SLop walks in with a bowl of apples and exclaims "I like to decorate my
house with fruit that looks like it was just picked at a farm but REALLY
came from the produce section of my supermarket!". I am absolutely
stunned at this statement while the credits run.

SLop returns and says she loves bisque made with canned bisque, but her
trick is to add canned crab, which is affordable and available all year
'round. She takes some pre-made bisque and adds cream to make it "thick,
rich and delicious", then adds her "secret" ingredient, canned crab,
telling us to use the juice too. That's not juice, you twit! As SLop
stirs, she lauds its use at parties because it doesn't take up much oven
space and then shows us what it'll look like when done. Oddly enough,
MV's bisque is several more shades of yellow than SLop's.

SLop then makes a walnut butter salad by heating sugar, walnuts, and
orange juice in a pan, then makes some cinnamon sugar in another bowl.
Once the walnuts are caramelized, she dumps them into the bowl of sugar
and then onto a cookie sheet and reminds us about all that wonderful
sugar! SLop preps the lettuce and tells us to make the salad last, so
why are you making this now? SLop tells us that people eat with their
eyes first and then use their palates. Heh. SLop places some tangerines
from a jar and adds some dressing, telling us that champaign dressing
is her personal favorite. Golly. SLop then confides to us about how she
loves to "drown her food" in butter and sour cream, complete with her
making some "Please don't drown me!" food talking sounds. I'm not so
sure that's something I'd want to admit to anyone.

We return from commercial in time for SLop to make the mashers and meat
pinwheels. She first pours a labelless can of chicken broth into a pan
and then proceeds to blame her nieces and nephews of stealing them for
some sort of school drive. Pretty low, SLop. We know the truth. She
adds a stick of butter and exclaims "I feel so much like Paula Dean!"
and I so wish Paula Dean walked up behind her and beat her senseless
with a wooden spoon right now. SLop adds some sun dried tomatoes and
the whole container of stuffing and while it finishes, she tells us
about the best secret in the sto pre-made mashers. Yeah. Anyhow, she
embellishes the mashers by adding them to a pan containing cream and
butter and rosemary and then filibusters by giving us a plot synopsis
of "Always". Wow, her favorite scene involves a woman who cannot cook
and has to trick her boyfriend into thinking she can. I would have
never guessed! No, really. I am not kidding, folks. She adds the mashers
to the pan and tells us not to worry about getting food on yourself;
it'll make it look like you worked hard!

SLop then lays out some flank steak and puts the stuffing mixture in a
line down the middle, using toothpicks to hold it together because if
it didn't it would "literally flatten and the stuffing will fall out
and not give the desired result I want for you". Really? SLop pops the
roll into the oven and never bothers to wash her hands. She pulls out
MV's meat roll and gets all excited about the juice. She carves it up
(without letting it even rest) and plates it with some white pasty
mashers, then shovels a huge forkful into her mouth.

We break to a commercial and oddly enough, see an ad for King Arthur
Flour featuring these kids finding something on the ground at the
playground and daring each other to poke it. It turns out to be a
twinkie, but it just struck me as funny.

We return from commercial for SLop's lemon chiffon salmonella pie. She
relates how her friend made up the term "whip 'n' chill" and then makes
some sugar lemon slices by painting raw unpasteurized egg whites onto
lemons and then sprinkling sugar onto them and placing the slices on top
of the pie. Man, between the meat and the raw egg, this truly is a
dinner of doom!

As we return from commercial break, SLop staggers into the kitchen and
nearly falls flat on her face, then claims she was getting ready for the
party. Yeah, right, I guess you were too busy "getting dressed" for a
Cocktail Time this week. She shows us how she makes gifts for her guests
by taking a box of chocolates and bundling them in tool or tissues with
ribbon. She walks into the room where her imaginary party is taking
place and asks "Does this look spectacular or not?", to which I must
truthfully say "Not". SLop has a white four-chair (if that many) table
upon which rests a vase with bright red ostrich feathers and goblets
containing beta fish and faux pearls floating on the surface of the
water. Ha! The fish on the leftmost goblet is dead, or at least it's
hoping no one will notice it if it stands still. SLop closes the show
with yet another "clever" variation on her "Keep it simple, keep it
semi-homemade".


--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating
the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not
sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of
Miss Lee.

Somebody needs to get a life.