful I'm not eating at her place for Thanksgiving.
Gosh, I hope Lady's not on the menu!

We cut to the obligatory tablescape and OMG! There's a maimed pheasant on
the table!

We return to SLop walking into the faux pantry holding a wreath and
wearing a fur coat of some sort, no doubt a present from The Wallet and
starts to blah blah blah about having a nice ride. I am guessing that she
meant on Lady the horse, but I doubt that nag can manage that, and when I
say "nag", I meant SLop.

SLop tells us how to make her best marinade, then immediately calls it a
rub. What the ****? SLop fetches a big brandy sniffer of boozed-up coffee
in the fridge and starts to chug. She tells us she'll show us how to make
it later.

SLop's "tip": Clean the bones or they'll burn. Make the butcher do it if
it's beyond your ability.

SLop's marinade is a rub made of herb dip and peppercorn seasoning, mixed
with worchester sauce. SLop confides that she cannot pronounce it. Yes,
we already know you can't say it, bitch. Remember, you confided this to
us last time you used it and at the beginning of the French Farce ep.
SLop mixes it up with a fork instead of something sensible, like a spoon.

Whoah! Stunt rub! The rub is suddenly all mixed up and heaped into a
corner of the pan. it's also considerably darker than it was a few
seconds ago.

SLop's "tip": The butcher can tie the roast up for you. This is what, the
THIRD time you've told us this?

SLop smears the rub on meat, with a fork.

SLop tells us that crown roast feeds a lot of people and is elegant. You
can even serve it in addition to the turkey!

SLop's "tip": Cover bone tips with aluminum foil so they don't burn (or
use tiny chef hats) SLop couldn't find any for some reason in ten stores
(yet she manages to find "truffle oil" and other weird ingredients), so
she's using aluminum foil this time. Real classy lookin', SLop.

SLop's "tip": Take the foil off the bones before serving!

SLop starts to work on the stuffing. She tells us to take some spicy
Italian sausage, remove it from the casings, and crumble it. SLop puts
the split sausage into the pan and then starts removing the contents from
their casings. Yes, IN THE PAN. She then crumbles it with a fork and adds
condensed golden mushroom soup, which makes it "creamy and delicious"
(why does she always describe food with those two words?). Oh, she forgot
to include "salty" too. SLop then kicks it up a notch by adding a can of
chicken stock. Wow, looks like diarrhea...

SLop pulls out a fully-cooked roast and sets it aside to rest. "Mmmm,
very nice!"

SLop dumps a packet of instant mushroom onion soup mix and parsley for
the stuffing. She likes dried herbs because they are stronger, which is
why she uses them. Once the sauce thickens she dumps half a package of
croutons into the mix and makes extra for snacking on later. She then
scoops the vomitous stuffing into the crown roast. SLop adds a little
water into the bottom of the pan so when the juices dry up the pan will
still be moist. Whatever. SLop then proceeds to put the pan back into the
oven but has trouble opening the door with the pan in her hands. SLop's
touret's kicks in and she lets out a loud "I need a third hand. Whoooot!"
as she clumsily gets the pan into the oven. She then promises to show us
how to make her pumpkin spice cake with "Ball leaf nose scrape".

We fade to a promo for "Let's Talk Turkey!". Hmm, no sign of SLop to be
seen anywhere...

SLop tells us we need canned pumpkin and orange liquor to make a good
spice cake. She pulls out the roast again to await its final fate. SLop
mixes up a package of yellow cake mix and a package of spice cake mix.
She takes the spice package which is normally used for the bundt cake
"swirl" and dumps it into the mix. SLop breathlessly announces her secret
ingredient: pumpkin pie spice. Hmm, a copper-colored KA mixer.

SLop then butters the pan with a stick of butter. SL loves the shapes of
bundt pans and takes out the extra stuffing from the oven. She then adds
flour to the Teflon pan to coat it. Hmm, kinda heavy on the butter and
flour there...
She then adds one cup of canned pumpkin to the mix. SLop explains that
she added the flour in pan because it helps the cake dough rise. Moron.

While the cake bakes, she works on the glaze. She puts a MV cake onto a
cooling rack and mixes OJ and one whole big bag of powdered sugar with a
whisk. She then adds OJ liquor (beware of open flames) and then colors it
with 20 drops of yellow food coloring and 4 drops of red to make it
orange. Unfortunately, it's the same color as Cheeze Whiz. NO SLop, that
is NOT a perfect pumpkin orange color! I guess it doesn't matter anyway
since it's going to be a centerpiece. She takes another break before
showing us how to make the "No *** bow kay". ANOTHER break? Criminy! She
puts the brown crown roast on a brown serving plate and just HAS to taste
the drippings. She has a little orgasm in her mouth but alas, she's not
going to make it into gravy this time.

We cut to a yet ANOTHER commercial break and hmm, those Helman's recipes
look so much better than SLop's concoctions. Heh. Then we see a promo
for Half Baked SLop. Hmm, I just noticed she looks SO stoned out of her
gourd at the end, where she's sitting next to a bunch of giant lollipops
wearing a pink sweater with the hair mussing her hair as she stares
vacantly into space...

We return to the show and SLop announces "Happy Thanksgiving COCKTAIL
TIME!" as the now familiar pop-up graphic reveals itself. SLop announces
she's going to make a hot apple cider toddie. What about that iced coffee
you promised earlier? SLop heats up cider and two big shots of whisky
(warning us about any open flames nearby), then takes a stick of butter
and mixes it with some nutmeg and cinnamon and ground cloves and brown
sugar in the copper KA mixing machine. SLop likes the butter because it
makes the drink rich and delicious. Yeah, what HAVEN'T you described as
"rich and delicious"? She then dumps the butter mixture into glasses with
a cinnamon stick and embellished with leaves. Hmm, she didn't use
clothespins, thank gawd. She mixes some pumpkin pie spices and graham
cracker crumbs as a topping. For a drink? The hell? SLop takes one tub of
coolwhip and mixes in some rum extract. I am totally shocked that she
didn't put it into another container to do this. SLop explains that
there's no need to mess up another bowl and that the extract will makes
the coolwhip taste fresh.
SLop then dumps the cider into a measuring cup, then into the heatproof
cognac glasses. Didn't you just tell us not to use more dishes than
necessary?
She then adds a dollop of coolwhip to each one and sprinkles the graham
cracker mix over it. Gag me with a spoon. A dessert cocktail!

SLop walks to the tablescape with a goblet of her "dessert cocktail" in
each hand and sets them down. She then shows us how to make that "no ***
foze scape": Take some leaves and bundle them with berry wire, then add
some roses, clipping long ends with a pair of pliers (I would use
scissors myself) and shoving the whole thing into the center of the cake.
I feel sorry for that poor pheasant thing on the table. She also
recommends using the extra berry wire and a leaf around the stems of
your glassware to make a beautiful glass that everyone will love. Ewww!
There's a shot of the glass filled with what looks like vomit streaked
with something white! She used umber colored tablecloth with matching
napkins so everything matches. SLop then shows us her lovely pheasant
centerpiece that she embellished with leaves and feathers, except it's
ghastly. Why didn't she use a TURKEY, for gawd's sake? SLop says she's
going to be serving the supper (which consists of crown roast and that
nasty cider) buffet-style, but for some reason put place settings at the
same table as the food. Idiot. Anyhow, SLop announces she has to refill
her cups (for "Colleen", I guess) and sways as she closes out with a lame
variation of her "Keep it semi-homemade" line.

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.