It has become increasingly common for obituaries to indicate that the
family would prefer to have donations made to charity in lieu of
flowers. In some cases they ask that they be made to a charity of your
choice. In cases where there are young children, there seems to be a
growing trend to requesting donations to a trust fund for the child or
children of the deceased. My brother told me the other day about one on
his wife's extended family where they asked for donations to be made to
the daughter. In this case, the daughter is a 28 year old single mother.

Situation is.... the deceased was the father of my brother's wife's
brother's wife. My brother flatly refused to make a donation. In his
mind, the girl is an underemployed loser with a 8 year old daughter of
her own. She has never been married or in a long term relationship. He
discussed it with his wife's parents who were quite adamant that it is
quite common, especially among Italians (the husband was Italian).


I have never heard of this. I have to admit that I agree with my
brother. I would never make a memorial donation to something like that.

The family is not needy. The parents had a nice home, and there is a
vacation home. If the daughter is needy, she and her daughter could
move in with the mother. If money was an issue, they could sell the
vacation property.


Has anyone ever heard of a case like this? Would you make a memorial
donation to the 28 year old deadbeat single mother daughter of the deceased?

On 6/2/2013 11:32 AM, Dave Smith wrote:

> I have never heard of this. I have to admit that I agree with my
> brother. I would never make a memorial donation to something like that.
>
> The family is not needy. The parents had a nice home, and there is a
> vacation home. If the daughter is needy, she and her daughter could
> move in with the mother. If money was an issue, they could sell the
> vacation property.
>
>
> Has anyone ever heard of a case like this? Would you make a memorial
> donation to the 28 year old deadbeat single mother daughter of the deceased?


Nope... never heard of anything like this. I have heard of funds set up
for minor children when a parent dies and don't see anything wrong with
that.

George L

On 6/2/2013 12:56 PM, George Leppla wrote:
> On 6/2/2013 11:32 AM, Dave Smith wrote:
>
>> I have never heard of this. I have to admit that I agree with my
>> brother. I would never make a memorial donation to something like that.
>>
>> The family is not needy. The parents had a nice home, and there is a
>> vacation home. If the daughter is needy, she and her daughter could
>> move in with the mother. If money was an issue, they could sell the
>> vacation property.
>>
>>
>> Has anyone ever heard of a case like this? Would you make a memorial
>> donation to the 28 year old deadbeat single mother daughter of the
>> deceased?
>
>
> Nope... never heard of anything like this. I have heard of funds set up
> for minor children when a parent dies and don't see anything wrong with
> that.

I have never done anything like that but I have made substantial
contributions to chosen indicated charities. These have been in memory
of closer relatives like brothers-in-law or nieces.


--
Jim Silverton (Potomac, MD)

Extraneous "not." in Reply To.

On 02/06/2013 2:07 PM, James Silverton wrote:

>>> Has anyone ever heard of a case like this? Would you make a memorial
>>> donation to the 28 year old deadbeat single mother daughter of the
>>> deceased?
>>
>>
>> Nope... never heard of anything like this. I have heard of funds set up
>> for minor children when a parent dies and don't see anything wrong with
>> that.
>
> I have never done anything like that but I have made substantial
> contributions to chosen indicated charities. These have been in memory
> of closer relatives like brothers-in-law or nieces.
>
>

I can appreciate that. If you are close enough to be buying flowers then
send the money to charity instead. But it you are not close enough to be
buying flowers you should not feel pressure to donate to a charity.


What if the named charity is one that is at odds with your personal beliefs?

On 6/2/2013 3:58 PM, Dave Smith wrote:
> On 02/06/2013 2:07 PM, James Silverton wrote:
>
>>>> Has anyone ever heard of a case like this? Would you make a memorial
>>>> donation to the 28 year old deadbeat single mother daughter of the
>>>> deceased?
>>>
>>>
>>> Nope... never heard of anything like this. I have heard of funds set up
>>> for minor children when a parent dies and don't see anything wrong with
>>> that.
>>
>> I have never done anything like that but I have made substantial
>> contributions to chosen indicated charities. These have been in memory
>> of closer relatives like brothers-in-law or nieces.
>>
>>
>
> I can appreciate that. If you are close enough to be buying flowers then
> send the money to charity instead. But it you are not close enough to be
> buying flowers you should not feel pressure to donate to a charity.
>
>
> What if the named charity is one that is at odds with your personal
> beliefs?
>
It has never happened yet. I'll make the decision when the problem comes!

--
Jim Silverton (Potomac, MD)

Extraneous "not." in Reply To.

On Sunday, June 2, 2013 9:32:32 AM UTC-7, Dave Smith wrote:
> It has become increasingly common for obituaries to indicate that the
> family would prefer to have donations made to charity in lieu of
> flowers.
>
> Has anyone ever heard of a case like this? Would you make a memorial
> donation to the 28 year old deadbeat single mother daughter of the deceased?

Most people just attend a funeral; only a few donate flowers. Same with requests like this: most people will ignore it. One benefit of doing so means you can avoid characterizing and stereotyping people you don't know well. -aem

On 02/06/2013 1:27 PM, aem wrote:
> On Sunday, June 2, 2013 9:32:32 AM UTC-7, Dave Smith wrote:
>> It has become increasingly common for obituaries to indicate that
>> the family would prefer to have donations made to charity in lieu
>> of flowers.
>>
>> Has anyone ever heard of a case like this? Would you make a
>> memorial donation to the 28 year old deadbeat single mother
>> daughter of the deceased?
>
> Most people just attend a funeral; only a few donate flowers. Same
> with requests like this: most people will ignore it. One benefit of
> doing so means you can avoid characterizing and stereotyping people
> you don't know well. -aem
>



Indeed. When I was younger, only relatives and close friends or groups
of co-workers would send flowers. Over the years there has been an
increasing number of requests to make a donation to a charity in lieu of
flowers. In my min, warped as it may be, a donation in lieu of flowers
means that if I were going to send flowers they would rather have a
donation made to a specific charity, or charity of your choice. But...
if I weren't going to send flowers..... then no donation to me made in
lieu of the non-flowers.


On a similar note... I am reluctant to give to new charities. Charity
fund raising has become a business and sending money to a charity puts
you on their sucker list, and they sell the list to other charities. A
couple years ago my wife sent a donation to a hospice in Victoria BC in
memory of a friend who had spent her final days there. Every 2-3 months
we get beg letters from them.



When my mother died we followed her wishes and asked that in lieu of
flowers please take someone near and dear out for a nice dinner.

"Dave Smith" > wrote in message
...

> When my mother died we followed her wishes and asked that in lieu of
> flowers please take someone near and dear out for a nice dinner.


Send flowers when the person can still smell them and enjoy them. Send money
in their name to your favorite LOCAL cause after they're gone. Mine would be
Animal Friends Connection. :-)

Cheri

On Sun, 02 Jun 2013 15:53:50 -0400, Dave Smith
> wrote:

>
>Indeed. When I was younger, only relatives and close friends or groups
>of co-workers would send flowers. Over the years there has been an
>increasing number of requests to make a donation to a charity in lieu of
>flowers. In my min, warped as it may be, a donation in lieu of flowers
>means that if I were going to send flowers they would rather have a
>donation made to a specific charity, or charity of your choice. But...
>if I weren't going to send flowers..... then no donation to me made in
>lieu of the non-flowers.

Agree. The idea overall has merit. IMO, the flowers look pretty for a
couple of hours and then are gone. Waste of money. If you want to
send me flowers, do it now so I can appreciate your thoughtfulness and
enjoy the flowers for days.

Some people feel the need to do something. In a case like that, giving
to a charity at least does some good for that portion of society.



>
>
>On a similar note... I am reluctant to give to new charities. Charity
>fund raising has become a business and sending money to a charity puts
>you on their sucker list, and they sell the list to other charities.

If possible, I give anonymously. I don't itemize deductions any more
so a receipt for taxes is not an issue.



>
>When my mother died we followed her wishes and asked that in lieu of
>flowers please take someone near and dear out for a nice dinner.

Nice. I'd do that.

On Sun, 02 Jun 2013 22:42:38 -0400, Ed Pawlowski > wrote:

>On Sun, 02 Jun 2013 15:53:50 -0400, Dave Smith
> wrote:

-snip-
>>
>>When my mother died we followed her wishes and asked that in lieu of
>>flowers please take someone near and dear out for a nice dinner.
>
>Nice. I'd do that.

I missed Dave's line - but 'Right on!'. The greatest gift for the
dead is to take care of the living.

Jim

On 6/3/2013 7:29 AM, Jim Elbrecht wrote:
> On Sun, 02 Jun 2013 22:42:38 -0400, Ed Pawlowski > wrote:
>
>> On Sun, 02 Jun 2013 15:53:50 -0400, Dave Smith
>> > wrote:
>
> -snip-
>>>
>>> When my mother died we followed her wishes and asked that in lieu of
>>> flowers please take someone near and dear out for a nice dinner.
>>
>> Nice. I'd do that.
>
> I missed Dave's line - but 'Right on!'. The greatest gift for the
> dead is to take care of the living.
>
> Jim
>
Agree, especially if those left behind are incapable at least
temporarily of taking care of themselves due to grief. I like that
idea, too.

--
CAPSLOCK–Preventing Login Since 1980.

Dave Smith wrote:

> When my mother died we followed her wishes and asked that in lieu of
> flowers please take someone near and dear out for a nice dinner.

A great woman
--
"Un pasto senza vino e' come un giorno senza sole"
Anthelme Brillat Savarin

In article >,
says...

> Has anyone ever heard of a case like this?

No. Not even when friends/family have died young leaving very small
children. At their funerals, it was "family flowers only" and anyone
else was invited to donate to named charity instead.. (that is very
common here now).

Janet UK

"Dave Smith" wrote in message ...

It has become increasingly common for obituaries to indicate that the
family would prefer to have donations made to charity in lieu of
flowers. In some cases they ask that they be made to a charity of your
choice. In cases where there are young children, there seems to be a
growing trend to requesting donations to a trust fund for the child or
children of the deceased. My brother told me the other day about one on
his wife's extended family where they asked for donations to be made to
the daughter. In this case, the daughter is a 28 year old single mother.

Situation is.... the deceased was the father of my brother's wife's
brother's wife. My brother flatly refused to make a donation. In his
mind, the girl is an underemployed loser with a 8 year old daughter of
her own. She has never been married or in a long term relationship. He
discussed it with his wife's parents who were quite adamant that it is
quite common, especially among Italians (the husband was Italian).


I have never heard of this. I have to admit that I agree with my
brother. I would never make a memorial donation to something like that.

The family is not needy. The parents had a nice home, and there is a
vacation home. If the daughter is needy, she and her daughter could
move in with the mother. If money was an issue, they could sell the
vacation property.


Has anyone ever heard of a case like this? Would you make a memorial
donation to the 28 year old deadbeat single mother daughter of the deceased?

~~~~~~~~
I have never heard of anything quite like this, and I don't think I would
make that type of memorial donation under the circumstances you described.
On the other hand, my mother sent a nice check to my father's sister (my
father had died sometime earlier) when her husband died. We did not think
of it as a "memorial donation," but this was a widow who had been left with
several minor children. The father had been employed, but they were very
poor. Mother said she would much prefer to give them money to spend where
it was needed instead of buying expensive flowers or even donating to a
worthy charity in that case. However, your example sounds very different
than what I am describing. We have made memorial donations to charities for
many years, even before it became "popular" to list them in obituaries.
Again, my parents always preferred to send their money where it could do
some good instead of buying flowers that were often thrown away or left on a
grave site to wilt.

MaryL

Well no..aint nobody ever heard of that kinda deal. However much was supposed to be donated to the whatever it was fund..should be turned into Cartons of Marlboros and ten dollar bills. Stand on the street corner of a busy town (gun handy) and when the moochers come up asking for change and a smoke..hand them a pack and a ten spot. That should work. When its gone its gone.

On 6/2/2013 12:32 PM, Dave Smith wrote:

>
>
> Has anyone ever heard of a case like this? Would you make a memorial
> donation to the 28 year old deadbeat single mother daughter of the
> deceased?

You're in no way obligated to make a donation. You're not even
obligated to honor the wishes of someone to not send flowers, though it
is kind of an assholish thing to do but people do it all the time.

--
CAPSLOCK–Preventing Login Since 1980.

On 02/06/2013 6:46 PM, Cheryl wrote:
> On 6/2/2013 12:32 PM, Dave Smith wrote:
>
>>
>>
>> Has anyone ever heard of a case like this? Would you make a memorial
>> donation to the 28 year old deadbeat single mother daughter of the
>> deceased?
>
> You're in no way obligated to make a donation. You're not even
> obligated to honor the wishes of someone to not send flowers, though it
> is kind of an assholish thing to do but people do it all the time.
>


True. But why send flowers to people if they are just going to think you
are doing it in their favour. If you don't really like the family and
they are born again types you can tell them you are donating to the
local planned parenthood clinic.
;-)

"Dave Smith" <>
> True. But why send flowers to people if they are just going to think you
> are doing it in their favour. If you don't really like the family and
> they are born again types you can tell them you are donating to the
> local planned parenthood clinic.
> ;-)
Gee, Dave. That was really lethal. Polly

I wouldn't worry myself over this. If I really want to make a donation, I do. If I don't, then who's to know. I think a well-penned letter of condolence sometimes shows more concern than just sending someone a check or making a donation.

As to donations and charities: I blot out my name on the check, scrawl my sig, and use no return address on my envelope. Keeps those compiling sucker lists at bay.

In article >,
Dave Smith > wrote:

> Has anyone ever heard of a case like this? Would you make a memorial
> donation to the 28 year old deadbeat single mother daughter of the deceased?

Nope, and I don't make memorial donations to the college funds for the
children of wealthy parents, either. That was the situation when my
friend The Widow Geraldine passed on‹memorials requested to a college
fund for her wealthy daughter's children. No, thanks.
--
Barb,
http://www.barbschaller.com, as of April 8, 2013.

On 05/06/2013 3:06 PM, Melba's Jammin' wrote:
> In article >,
> Dave Smith > wrote:
>
>> Has anyone ever heard of a case like this? Would you make a memorial
>> donation to the 28 year old deadbeat single mother daughter of the deceased?
>
> Nope, and I don't make memorial donations to the college funds for the
> children of wealthy parents, either. That was the situation when my
> friend The Widow Geraldine passed on‹memorials requested to a college
> fund for her wealthy daughter's children. No, thanks.
>

The more I hear the more I agree that flowers are appropriate for the
family or at least to decorate the altar for the service, but if you
aren't close enough to get flowers there is no need to donate in their
name.