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On Mar 27, 5:42*am, Ubiquitous > wrote:
> SLop walks in with a bowl of apples and exclaims "I like to decorate my
> house with fruit that looks like it was just picked at a farm but REALLY
> came from the produce section of my supermarket!". I am absolutely
> stunned at this statement while the credits run.
>
> SLop returns and says she loves bisque made with canned bisque, but her
> trick is to add canned crab, which is affordable and available all year
> 'round. She takes some pre-made bisque and adds cream to make it "thick,
> rich and delicious", then adds her "secret" ingredient, canned crab,
> telling us to use the juice too. That's not juice, you twit! As SLop
> stirs, she lauds its use at parties because it doesn't take up much oven
> space and then shows us what it'll look like when done. Oddly enough,
> MV's bisque is several more shades of yellow than SLop's.
>
> SLop then makes a walnut butter salad by heating sugar, walnuts, and
> orange juice in a pan, then makes some cinnamon sugar in another bowl.
> Once the walnuts are caramelized, she dumps them into the bowl of sugar
> and then onto a cookie sheet and reminds us about all that wonderful
> sugar! SLop preps the lettuce and tells us to make the salad last, so
> why are you making this now? SLop tells us that people eat with their
> eyes first and then use their palates. Heh. SLop places some tangerines
> from a jar and adds some dressing, telling us that champaign dressing
> is her personal favorite. Golly. SLop then confides to us about how she
> loves to "drown her food" in butter and sour cream, complete with her
> making some "Please don't drown me!" food talking sounds. I'm not so
> sure that's something I'd want to admit to anyone.
>
> We return from commercial in time for SLop to make the mashers and meat
> pinwheels. She first pours a labelless can of chicken broth into a pan
> and then proceeds to blame her nieces and nephews of stealing them for
> some sort of school drive. Pretty low, SLop. We know the truth. She
> adds a stick of butter and exclaims "I feel so much like Paula Dean!"
> and I so wish Paula Dean walked up behind her and beat her senseless
> with a wooden spoon right now. SLop adds some sun dried tomatoes and
> the whole container of stuffing and while it finishes, she tells us
> about the best secret in the sto pre-made mashers. Yeah. Anyhow, she
> embellishes the mashers by adding them to a pan containing cream and
> butter and rosemary and then filibusters by giving us a plot synopsis
> of "Always". Wow, her favorite scene involves a woman who cannot cook
> and has to trick her boyfriend into thinking she can. I would have
> never guessed! No, really. I am not kidding, folks. She adds the mashers
> to the pan and tells us not to worry about getting food on yourself;
> it'll make it look like you worked hard!
>
> SLop then lays out some flank steak and puts the stuffing mixture in a
> line down the middle, using toothpicks to hold it together because if
> it didn't it would "literally flatten and the stuffing will fall out
> and not give the desired result I want for you". Really? SLop pops the
> roll into the oven and never bothers to wash her hands. She pulls out
> MV's meat roll and gets all excited about the juice. She carves it up
> (without letting it even rest) and plates it with some white pasty
> mashers, then shovels a huge forkful into her mouth.
>
> We break to a commercial and oddly enough, see an ad for King Arthur
> Flour featuring these kids finding something on the ground at the
> playground and daring each other to poke it. It turns out to be a
> twinkie, but it just struck me as funny.
>
> We return from commercial for SLop's lemon chiffon salmonella pie. She
> relates how her friend made up the term "whip 'n' chill" and then makes
> some sugar lemon slices by painting raw unpasteurized egg whites onto
> lemons and then sprinkling sugar onto them and placing the slices on top
> of the pie. Man, between the meat and the raw egg, this truly is a
> dinner of doom!
>
> As we return from commercial break, SLop staggers into the kitchen and
> nearly falls flat on her face, then claims she was getting ready for the
> party. Yeah, right, I guess you were too busy "getting dressed" for a
> Cocktail Time this week. She shows us how she makes gifts for her guests
> by taking a box of chocolates and bundling them in tool or tissues with
> ribbon. She walks into the room where her imaginary party is taking
> place and asks "Does this look spectacular or not?", to which I must
> truthfully say "Not". SLop has a white four-chair (if that many) table
> upon which rests a vase with bright red ostrich feathers and goblets
> containing beta fish and faux pearls floating on the surface of the
> water. Ha! The fish on the leftmost goblet is dead, or at least it's
> hoping no one will notice it if it stands still. SLop closes the show
> with yet another "clever" variation on her "Keep it simple, keep it
> semi-homemade".
>
> --
> WARNING!!!
> Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
> standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
> assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating
> the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not
> sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of
> Miss Lee.

Ya but...she's got some nice hooters!!

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