Cheeseburgers: The secret to making truly outstanding hamburgers is to
use the frozen beef patties McDonald's produced about 25 years ago.
It is true. George worked at McDonalds in 1980. I could produce the
best Cheeseburgers I've ever had with their raw materials, which have
long been changed and corrupted, as has the process.

Barring Mac's patties, one really must find the finest ground beef
obtainable. It's like Vaginal orgasms--if your meat sucks, your wife
won't be having them--even if they exist only in theory. Grinding your
own is too analytical. One needs to un-wrap the newly purchased meat
like one opens a present.

Yes, the best meat. Then--forget the grill, the barbie, the lump and
the Kingsford and the Weber empire--you need a smoking hot cast iron
frying pan. Caress your meat gently. Do not "form a patty". Slice off
a suitable amount, throw it in your smoking pan, and roughly form it
with a fork. The compression involved during conventional patty
formation makes the resulting burger tough.
Season with Kosher or sea salt and a crack of pepper.

Sear briefly on both sides--enough time to yield a medium-rare burger.
I use a spatula and a jar of Coffee creamer for a burger press. Too
much burger press weight results in compression, best left to your
cylinders.

Forget onions, pickles and all the condiments generally thrown at
burgies in an attempt to ruin them. Cheese. Just cheese. I use
Cooper's White Mellow Sharp, though a slice of Velveeta may still be
th best. Yes--Velveeta, the best things in life are still abundantly
American, popular culture not withstanding. (Congratulations Dale Jr.)

Buns. Delicious buns. Buns to cradle your cheese laden medium rare
burger, your flaming cock if homosexual, to rub your breasts against
should you be a hetero-sexist female. The only conceivable option are
Martin's Potato rolls, heated 15 seconds in the mike prior to
cheese-laden patty installation. Allow your construction to rest for a
minute.

It is known that Rembrandt made his burgers in this way, and
that--incredibly--his technique is still superior to John Currin's.
George Vailey