Nancy Young wrote:
> "Andy" <q> wrote
>
>>"Nancy Young" > wrote
>
>>>Seems to me after all this time they'd have figured
>>>out a way to fork split them so that the halves are just
>>>a teensy bit more even, not like 70/30?
>
>>Write them. It's mad science. Has been for decades.
>>
>
> (laugh) But then what kind of nonsense could I amuse myself
> with? I need lopsided breakfast bread.

If you make your own, you could cut them vertically and just imagine how
much fun that would be. A column I wrote back in the last century about
them. And a variant that's utterly decadent. Enjoy.

Pastorio
-----------------------------
English muffins explained
I never had an English muffin in England. At least, not one I
recognized. I did have crumpets, though and they seemed like distant
cousins to what I had had in this country. I liked theirs better.
Think about this for a minute. What is bread like when it’s been in a
package for a week or more? Right. At least starting to get stale, what
with all the magical chemistry going on inside the plastic wrap. Same
for the muffins. They are not, how you say, at the peak of flavor and
texture.
English muffins are a kind of yeast bread and they should prove to be
fairly easy. There are two distinct techniques for shaping English
muffins. Take your choice. And we’ll look at a variation that produces
the most luxuriously sensuous texture you’ve ever seen in a baked product.
And we’ll see about crumpets. What are crumpets, anyway? We’ll see
that, too.
To bake them, you’ll need a griddle and I prefer cast iron. Even heat
is the most important question and however you get there is fine.
We’re going to make a sponge and let it rise until it collapses by
itself. Whoa, Bob. How about a little explanation of the technical
terms? Right. Mix everything together holding back part of the flour so
that the resulting batter is thickly liquid. That’s a sponge. While it
rises, big bubbles form and it looks like, all together now, a sponge.
You thought this was going to be hard.
Since it’s thinner than the usual bread dough, it will rise for a while
and then simply collapse under its own weight. Then we’ll put the rest
of the flour in. In answer to the question of that fellow over there, I
don’t know if it can be started in a bread machine.
ENGLISH MUFFINS
Makes about a dozen 4-inch or a dozen and a half 3-inch muffins
1/8 cup warm water to dissolve yeast (105 - 120 degrees)
1 packet dry yeast (or equivalent in other forms)
1 cup water, room temperature
1/2 cup scalded milk, cooled to about 120 degrees
1 tablespoon sugar
1 teaspoon salt
4 cups all-purpose flour
3 tablespoons butter at room temp
extra flour or cornmeal
extra butter
In a bowl large enough to handle the risen dough (maybe 4 quarts or so),
combine water and yeast, stir and let dissolve for a couple minutes. Add
water, milk, sugar and salt to yeast. Gradually add half of the flour
and mix well. Cover and put aside until the sponge has risen and
collapsed, at least an hour and up to two hours. Mix in the soft butter
then add the rest of the flour and mix in well. Here’s where the two
different methods of shaping the muffins comes in.
Shaping with rings: Muffin rings (or flan rings or tuna fish cans or
cat food cans or whatever) or any other kind of metal rings have been
traditional in shaping the muffins. They’re metal rings about two inches
tall and look like cans with both ends open. Grease the rings and put
them on prepared cookie sheets for the final rising. The cookie sheets
may be greased or floured or have a thin layer of corn meal on them to
keep the muffin dough from sticking. Put rounds of dough in them that
fit snugly against the sides from 1/2 to 3/4 inch deep. Let them rise
until they’re doubled.
Shaping without rings: On a floured board, shape the dough into a sheet
about 1/2 inch deep. Use a well-floured rolling pin and work gently. Cut
the dough into 3- or 4-inch circles and put on prepared cookie sheets to
rise until doubled.
To bake the muffins: When the muffins are fully risen, heat a buttered
griddle until hot but not smoking. Gently slide a spatula under the
muffins and put them on the griddle. Remove the rings. Turn muffins once
after the first side is a light-medium brown. That’s it.
*The impossibly smooth variant is, of course, based on fat. I sometimes
make English Muffins using cream instead of the water and milk called
for in the recipe. When you toast and eat them, they don’t need butter.*
Split the muffins for toasting with a scallop-bladed knife or use two
forks back to back. The former gives you nice even surfaces to butter
(or jelly). The latter gives you the famous "nooks and crannies" of
advertising fame a few years back. Your call.
Crumpets are like English muffins except they’re different. To the
above recipe, add another cup of milk at the beginning, maybe a cup and
1/8 to get a more liquid batter. You have to use the rings because the
dough will be more loose. Otherwise, it’s the same technique. The
texture of the crumpets will be denser and the crumb will be smaller and
more elegant. Marmalade seems to be made for crumpets.