SLop enters wearing a stereotypical tight red Chinese dress with chopsticks in
her hair carrying a red vase with some jasmine in it. Oh great, I can tell this
is going to be off to a great start. She tells us this is going to be a very
special day because her "friend", "You Sigh" is coming out with a new cosmetics
line, so she's going to have a girl's get-togther with terrific Chinese food.
Yeah, terrific is a very apt word for anything SLop cooks, but I wonder why
she's making such a fuss over her neighborhood Avon lady, and I wonder if she's
married to Long Duck Wong or Sum Yung Gui? She looks around and tells us "this
is what my house looks like right before a party" (too bad NO ONE EVER SHOWS UP
AT THEM), but it looks more like she just hosted a house full of drunken
debauchery and just rolled the last of her guests out the front door. SLop then
reminds us that the star is not just You Sigh, it's her menu. How magnanimous
of her. She gushes about her wonton soup, pork bowel buns (what?), "rich and
delicious" (when ISN'T it?) stir fried beef, and almond cookies. With a short
bow, she exits stage left off to the kitchen as the opening credits roll. My
gawd, I hope they don't see this show in China; this could mean war.

SLop enters the kitchen from stage left, which confuses the heck out of me for
a sec but then I realize she must have staggered around a bit before stumbling
across the kitchen and tells us this episode is all about GREAT Chinese cooking
(I doubt it). She puts some oil into a pan, which sizzles loudly. We're
starting with wonton soup first because it's her imaginary friend's favorite,
even more than sweet and sour, whatever that is. As she slices some chicken,
she repeats that she's excited about YS's new cosmetic line and how SLop made
herself all up for her and the other guests. Who the hell gets made up for an
Avon demonstration? I do wish SLop would watch what's she's doing as she speaks
so she doesn't lose a finger. She repeats about how she's going to make this
special, but for gawd's sake, it's only an Avon party. She puts the chicken
into a pot to cook which starts to sizzle very loudly. Trying to speak over the
sound of the cooking meat, she makes the filling for the wontons by taking some
pre-ground chicken (pork works too), adding a package of onion soup mix and two
huge tablespoons of sesame oil and oyster sauce, then starts trying to stir it
with the SAME SPOON and decides to get something more suitable -- a fork! Hmmm,
she has yet to wash her hands at this point. She adds some
strangely-brown-colored garlic from a jar to the filling and returns to a
silent pot of cooking chicken. She tells us she wants to finish the soup
because the girls are due to arrive any minute now (yeah, right) and adds four
cans of chicken stock she pilfered from Rachel Ray's pantry. Oddly enough,
however, two are red and two are black (I guess to match her red and black
oriental decor) and she only pours two of them into the pan and then the other
two mysteriously vanish from the counter. SLop confides that she likes to make
her soup at home because by the time she gets them home, the wontons are all
soggy! I don't sppse that's because that's how it's COOKED, is it? Moron. She
adds some low sodium soy sauce (how ironic) and a huge tablespoon of sesame
seed oil and that weird brown garlic. SLop tells us to get the wonton wrappers
in the refrigeration or Asian section at the grocery store and shows us a
little trick: use water to seal the edges of the wonton. She then folds the
edges over like a tortelini and puts it on a red plate. She announces that the
soup is boiling and tells us how complicated and intimidating Chinese food is
to make as she dumps them into the heavily boiling soup, where they almost
immediately disintegrate into little pieces. SLop then strains some pre-sliced
water chestnuts and "baboo shoots" into a strainer instead of decanting them
over the sink and adds them to the soup, followed by half a package of frozen
mixed vegetables. At this point, I have to add that she is using an already
half-used bag. Anyhow, she recommends mushrooms, carrots, and snap peas, but I
guess anything goes. Before we go to commercial, she tells us she's going to
make beef stir fry and pork "bowel buns" that are so simple you won't be afraid
of them. Believe me, that is NOT why I am afraid...

We return from commercial with SLop entering stage right holding a bamboo
steamer with a red pot holder. Dumb ass. She tells us that a bamboo steamer is
a kitchen essential for Chinese cooking and tells us she has a fantastic trick
for keeping food from sticking to it. Perhaps I am going out on a limb here,
but wouldn't a wok be essential for cooking Chinese food? Anyhow, she starts to
work on the bowel buns with a trick: use some BBQ pork from those strip mall
quickie fast food Chinese places! Oh gawd! She lifts up a bowl to the camera to
show us and the sound suddenly cuts out on her, followed by a quick jump to her
going to the fridge to get more as we fade to a glamour shot of the bowel
buns. I wonder what she was saying as she waved her hands around that bowl?
She starts the sauce by sauteing some scallions in oil. Whoah! She's stirring
the teflon pan with a WOODEN spoon! She adds a big heaping spoonful of that
nasty brown jar of garlic and white jar of ginger. If I didn't know better, I'd
say she got the two items mixed up. She adds some oyster sauce but all we see
is a glamour shot of a decorative jar of it, followed by what she described as
"Chinese BBQ sauce", or "Hoison". It also is available in the Asian section of
your grocery store, in case you wondered. She takes the take-out BBQ pork and
tries to chop it finer. This time she watches her fingers which are
precariously close the knife blade as she tells us how she met "You Sigh" at a
dinner party and they became fast friends because they both love Chinese food
and get together every Sunday night for Chinese food, which I find hard to
believe because I seem to recall her telling us she did something else on
Sunday nights but I don't particularly care enough to look. She dumps the BBQ
pork into the pan and stirs it until it becomes a reddish-brown tarry lump to
simmer some more. SLop then tells us about her trick for getting bowel buns out
of bread sticks which takes me somewhere very unpleasant. She tells us to
double up on the bread dough so you get double layers of bread stick dough,
whatever that means. She flattens it out and cuts it into strips, then rolls
one into a ball and uses Brycer's toy rolling pin to roll it out.
Unfortunately, she has trouble welding the toy rolling pin so she ends up
stretching it out by hand, at which point she decides the tar filling need to
be thickened with a mixture of corn starch and water. When she dumps it into
the pan, it just pools on top of the meat tar so she tries to mix it by
stirring it without much luck when we suddenly jump to a medium shot of her
with no signs of the slurry in the pan telling us it takes "literally" 15
seconds. I am pretty sure that's not enough to keep the mixture from tasting
like corn starch is in it. She then tells us to take a tablespoon but uses the
wooden stirring spoon instead, telling us to eyeball it, and puts it in the
center of the dough disk and pulls up edges like a hobo sack and twists it
closed. She puts it on a tray with some previously made ones and remarks that
they are starting to raise now. SLop finally reveals her steamer trick: line
the steamer with napa cabbage to keep it from sticking! That way, if you're
making dumplings or bowel buns they don't stick to the bowl. Hee! As she crams
them into the steamer, she tells us to keep them separate because they're going
to rise. To steam the bowl buns, SLop takes a wok with boiling water in it and
pops the steamer into the wok, then lids the steamer and tells us not to put
the lid onto the wok. Do woks even come with lids, not to mention glass ones?
She then tries her wonton soup. She takes the lid off the pot, revealing a
debris-filled heavily-boiling liquid, asking "doesn't this look like you're in
an authentic Chinese restaurant?" as she ladles the soup with beyond soggy
wonton pieces into a red Japanese soup bowl and proceeds to eat it with a
Japanese soup spoon. Before we head out to commercials, she threatens us with
beef stir fry, almond cookies, and a fantastic tablescape to party by. Yeehaw!

Hee! That's a funny ad for DQ shrimp!

We return form commercial to a glamor shot of beef stir fry and SLop telling us
that beef stir fry is easy to make at home and essential for an Asian meal,
adding you can make it faster and still have a restaurant effect. She tells us
to cut up some sirloin into bite size pieces but doesn't make them nearly small
enough. She puts some oil into a wok and puts the meat into pan to cook. While
it sizzles loudly, she cuts some red pepper by slicing the off the sides and
slicing them into thin strips. It is hard to hear her speak over the sizzling
sounds of the unattended meat in the wok. She eventually gets back to stirring
the meat, which is clearly burnt as she tells us how quickly it cooks up. She
strains some water chestnuts and adds a package of stir fry seasoning to water.
She removes the burnt meat from the pan and adds a big heaping tablespoon of
that brown garlic and ginger, and damn, those spoons are HUGE! She then adds
some unspecified frozen vegetables, water chestnuts, and sliced mushrooms.
After a couple stirs, she adds the peppers and onions, at which point the
sizzling abruptly stops. She puts the meat back and adds some oyster sauce and
red pepper flakes. She stirs in water and seasoning packet to the barely
steaming wok and puts a pan of lumpy Minute Rice onto a plate "for service"
with the stir fry on top. "And now for the bowel...", she ominously tones. She
tells us how the bun's not sticking at all, then pulls off a piece of cabbage
leaf. She rips one, revealing a pasty brown wad with an immobile brown lump in
the center and proceeds to shovel it into her mouth as we go to commercial.

We return from commercial break with a "Sandra's Tip" graphic where the
"Cocktail Time!" one should be. What gives?!?! She tries to blame "You Sigh"
(you remember her, the Avon lady who is now about twenty minutes late for her
party) for those famous almond cookies by adding almond extract and crushed
almonds to her ubiquitous roll of sugar cookie dough, topping each with an
almond. She shows us a small red plate of the cookies and then puts them into a
red oriental food take-out container and exits stage left to show us her
tablescape.

She enters stage left into what appears to be a bunch of models of red and
black hot air balloons, telling us that red and black are the most dramatic
colors to use when serving Chinese food from "take-out in or take-out MADE in"
with this "ain't I clever expression". Whatever. I can't help but notice her
table is littered with all sorts of half-full vodka and rum bottles with no
food in sight. She blathers about the paper Japanese lanterns she got for
dollars each that she spray-painted red and black, then tells us how excited
she was to find the balloons and produces some Japanese fans she's going to
give out as party favours. She then prattles on about how she covered a piece
of plywood with cloth for a dramatic layered effect before briefly shilling
some sort of "Oriental place setting kit" containing place mats, bowls, and red
chopsticks. She plugs the Food Network site and gives her closing line with a
drink in hand.

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget, standing in
your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We assume no
liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the "food" or
being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure where she grew up
either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.

You know, a thought struck me while reading your amusing post. You
couldn't possibly have something to do with a trip across country by a
couple of midwestern ladies and their funny little dog, could you???
(chuckle)

>I don't watch her show, but I'm glad you enjoyed it!

wrote:

>You know, a thought struck me while reading your amusing post. You
>couldn't possibly have something to do with a trip across country by a
>couple of midwestern ladies and their funny little dog, could you???
>(chuckle)

I guess I missed that reference.

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss
Lee.