http://jordanbaker.blogspot.com/2005...r_archive.html

In addition to being an excellent source of bad date stories, neologisms, and
quasi-profound postmodern rants, "Dealing in Subterfuges" is proud to be the
place to come in the DC blogoverse for pictures of creepy looking blonde
bimbos.

I've mentioned before how wigged out I am by the sheer number of hits I get
from people looking for sexy pictures of FOX Sports "personality" Jeanne
Zelasko. In fact, I am the number one result for a google search for "Jeanne
Zelasko boobs." My mother would be so proud. . .

While I find it creepy that people want to see pictures of Jeanne Zelasko's
boobs, I have nothing against Jeanne Zelasko herself. Well, nothing except
intense jealousy that she gets to interview all my favorite ball players, and
work closely with Joe Buck.

Damn you, Jeanne Zelasko. Someday I'll meet you, conk you on the head, and
steal your job. . .

There's a new entry in my sitemeter boobliography, though. People are now
coming here looking for pictures of Sandra Lee's boobs.

I hate Sandra Lee. I hate her with a passion that burns. Burns like the clap,
which I fervently hope she contracts someday.

I mentioned my hatred of Sandra Lee once before. It went something like this:

Why I hate Sandra Lee of Semi-Homemade Cooking. Easy. She has no eyebrows, no
personality, and her themes are ****ing stupid. Right now, for example, she's
just prepared a completely retarded Halloween party while wearing a witch's hat
with plastic streamers hanging off of it. If she actually cooked anything on
her show instead of just opening packages, it would qualify as a massive fire
hazzard. That's the episode I want to see.


So we're talking here about a woman I want to see burst into flames. That's
like one level of hatred above peeing on her shoes*.

While the reasons I listed previously are all true and all valid, my big beef
with Sandra Lee is the concept of her show/cookbook empire. Her "philosophy" is
that you can entertain using "70% store-bought/ready-made products accompanied
by 30% fresh and creative touches – which allows anyone to take 100% of the
credit for something that looks, feels and tastes homemade."

So basically, her show runs something like this:

"For your Italian theme party, open three cans of Chef Boyardee and throw some
pre-grated mozzarella cheese on top. For dessert, you can make these delicious
individual Italian ices by unwrapping different flavors of popsicles and
crushing them up in cocktail glasses. Then decorate using differently shaped
pasta, and throw green, red, and white confetti all over your table. Keep it
sweet, keep it simple, and always keep it Semi-Homemade."

Ugh.

My beef is not the same as fellow "Sandra Lee Boobs" resultee Hughes for
America voices: "The Lazy-Ass Gourmet" with Sandra Lee
Why not call her show, "Semi-Homemade Cooking," what it is? Lee takes good food
and combines it with store-bought crap and terrible themes, resulting in a
crappy show only worth watching to make fun of. So why not give her a show
where she'd cover such topics as: Plating a spicy chicken combo from Wendy's,
choosing the right dipping sauce for your Chicken McNuggets, mild, medium or
hot for your wings and what beer goes best with takeout from Long John
Silver's. Seriously, her show makes you want to dice your own hand with Rachel
Ray's Wusthof 7" Santoku knife with the hollow edge.

Having dressed up many a box of Rice-a-Roni myself in my day, I'm not about to
condemn Sandra for her laziness**. My real problem is her rationale for taking
these shortcuts. It's not like Rachael Ray or other "speedy gourmet" shows,
where the host(ess) acknowledges that we all lead busy ****ing lives, and it's
a rare occasion that we actually have 30 minutes to make dinner. It's not even
like my own life: "I have ninety million papers to grade, and I'm ravenous. I
will throw cheese singles, Tabasco sauce, frozen corn, and chicken into my
Spanish Rice-a-Roni mix, and call it Jordan's aroz de fiesta!"

The voice over at the beginning of Semi-Homemade informs us that she's been
entertaining for years "the traditional way my gramma taught me." Eventually,
she says, she developed these quick and easy shortcuts that she shared with her
girlfriends. Whatever. Fine. If I ever develop quick and easy shortcuts for
entertaining (other than "wow, it would be a lot quicker and easier to
entertain if I could scrub 13 years of etiquette classes from my head and just
relax and enjoy my guests") I'll be sure to share them with all of you. Girls
do that.

But Sandra's not just doing it to help out her girlfriends. I realized this
both during the Halloween show when she stopped midway through "making" her
smooshy marshmallow ghosts*** ("just smoosh marshmallows between your fingers
and draw eyes on them! Look! Now they're ghosts! Unsanitary? Why would that be
unsanitary?") to take a phone call from her husband

She said something like "husbands always come first, ladies."

And I thought "God damn you, Sandra Lee. I hate you so much." And the first
piece of the puzzle fell into place.

The rest became clear later in the week. She was "making" caramel popcorn by
popping popcorn in the microwave, and then pouring melted caramels over it. She
started yammering about how great it was to eat when you were curled up on the
couch with your hubby, and how having made it would make him think you were a
"good little homemaker."

Ahhhhhhh. . . .

Firstable, good little homemaker? Isn't it 2005?

And second, I think there's great value and dignity in being a homemaker. If
that's your choice, you rock. You're doing a job that I would never have the
patience and discipline to do without a fistful of Xanax and a tumbler full of
Knob Creek before breakfast. But if you're going to do it, don't you want to do
it well? To actually be good at maintaining your home and family rather than
just fooling your husband into thinking you are?

You'll notice that despite all of this, despite my ranting and complaining
about her lack of both eyebrows and personality, the lameness of her ideas, and
the absolute ridiculousness of the fact that she tries to pass off "add Hatch
chilis to a block of Velveeta cheez product and throw it in the microwave for
great nachos!" as a "philosophy," I've seen my fair share of Semi-Homemade
episodes.

It's gotten that bad. I hate her so much that I've started rushing home every
day to make sure I get to seethe at her prattling in the background while I
blog. I need my fix. I need to get in my thirty minutes of loathing.

It's probably the same reason some of you keep coming here day after day.

So I hate you, Sandra Lee. You and your pencilled in eyebrows and your fake
tits and your idiotic themes. I hope your stupid costumes and stupid
decorations catch on fire and consume you in a blaze of polyesther glory. If we
ever meet, I'll be compelled to kick you in the nads****.

But I have to admit it. You and I? Sisters under the skin, baby. Sisters under
the skin.

Now I'm off to cut a chalupa into individual triangles and call it an amuse
bouche.

*Please note: I am also result number one for "pee on Curtis Sittenfeld." That
I'm truly proud of.
**Although I should point out that I advocate this only as an occasional quick
fix, not as an "ingenious philosophy" to live your life by.
***Before the Sandra Lee fan club starts attacking me, I'm going to point out
that I know there weren't any smooshy marshmallow ghosts. It was a theoretical
example.
****Yes, fan club. I know she doesn't have nads. Grow a sense of humor, for
chrissakes.

--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.