Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better. For those of you who
have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. An
amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to
be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look
HOT......just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers makes a
strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really ****es me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need
to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing...it's just
too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

OmManiPadmeOmelet > wrote in news:Omelet-
:

> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
> pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
> the third judge is even better. For those of you who
> have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
> actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
> Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
> of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
>
> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
> Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
> judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
> in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
> standing there at the judge's table asking for
> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
> came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
> Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
> and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
> during the tasting, so I accepted".
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. An
> amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this
> stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
> driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
> hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
> jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
> to
> be taken seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
> I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
> I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
> the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> when they saw the look on my face.
>
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
> spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
> Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
> before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
> my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
> getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
> side dish for
> fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
> tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
> taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with
> fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look
> HOT......just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
>
> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
> freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
> impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
> tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers makes a
> strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
> my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
> farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
> The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
> her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
> tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
> from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
> off. It really ****es me off that the other judges
> asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
> Good balance of spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
> onions, and garlic. Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
> filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself
> when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
> chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need
> to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
> on canned peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
> threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
> should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He
> appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
> the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
> in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
> water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
> killed me. I've decided to stop breathing...it's just
> too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
> If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
> hole in my stomach.
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
> chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
> existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
> chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
> it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
> over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
> sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
> he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
>
> Judge # 3 - No Report



Free beer!!! Sucker!!!

Andy

In article >, Andy <q> wrote:

> > Judge # 3 - No Report
>
>
>
> Free beer!!! Sucker!!!
>
> Andy

Indeed... ;-)
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

OmManiPadmeOmelet wrote:

> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
> pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
> the third judge is even better. For those of you who

ROFLMAO & PMP! Too funny!

In article >,
~patches~ > wrote:

> OmManiPadmeOmelet wrote:
>
> > Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
> > pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
> > the third judge is even better. For those of you who
>
> ROFLMAO & PMP! Too funny!

I never really learned to appreciate chili peppers until we relocated to
Texas.... ;-)
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

I've experienced this.

Take scandinavians (or Minnesotans) to lunch in Phoenix and I'll be
reaching for the Tapatio (tabasco/frank's/cholula/blair's/gunslinger)
while they're breathing like they've run a mile and picking through the
tacos for bits that don't look too hot.

--Blair

In article . com>,
"Blair P. Houghton" > wrote:

> I've experienced this.
>
> Take scandinavians (or Minnesotans) to lunch in Phoenix and I'll be
> reaching for the Tapatio (tabasco/frank's/cholula/blair's/gunslinger)
> while they're breathing like they've run a mile and picking through the
> tacos for bits that don't look too hot.
>
> --Blair
>

I requeted some "real" hot sauce at a Mexican restaurant in Chicago when
I was there for a training seminar, and went to eat with a group of my
fellow "students". The wait staff was hispanic so I figured they'd have
something better than the weak catsupy glop they brought out to the
table.

They warned me it was hot so just brought me a small sample at first. I
tasted it, it tasted nicely of Habanero. :-d Hot but tasty so I got a
bowl. Everyone at the table tried it, I pretty much got the whole bowl
to myself.

They were all northerners. <g>

They were, however, pleased with the Margaritas. I was the first to
place a drink order so they decided to try them. None of them had ever
had a Margarita! Can you imagine? :-)

I was born in California, and M's were my mothers favorite drink...
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

In article >,
"Michael \"Dog3\" Lonergan" > wrote:

> > I never really learned to appreciate chili peppers until we relocated to
> > Texas.... ;-)
>
> They are wonderful creations. I grow them all year long. I'm going to do
> a potted garden with them this spring. I think they will do well there.
>
> Michael

They are also decorative. :-)
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

OmManiPadmeOmelet wrote:
> In article >,
> "Michael \"Dog3\" Lonergan" > wrote:
>
> > > I never really learned to appreciate chili peppers until we relocated to
> > > Texas.... ;-)
> >
> > They are wonderful creations. I grow them all year long. I'm going to do
> > a potted garden with them this spring. I think they will do well there.
> >
> > Michael
>
> They are also decorative. :-)

That reminds me. I have to buy a ristra for the grilf's parents.

--Blair

Michael "Dog3" Lonergan wrote:
>
> What is a ristra?

it's one of those strings of chilis that you can hang in your kitchen
or on your porch or wherever

they're functionally a way to hang chilis for drying, but most are sold
for purely decorative purposes

and i need to either get one or make one

--Blair

On Thu 23 Mar 2006 12:31:01a, Thus Spake Zarathustra, or was it Blair P.
Houghton?

>
> Michael "Dog3" Lonergan wrote:
>>
>> What is a ristra?
>
> it's one of those strings of chilis that you can hang in your kitchen
> or on your porch or wherever
>
> they're functionally a way to hang chilis for drying, but most are sold
> for purely decorative purposes
>
> and i need to either get one or make one

Have you made one before, Blair? If not, here's an easy way...

http://www.geocities.com/ethertop/ristrapage.html


--
Wayne Boatwright o¿o
____________________

BIOYA

On Thu 23 Mar 2006 12:31:01a, Thus Spake Zarathustra, or was it Blair P.
Houghton?

>
> Michael "Dog3" Lonergan wrote:
>>
>> What is a ristra?
>
> it's one of those strings of chilis that you can hang in your kitchen
> or on your porch or wherever
>
> they're functionally a way to hang chilis for drying, but most are sold
> for purely decorative purposes
>
> and i need to either get one or make one

Oh, BTW, if you buy one make sure it's untreated. Many are treated to
preserve them for decorative use.

--
Wayne Boatwright o¿o
____________________

BIOYA

Wayne Boatwright wrote:
> Have you made one before, Blair? If not, here's an easy way...
>
> http://www.geocities.com/ethertop/ristrapage.html

I've seen those exact directions before, but with pictures. That
site's plagiarizing.

--Blair

On Thu 23 Mar 2006 12:40:23p, Thus Spake Zarathustra, or was it Blair P.
Houghton?

>
> Wayne Boatwright wrote:
>> Have you made one before, Blair? If not, here's an easy way...
>>
>> http://www.geocities.com/ethertop/ristrapage.html
>
> I've seen those exact directions before, but with pictures. That
> site's plagiarizing.

Could be, I dunno, but it's not rocket science.

--
Wayne Boatwright o¿o
____________________

BIOYA