This ep opens with SLop wearing a light blue sweater and blue print
capri pants seated on a blue sofa telling us how she's always getting
requests for healthy and low fat recipes. She prattles off the menu and
mentions her "true blue" tabletop, whatever that is.

During the opening credits, SLop talks about how she loves cooking for
all her girls friends, at which point we see a clip of her with her
fictitious niece, which is funny as hell.

SLop first breathlessly announces she's going to make some steamed
veggies with broccoli lemon sauce to die from, err, for. She cuts some
red potatoes into quarters and puts them into a bowl of water, then
dumps the whole thing into a pot. She cooks them with the lid on because
that makes food cook 75% faster.

She next makes her "simple simple!" teriyaki marinade. She mixes one cup
of water and one cup teriyaki in a baking pan and then adds pre-minced
and pre-chopped garlic from a jar.

SLop fetches some skewers that were soaked in water so they don't burn.
Slop skewers the salmon and puts them into the marinade, turning them
over so they are evenly coated while cooing "come on sweetness, you are
turnin' over for me" to the salmon. One might think she was using a line
her husband had tried unsuccessfully the night before.

While the marinade is "setting up", she cut up some red peppers. How
exactly does marinade "set up"? Anyhow, she tells us the trick to
cutting them is to lay it on its side and start cutting vertically,
starting from the end towards the stem, so she doesn't have to clean
them. Oh look! Someone has thoughtfully pre-scored the pepper for her!
She adds some broccoli and cooks it some more. There is no way all those
vegetables are going to done at the same time!

SLop tells us she's making this amzing sauce. It's amazing because it
comes from a can!! She dumps a can of cream of broccoli soup into a pan
and adds a little bit (one cup) of mayonnaise. She then squeezes the
juice from a lemon into the pan and then advises us to not be afraid to
take out any seeds which fall in. Wow, all this time I've left them in!
She says "souper!". Heh. Lastly, she adds a packet of Italian seasoning
(you can use fresh) and tells us it is also fantastic cold and can be
used as a dip.

SLop sprays a grill with PAM and puts the salmon onto it. She stirs the
soup and comments "souper!", and with a whoot! and hip wiggle, she flips
the salmon over -- they are SO burnt! SLop says "I don't want to
overcook them" (too late!) and then puts them into oven for "not too
long", but just make sure they don't over-cook.

SLop places the vegetables in various stages of cookedness into a
casserole dish and chunders the sauce over it. She describes it as "rich
and thick" but it only looks like warmed-over soup to me. She puts the
remainder into a bowl in case someone wants more. She gets a platter
with Napa cabbage, puts the salmon skewers on top, then drizzles the
left-over marinade over it. SLop then tells us not to reuse the
marinade. Thanks a HEAP! Before we go to commercial, SLop starts sliding
a skewer down her throat like a snake swallower, accompanied with a hip
wiggle and what is either foodgasm noises or the noise one makes when
one is getting 3rd degree burns in his mouth and throat. Of course, the
glamor shots look nothing like what she made.

We return from commercial and SLop tells us "First all you need to do is
go to your grocery store and buy a nice pork roast." I'm so glad that
she worded that so clearly because I honestly thought I was supposed to
go to the hardware store, or possibly a bowling alley and steal a really
crappy leg of lamb. She makes 2" deep cuts into the roast for the herbs
and says that because it's a loin it's low fat, but there's a big blob
of fat on it that she didn't bother to trim. Once she is finished, she
rinses her hands under the sink (I think this is the first time she has
ever washed her hands after handling meat) and gives us another tip: put
a towel under the cutting board so you can just flip it over and use the
back side for the herbs. I have NO idea what she is talking about. I am
guessing someone told her it keeps the board from slipping, but in her
drunken state got it all mixed up. She then said she was adding thyme
but I never saw any thyme; all I saw was her pulling rosemary off its
stem. SLop puts it in a bowl and adds parsley and pre-minced garlic from
a jar, then rubs the roast while muttering "souper!". OK, cut it out.
It's not particularly cute nor is it clever and repeating it is not
helping.

SLop retrieves the roast pork from the oven and plops it on the counter
to rest where the cutting board and towel were just a few minutes ago.

SLop pours a can of chicken stock instead of water into a pan with some
balsamic vinegar for some boil-in-a-bag rice. While it heats up, she
puts the glass pan the roast was in onto a burner, which is really
asking for trouble. She scrapes the pan with a flat edge spoon, then
adds a can of cream of mushroom soup and some low fat milk. As she stirs
to thicken the sauce, she claims that the soup is 98% fat free. She puts
the rice bags into the pan and cuts the roast on that same spot on the
counter. By the time she has finished cutting the roast, we see her
gravy is at a heavy boil. She produces a huge bowl of rice and plops the
roast onto it, then she empties the rice bags. She say "What I love
about these boil in the bag rice packets is the holes in them that means
you can add flavor", apparently unaware that it would be impossible to
cook the rice in the bag without them. She cuts the bags open and dumps
the rice onto the platter to the side of the roast. "Whoo! A little
HOT!" she exclaims. SLop then chunders the hot gravy into a glass
serving bowl for serving next to the roast. She exclaims that "low fat
doesn't have to be something that you dread". Well, only if you're doing
the cooking. She makes a big deal about cooking healthy and repeats that
her gravy was 98% fat free. How is it possible to pour 98% fat free soup
into a pan that had all the pork fat drippings and still have 98% fat
free?

It is cocktail time, Slop's favorite time of the day! She says this
because they haven't created the cute little graphic that pops up on the
screen yet. She threatens to make some fabulous drinks with juices,
jello, and fresh fruit from her pantry, and they're not all alcoholic!
She tells is the first drink is great for the kiddies but you can always
add vodka to it *wink wink nudge nudge*. First, she adds some jello and
boiling water to a glass pitcher, warning us to use a heat-proof
container so it doesn't pop or crack. She adds a cup of pear juice (I
have no clue where one gets that) and a can of Kern's strawberry juice
(nectar, really) and can of Kern's peach juice. Since she's not serving
this to kiddies today, she decides she's adding some vodka NOW. She
gleefully grabs a bottle of cheap vodka and pours "about a cup, a cup
and a half, two cups...", pours it into glasses and starts chugging.
SLop then makes her favorite recipe from her book, sorbet spritzers. She
hulls some strawberries and puts them into a blender with some bananas.
For some odd reason half the blender is wrapped up in a blue towel. SLop
declares that she cant find the lid so she uses a plate that just
happens to match her kitchen. She turns on the blender and it seems to
have trouble, sputtering a bit before finally pulverizing the contents.
She removes the plate and you can clearly see a price tag on the bottom,
over the where the opening to the blender is. She tells us to add one,
maybe two cups of vodka to the mix and informs us that the most
fattening part of good Russian vodka is the caviar you eat with it. I
seriously doubt that's a good Russian vodka there, SLop. She then
decants them into glasses and garnishes with sorbet balls from a melon
baller, and offers a trick: use a butter knife to dislodge balls from
melon baller.

For dessert, SLop takes a pre-made angel food cake and perforates it
with a spare skewer. I hope she soaked it in water! She mixes berries,
adds sugar, then mashes them up into a pulp, asiding that you can add
cognac or favoured liquor. She slathers the mixture across the top of
cake with a little "yeah... yeah baby!" and hip-wiggle sing-song, then
tells us her imaginary brother is very health conscious, so they make
this for his birthday. Unfortunately, it looks like something
disturbingly menstrual. Poor "Johnny"...

Before we head out to her tablescape, she tells us that she took three
$1.99 dishtowels and hung them on the window rod to make a makeshift
window treatment. "Doesn't it look fabulous? No one's going to know!",
except for us, and, of course, anyone who sees them.

This week's tablescape consists of boxes wrapped in the same pattern as
her capri pants with strategically-placed ribbons and candles. As she
talks about what she made, I cannot feel sorry about her pride and joy,
the mushroom gravy, for we see a single lonely mushroom floating alone
in a sea of grey greasy stuff. Poor little mushroom!


--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating
the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not
sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of
Miss Lee.