arthur wouk wrote:
> found on rec.food.cooking, of all places.
>
> An oldie:
>
> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
> fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa
> to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice
> must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
> kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly
> empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
> sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They
> don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult
> bookstore downtown.
>
> If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
> confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What
> does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally,
> I made it to the inflatable doll section.
>
> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
> substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
> lane during rush hour.
>
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many
> different models. The top of the line, according to the side of
> the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal
> husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom
> of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of
> imagination.
>
> On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise
> came to life.
>
> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
> morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
> dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also
> ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a
> nearby tray I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to
> his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had
> left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then
> come back and bark some more.
>
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the
> rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
> traditional Christmas dinner.
>
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
> "What the hell is that?" she asked.
>
> My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>
> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
>
> I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
>
> "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>
> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her
> into the dining room
>
> But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
>
> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas
> and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
> "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled
> up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
>
> I told him she was Jay's friend.
>
> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
> Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then
> that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
> died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly
> Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the
> morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the
> room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
>
> The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
> Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
> administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back
> over his chair and wet his pants.
>
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in
> the car.
>
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination
> to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that
> Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right
> thigh.
>
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
> restored her to perfect health!

ROTFLMAO! Big time!


jim

priceless! thanks for that. ahhhhh, I 'bout fell off my chair with
that one.

Suzan

priceless! thanks for that. ahhhhh, I 'bout fell off my chair with
that one.

Suzan

In article >,
(arthur wouk) wrote:

> found on rec.food.cooking, of all places.
>
> An oldie:
>
> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
(snip)
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
> restored her to perfect health!

thanks for a good laugh, Arthur. Mailed to myself for further
distribution later this evening. Merry Christmas.
--
-Barb, <www.jamlady.eboard.com> Updated 11-29-04; Sam I Am!
birthday telling; Thanksgiving 2004; Fanfare, Maestro, please.
"Are we going to measure or are we going to cook?" -Food writer
Mimi Sheraton

In article >,
(arthur wouk) wrote:

> found on rec.food.cooking, of all places.
>
> An oldie:
>
> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
(snip)
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
> restored her to perfect health!

thanks for a good laugh, Arthur. Mailed to myself for further
distribution later this evening. Merry Christmas.
--
-Barb, <www.jamlady.eboard.com> Updated 11-29-04; Sam I Am!
birthday telling; Thanksgiving 2004; Fanfare, Maestro, please.
"Are we going to measure or are we going to cook?" -Food writer
Mimi Sheraton