Subject: Sith Apprenticeship

Life Lessons at the Sith Academy.
By anon.

"Now that tax season is over, my apprentice, I have a new charge
for you."

"Anything, my Master."

"Some day, if all goes well, you will rise up and slay me. At that
point, you'll need to train a new apprentice."

"That day is far in the future, my Master."

"Still, the time has come for you learn to train an apprentice."

"An apprentice, my Master? But I thought there could be only two
Sith at any time."

"Yes, and that is how it must be. Therefore, you must get a pet
and train it in the Dark Side of the Force."

"A pet?"

"Yes, a pet."

"What kind of pet?"

"I leave that to you."
***
Maul stalked into the pet store and eyeballed the selection. "What
have you got with spikes?" he asked the clerk.

"How about a spiny hedgehog?"

"That will do."

Obi-Wan walked up to the counter after Maul finished paying for his
hedgehog and asked, "How much for a hamster?"
***
Maul entered his apartment and let the hedgehog out of its
cardboard box.
"Now, my apprentice, your training will begin."
The hedgehog curled up into a ball and shivered.
"This is not going to work."
***
"This hedgehog is defective," Maul sneered as he dumped the
cardboard box on the counter.

"What do you mean?"

"It has no aggressive tendencies."

"How about a porcupine? They're aggressive."

"That will do."

"Let me get you one."

Maul waited at the counter, drumming his gloved fingers on the formica
surface. Obi-Wan got in line behind him. With a smile, he
declared, "I'm here to get a boy hamster so I can breed him with
Fluffy!" Maul
scowled and drummed his fingers louder.
***
"All right, my new apprentice, this is my apartment. You are not
allowed on the couch."
The porcupine waddled across the floor and took a whiz on the leg
of the coffee table.

Maul growled and thwacked the spiny mammal on the head with a
rolled-up newspaper. The porcupine puffed up aggressively, spines
sticking
out in all directions.

"Ah, good my young apprentice. Use your hatred and strike out at me."

The porcupine didn't move.

"Strike out at me."

The porcupine continued to not move.

"Feel your hate! Strike out at me in anger! Use the power of the Dark
Side and strike me down!" Maul frothed maniacally.

The porcupine curled up in a ball and started to shiver.

With a sigh, Maul realized that this might take a while.
***
"The porcupine didn't work," Maul growled as he strode back into the pet
store.

"Work for what?"

"I was trying to turn it to the Dark Side. I tried for a month, to no
avail."

"Oh, porcupines aren't very good at that. How about a snake?"

"Do you have any with horns?"

"Let me take a look. Oh, hey Obi-Wan."

"Hi! Hey, I have a bunch of baby hamsters that I can't keep," he said,
putting a shoe box filled with tiny squirming naked rodents on the
counter. "Can you find a good home for them?"

Maul grinned and took the box. "I'll take care of them for you."

"Gee, that's swell!"
***
Maul let his horned rattlesnake out of its box and watched with glee as
it slithered across the floor of his apartment. After a few minutes, he
let a few of the baby hamsters out of the box and laughed evilly as the
snake swallowed them up. "Very good, my apprentice. Very good.

Savor this nasty Jedi spawn. Taste the fear of your enemy. Enjoy their
high-pitched squeals of terror." Maul stuck the rest of the babies in a
Ziploc bag and stuffed them in the freezer for later. "Now your
training shall begin.

Strike out at me!"

The snake settled down under the couch with a visible lump at its
midsection.

"Oh, come on! You're a snake! Strike out at me!"

The snake lay motionless and began the slow process of digesting the
baby hamsters.

"Oh brother..."
***
"You're back?"
"Yes. The snake didn't work out. It goes into torpor every time it eats
anything."

"Well, yeah. Snakes are only good for the Dark Side when they're hungry."

"A good Sith is always hungry."
"Do you have any other creature that might suit my needs?"

"Just one... but I don't think you're up for it."

"I am a Sith. I am up for anything."

"You asked for it."
***
Maul sat on the sofa, deep in a stare down with his new pet. His new pet
was winning. Maul deepened his stare, determined to win this battle.

The small striped kitty was having none of it. She stared back, giving
as good as she got and then some.

Maul growled.

The kitty hissed.

Much to his surprise, Maul blinked.

Victorious, the kitty started licking her butt.
***
"You will learn to obey me," Maul growled as he pulled out the
super soaker and aimed it at the cat. "Now get down from the curtains."

He punctuated his command with a torrent of water.
The cat yowled, leapt off the curtains, and wedged herself under
the sofa.

"Much better, my apprentice."

The cat dashed into his laundry basket and hurked up a hairball.

"Dammit! I just washed those robes!"
***
"You will obey me," Maul said, waving his hand in front of the
kitty's face.

The kitty lifted her paw and meowed.

Maul obediently went into the kitchen and opened a can of cat food.
***
"So, my apprentice, how are things with your pet?" Sidious asked
over the video phone.

"I am encountering difficulties, my Master," Maul replied, dangling a
bit of string at his side for the kitty to play with. He was covered
from nearly head to toe in white cat fur.

"What are you doing?"

Maul quickly put the string behind his back. "Nothing."

"Hmm. Your tattoo. It's changed."

"Actually, the cat scratched me."

"Scratched a Sith?"

"She didn't want her belly rubbed."

"Ah. I understand. Maul, perhaps you're not ready for a cat. They're
very difficult to train."

"I have learned that well, my Master. She is a most cantankerous
creature. So far, she has destroyed my stereo speakers, eaten my plants,
and ****ed on my lightsaber. I had to go to Radio Shack this afternoon
to buy new parts to fix it. However, it is very easy to clean a litter
box using the Force."

"What's that skittering sound?"

"She's batting my lightsaber across the floor again. No! Keep it
away from that heating vent! Argh!"

"I'd better let you go."
***
"All right, my unruly apprentice, I have one last task for you," Maul
said as he peered deeply into the kitty's eyes. "You'll like this one."

The kitty licked his nose, forcing Maul to stifle an un-Sithly giggle.
***
"What's that scratching on my door?"
Obi-Wan opened the door to his quarters and a small striped cat strode
in as if she owned the place. She froze, noticing movement in the
corner, and with a butt-wiggle, she sprang for it.

"Fluffy! Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

THE END
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

OmManiPadmeOmelet wrote:

> Subject: Sith Apprenticeship
>
> Life Lessons at the Sith Academy.
> By anon.
>

Sith? I thought it was "Revenge of the Shit." That's why I didn't go see
it...

Pastorio

In article >,
"Bob (this one)" > wrote:

> OmManiPadmeOmelet wrote:
>
> > Subject: Sith Apprenticeship
> >
> > Life Lessons at the Sith Academy.
> > By anon.
> >
>
> Sith? I thought it was "Revenge of the Shit." That's why I didn't go see
> it...
>
> Pastorio

You missed some seriously good choreography...... :-)
--
Peace, Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson